Saturday, September 4, 2010


It's been a while since I posted last. I've been really busy. Sometimes. The other times my keister has been parked in front of the TV, losing myself in an alternate reality. There was a whole week where I never cracked my Bible or journal. For me, turning on the television and losing myself in the shows is a way of checking out and avoiding reality. It's a way of avoiding truth I don't want to face. When I wasn't in front of the TV, I had a book in my hands. Not the Bible, not the book we're covering in Bible study, nothing God centered.

God is so amazing. no matter how I treat Him, He is always there, always loving me unconditionally. He was trying to pull me towards Him, and I was resisting. So He disciplined me. He still is. Quite frankly I'm struggling with the form this on-going discipline is taking. I didn't mind so much when I pulled out my back. I did it because I was ignoring my father's request to stop everything and sit and talk to Him. Instead I was stubbornly trying to accomplish something I wanted DONE. Lesson learned. Sort of. I've still been putting reading the Word on the back burner. I can't fall asleep at night, which means I can't wake up in the morning. I barely make it out the door and to work on time, let alone stop in the morning and spend time with the One who has the power to get me through these difficult days. Evenings have been difficult times to concentrate. The other form of discipline will remain between me and God. Let's just say it's been painful and very ugly. I am being forced to face faults I've completely ignored in the past.

This is by no means a "woe is me" rant. Turn off the sympathetic, problem-solving part of your brain here. Ready? OK. For the first time in YEARS I am feeling aimless. For the first time in years, I have to imagine a future that looks different from what I had planned. When I started this job 6.5 years ago, I thought I was going to have a wonderful technology career. That I would do all sorts of interesting things. Then my goals changed as I recognized what I didn't want to do, and I imagined a different future. I am fairly articulate, and I have a knack for breaking down what is difficult and explaining it so others can understand clearly. Therefore, I began gravitating towards a career in technical writing.

After hitting a wall over and over at my company, I decided to finish my Bachelor's degree. I was tired of hearing the excuse that I didn't have a degree, so I couldn't have such and such a writing job. In my opinion, I was good enough, and I should have been given the opportunity. Ironically, even though I have never held the official title of "writer", it became a huge part of my job two years ago. When I look back at what I used to write, I see huge improvement over the last 3 years. School has matured me in a way I did not know I needed until after it happened.

I am nine classes away from graduating now. I am also in a not-so-unique position of having my job being off-shored. So now there is this huge blank canvas. I can do anything. What is God calling me to? Where does He want me to be? I definitely want His will for my life. So far, the options are:
  1. Find another position within my current company.
  2. Find a position with a new company.
  3. Go back to school full time in January. I could be done in June. I am tossing around the option of joining a program like Teach for America and teaching high school English.
  4. My other option for teaching is to get a TESL certification and take six - 12 month contracts teaching English as a second language in foreign countries all over the world.
I really like the idea of teaching. It feels more like a vocation -- a calling -- rather than a "career". I also like the idea of immersing myself in other cultures for extended periods of time. Right now, I am allowing myself to "dream big" and imagine a new "normal". It feels right, and I trust my heavenly Daddy to close the doors that should be closed, and open the doors that should be opened. He knows me inside out, upside down, backwards and forwards -- and He has my best interest at heart. So, for now, I am going to listen carefully. I am drawing ever closer to the One who gives me balance, purpose, and reason. When I know what the answer is, you will too.


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