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So people keep telling me how much they enjoy reading my South Africa blogs and noticed I haven't posted anything lately. The truth is, the longer I am back from Africa, the harder it is to write about it. The emotions swirling through me have somewhat settled and I am focused on wrapping up my current job before moving onto bigger and better things. Wrapping up the job has been stressful. It is among the top five most stressful situations a human can go through, along with death of a loved one, divorce, buying a house, and moving. I didn't want this blog to become G's random thoughts on depression, so I refrained from writing anything.

This morning I woke up with something on my mind. One of the reasons it has become difficult to write about Africa is because the stories I want to tell the most feel so personal. How do you write about a teenage boy who speaks English so clearly, is a top academic achiever in his school, but is struggling with the dreaded virus? He misses a lot of school because of hospital stays. Truth be told, if it were up to me, I go pick him up and fly him here to the U.S. to one of the top hospitals. "Surely," I think to myself, "we have the world's best medicine here." And then a stab goes through me, because I realize that as much as I love Africa, I don't trust that they have decent hospitals with enough trained physicians. Then I feel bad because I don't want my friends in SA to think I am criticizing their beloved home. So I take the only action I can take when I hear my little teenage friend is back in hospital: I fall on my face and cry out to God for mercy. I continue crying out until I know he is through the worst and is back home again. How do I express the light that seems to surround him? The lessons he taught me in just a few short days? This child has nothing but forgiveness for an alcoholic father who was drinking away his stipend. He has no proper birth record, so he chooses his age and his birthday. He does this with joy -- not bitterness or anger. God has huge purposes for this child, and I have to trust that God can keep him alive to fulfill those purposes.

Then there is "Band-aid". This slight little girl is about eight years old. We were playing games with her and the other children when Jeanette (our nurse) noticed she was hurt. Jeanette pulled a splinter out of the little girl's hand, put antibiotic on it, and wrapped a band-aid around it. Band-aid was soooo grateful! She threw her arms around Jeanette's neck and kept saying "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!" She was full of bubbly joy. Effervescent. When we saw her a few days later, we barely recognized her. She had strapped her baby sister to her back and carried her to the drop in center. She fed the child off her own plate, unselfishly giving up her own meal. The responsibility of caring for her helpless one and a half year old sister weighed on her heavily, and the bubbly child we had met a few days before was buried.

There are hundreds of these stories -- sad stories that turn to stories of hope brought to a hopeless generation, and stories of success. There is the very enterprising young man who took what Swa Vana taught him and started a home decorating business in the bush. Yes, folks, he uses his sewing machine to make curtains and sells them. His sewing machine was broken beyond repair when we were there, but he was pressing forward with the business.

Across the street from one of the drop-in centers was a man who played very very LOUD music. He harbored bitterness and resentment, and would crank up the volume whenever the children were gathered in the center. Instead of going over and asking him to lower the music, he was invited over for a meal. He was very sick, very fragile, and had to be carried. While in the center, he heard the Gospel message and accepted Christ as his personal Savior. He then began blasting Christian music. Two weeks after his conversion, he died; however, we know he is in a better place, and he died in peace and joy instead of bitterness and anger.

Back in the States, it is easy to tune out what one does not want to face. It is easy to get caught up in the minutia of daily life and forget the suffering one has witnessed. God has a way, however, of bringing these forcefully to the front of one's mind again. Last week I logged onto www.philly.com and read an article about a section of Philadelphia where people are far below the poverty line with no jobs, no job prospects and no way of putting food on the table for their children. They are mostly ignorant of the types of assistance available to them from the government. Largely African-American, they do not trust white people. It sounds sort of familiar. If I really want to be like Mama Charmaine when I grow up, I will find a way of helping them. Now I am praying for vision and purpose for my future. As much as I want to go back to Africa, doesn't charity begin at home?

Huntington Hospice Care

I'm standing at my sink getting ready to do dishes. I turn on the hot water tap and within 30 seconds the hot water is scalding my hands. I jump, yell, and turn on the cold water full blast. I get the temperature regulated and tackle the dishes. I am not happy. I have hot running water. Too hot. And I'm complaining about it. Dang. I need to go back to Africa. I need to remember what it was like to do dishes in unheated water. But when I was there, I wasn't doing dishes alone. I wasn't eating alone. It was a community effort. I miss the community.

"It doesn't pay," says Gladys, "but it's important work...It's my people…It's my community!" We are walking dirt roads visiting bed-ridden patients in Huntington. Hospice work is one of the services coordinated by Swa Vana. Sixteen hospice workers spread out over the village every day to take care of people too sick or weak to care for themselves.

We enter the first house. Its small and the thin mattress in the middle of the floor dominates the room. Gladys moves around opening the two windows, sweeping the floor, and piling up the scant laundry. The patient sits up. She is one of the lucky ones I'm told. She can scoot around on her hands, so she can move herself out to the doorstep for fresh air. I look around at the bare cinderblock walls, the small wooden bench along the back wall with a few belongings stacked on it.

Gladys talks to her patient, learning that she did eat that morning. She is gentle and kind, tying a fresh hankerchief around her head. It’s a chilly day, grey and overcast. None of the patients we visit want baths that day. It's too cold. We visited three patients total. Watching the hospice workers in action was amazing. Their empathy for their patients is real. Their commitment to their community is evident. They do not earn money doing this work. Swa Vana does not have funding in place to pay them. They are paid in food parcels.

Swa Vana was asked by the village elders to take on this project over a year ago. They have had some donations, but not nearly enough to meet the needs in the village. When we were there in September, they only had enough knappies (adult diapers) to last the month. We took some supplies over, and it was nice to know that instead of two thermometers for 16 workers, they now have one apiece. It's not nearly enough. Not that any of these people complain. They are so very grateful for everything that they do have. It is me, the missionary, looking at the situation with fresh, wide-eyed culture shock, who wants to wave the magic money wand and make it all better. It's a sobering reality: I can't just fix it. I can help alleviate the need by collecting and delivering supplies. I can care enough to pray. I show that I care by going back whenever I can, and doing whatever I can to help.

Huntington is where Swa Vana started six years ago, after bringing in supplies and establishing relationships in the village. As a result, the tribal leaders offered Swa Vana the Huntington village community center to establish a place where children in dire circumstances could be fed. The bats in the roof were evicted, the buildings were cleaned up and kitted out with kitchen supplies. There are hundreds of stories of ways that Swa Vana has effected change in this area -- stories of initial resistance, which turned into cooperation. Stories of salvation that occurred simply because Jesus showed up in the form of a white woman and her family and fed the hungry -- with no expectations of anything in return. Five years later, the tribal leaders again ask Charmaine to take on a project: Hospice care. Again, Swa Vana steps up, doing what they can do with limited resources.

A new Swa Vana bulding is going up in Huntington. The land was donated, the bricks are made, and the bulding can move forward as soon as the municipality provides the grader needed to level the ground. We walk over to the property and Charmaine describes what it will look like. She points out where the kitchen will be, how the building will be set up. She wants to build hospice rooms for the terminally ill patients, and establish a computer training center for the villagers. This is an ambitious vision. The effort truly does take a community. I see this project growing as more and more of the community gets on board. I see change coming, slowly but surely. Children who have grown up being fed by Swa Vana are graduating school and either obtaining work or establishing their own enterprises. I see a people working together to overcome some pretty overwhelming odds. I want to be a part of it. How 'bout you?

Gladys and I. She has healing hands.

Wacky Wednesday -- Placeholder

Its been a couple of weeks since I've written. It's been a busy time, and I apologize to my avid followers who are addicted to my posts. Stop pressuring me, people!! Sorry. Here's a brief recap of stuff that has happened in the last two weeks, and a promise of a post (or two) to come...

1. My Bible as Literature class is over. I passed with a B. I'm happy. I hated that class. After I graduate the B won't matter, and I'm still eligible for reimbursement. Yay me!
2. During the last two days in April I realized with a jolt that I had procrastinated getting the remaining stuff out of my storage unit and I needed to do so asap to avoid paying any rent in May. This led to a conversation with my roommate in which she told me that her situation had changed and we needed to part ways. We are both sad/happy about it. I need to move by the end of June.
3. The day of my Lit final, I stopped to look at an apartment on my way home. I wasn't expecting much. The rent is really really cheap with a lot of stuff included that isn't normally included. I wound up on the wrong block instead, and found the perfect apartment there. It was a total God thing. I went home convinced. I'm moving back to South Tampa. The place where I belong. :)
   
4. My application for the new apartment cleared in record time. I just need to drop off a deposit and sign the lease on Friday. I'm moving June 19th.
   
5. Friday night my "posse" and I traveled around Tampa watching a couple of different bands in a couple of different locations play a couple of different styles of music. We had an impromptu sleepover at Barb's. She's so awesome. She just went with the flow.
6. Saturday AM was the 2nd South African Missions Garage sale. I have no idea how we did, but we sold lots of stuff. What was left got loaded into trucks and taken to Goodwill.
7. Saturday afternoon I took the posse to see my new apartment. They were giving me grief about making such a rapid decision. As soon as they saw it, they knew I was right. God led me to that place. No question.
8. Saturday night was church followed by a birthday celebration unlike any I have ever experienced. Once I get the rest of the pics, I will write a separate blog on that and post pics. Let's just say it's official: I'm PRINCESS G, tyvm. Pay homage y'all. You're in the presence of greatness. YOUR WELCOME! ;)
9. Sunday was supposed to be a total surprise. Due to SOME people (who will remain unmentioned until NEXT post) I knew ahead of time that the posse was taking me canoeing. Let's just say that I couldn't lift my arms for two days. So blame them for the late post. Works for me. (hehe)
10. Monday and Tuesdays became recovery and prayer days as I had a couple of friends who desperately needed prayer. Both had parents in critical condition in the hospital. I believe Crystal's mom is much better, but David's dad is still recovering from surgery.
11. Monday I'm back in class again for the summer. Time sure does fly.
12. I feel ubercool right now 'cause I'm in Starbucks writing this post while tethered to my blackberry, using it as a modem. You had no idea I was so talented did you? You should have more faith, people. Just sayin...
    

next blog: the big birthday bash.
Coming soon: Why I gave up alcohol.

((((HUGS))))
"Princess" G

disclaimer: parts of this post are extremely tongue in cheek. I'll let you figure out which ones.

Positive Post Tuesday

God is working. He is doing amazing wonderful things in my life. Here's a few:

1. South Africa deposit is due Friday night. I haven't received a dime, yet, but I have total peace that it is taken care of. I don't know why, but I do.

2. God has put two awesome women in my life who are also dealing with being single. They encourage me, lift me up, and (most importantly) share my wacky sense of humor. I love you, Babs and Marie. You make me see the hilarity in the most nonsensical situations, and you challenge me to be all that God has called me to be.

3. Spiritually, the things I have learned in the past are being reinforced, and I am learning new, even deeper truths daily. I am growing more and more sure of who I am in Christ, and the purpose He has for my life.

God is good all the time; all the time, God is good.

Worthiness: Truth and Lies Part II

This blog started out as an update to Truth and Lies; however, I felt God speaking some serious truths worthy of a new post.

The spark that made me realize that I was buying into the lies was the statement "I'm not WORTHY of that, yet." The moment I spoke those words out loud (in my car) a light bulb went off. Worthiness is a condition humans will always aspire to, and never achieve.

We are called, as disciples of Christ to be like Him. The goals that I mentioned in Truth and Lies are all worthy goals. They are goals that get me out of bed early in the morning to seek God, read His word, and pray. They are goals that propel me out the door into life outside my bedroom. But they are goals. They are not conditions that make me in any way "worthy". There is nothing I can DO to make me worthy of His love, His grace, and His mercy. There is no worthy outside of Christ. Jesus was my perfect sacrifice because I could never be worthy enough for His blessings, especially when I try to act in my own power. Only my faith in Christ and my acknowledgment that He is Lord makes me worthy.

As a disciple, I am called to obedience. I am held accountable for the light God gives me. I fall short every time my will is not aligned with that of my Master. I can always tell when my will is trying to take over God's. I start rationalizing why I am behaving this way, or thinking that way. My inner self becomes completely conflicted and I start an internal dialogue that begins with "BUT"... But what? But I WANT it!! Yes, and just like every good parent, God knows not just what I WANT, but what is GOOD for me. He will withhold NO GOOD thing from me. It is time to be STILL, to know He is God. To know HE knows best, and allow Him to speak truth and love into my life. This is why staying in the Word is so important. Staying in the Word allows me to recognize the lies of Satan, battle these lies, and submit completely to the Spirit much more quickly.

If you are fighting these battles I have a few suggestions:
1. Read the Word daily.
2. Journal. Even if you just write down the scripture you read today. Writing helps clarify thoughts, and retain information. It takes discipline to do it every day, but it is worth the sacrifice of time.
3. Get an accountability partner. Someone you can trust to speak truth into your life when you are struggling with the lies. Someone who will pray with you, over you, and challenge the thought process that causes you to buy into the lies.
4. If you are NOT part of a body of Christ, find one. Now. The Bible tells us that Satan comes as a roaring lion, seeking to devour. You all know that lions prey on the weak. The weak are always easily spotted because they are alone. When the weak become part of a herd, the herd will move to protect the weak by surrounding it. The church is your herd. When you are in the body of Christ, the body surrounds you and helps protect you from the attacks the lion will attempt to make.

Things of this world will never fulfill us. Only in Christ are we satisfied. I take this truth for myself: In Christ, I am complete. He is enough.

Jesus loves you. He is passionate about you. He will never leave you, or forsake you. In Him, you are beautiful, you are passionately loved, you are worthy.

Truth and Lies

I've been thinking a lot lately about what women say to themselves. My friends are taking a study at church called Me, Myself and Lies. It is about the lies that women tell themselves all the time. Recently I met a guy I thought was really interesting. For whatever reason that exists between him and God, he is not pursuing a relationship with me. In the aftermath of his obvious (initial) interest followed by his sudden departure, I began turning things over in my head, analyzing the situation to death, and blaming myself for what never happened. I was driving home from work one day last week and it hit me: I have been telling myself some lies that appeared to be truth. Satan is sneaky that way.

Lie #1: I have to reach my physical fitness goals before I can meet that person. When I'm satisfied with my body image, I will portray the type of confidence I need to attract the right person to me.
Truth: Get over it. I am beautiful just as I am. I was beautiful before I lost 80 lbs too. I am a Princess, a daughter of the Most High Living God. My Father tells me I'm beautiful every day.

Lie #2: I have to reach my financial fitness goals before I can get into a serious relationship. I am carrying a load of debt racked up while I was married. I am shedding it slowly but surely. I will be free eventually, once I learn to stop trusting in my own wisdom, and rely completely on God. Truth: No man in his right mind is going to condemn me for debt. If he is Godly, he will give me good advice.

Lie #3: I have to be pure enough. Let's be frank here. There is a lot of junk that floods over the radio, tv and internet every day. It is the responsibility of every Christian to take every thought captive. It is only through the same self discipline exercised over money and food that anyone can succeed in being pure. I have taken a vow of abstinence until I am married again. It is because I respect God, myself, and my future mate too much to give something that precious away lightly. I can satisfy my flesh very quickly -- if and when I choose -- but God has a better plan.
Truth: My past is past. I am worthy of the wait, and so is he. There will be men that I am attracted to, but if I take every thought captive, and do not act on the attraction, then I am fulfilling my vow of purity. Taking every thought captive means putting on the full armor of God (Ephesians 6) and washing in the Word every day (Ephesians 5:25).

Lie #4: I have to finish school first. I really do want to obtain my Bachelor's degree. Somehow I had become convinced that I could not do that if I was in a serious relationship.
Truth: I will finish school. It's just a matter of time.

God's timing is always perfect. His ways are higher than my ways, and His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. He will send me the right man at the right time, but it will not be my time, it will be His. I trust Him. He is my Daddy, and He really does know best. No more lies: only His sweet, sweet truth.

What lies are YOU telling yourself?

Proverbs 31: A tribute to my Mom...

Upon hearing that my mother had nine children, cooked, cleaned, and sewed, a gentleman looked at me and said "Your mother must have been a Proverbs 31 woman." The words gave me pause. I never really saw my mother through a stranger's eyes before.

"Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value"
My dad depends on my mother's judgment, and she was (and still is) very good at managing the household finances, stretching a tight budget, clipping coupons and scouring the store fliers for the best grocery bargains. I don't ever recall being hungry or lacking for food that I enjoyed. We always had a present at Christmas and on our birthdays, and our sweets tended to be of the homemade variety.

"She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks."
Many, many mornings I remember laying in bed while my mother called for me to get up at the ungodly hour of 8a.m. It really wasn't fair that she expected me to get up and help her. It wasn't as if she had been already up for 2.5 hours cleaning or anything like that...

"In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers"
Mom sews. She loves it. She taught me how to take body measurements, how to lay out patterns, how to pin the edges so the sewing machine wouldn't hit the pinhead when running the seam...She has tremendous patience with these things. She has made approximately 6 wedding gowns and altered countless others. My sisters and I each had a new fancy dress at Easter, graduation ceremonies, and Christmas. If we ever went to her and said that we liked a certain dress or skirt, she was sure to hunt up the pattern, help us pick material and sew it up for us. She saved us lots of money and provided us with great quality clothing.

"She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy."
By any standards, I suppose our family would have been considered poor. I never noticed. What I knew is that just as people blessed us with huge bags of clothing their children had outgrown, my family blessed others. We didn't have much, but what we had we gave with generous hearts. My mother never hesitated to take meals to the sick and housebound, and pitched in to nurse the bedridden when necessary.

"Her husband is respected at the city gate."
My dad is (and has been) respected in their church and my mother has much to do with that.

"Her children arise and call her blessed, her husband also, and he praises her..."
I know I can safely speak for my siblings when I say that while my mom is not without faults, she has been generous with her time and attention towards us, and towards her grandchildren. She continues to minister to us and to her grandchildren through sewing and helping us out whenever she can. She does not understand the concept of retirement or slowing down. She is a listening ear when I need it, and the source of abundant wisdom, and deep love towards me. I have a tremendous respect for her. Yes, my friend, my mother IS a Proverbs 31 woman.

Love you Mom! Happy Mother's Day two months early.

Loneliness

I can be in the middle of a noisy, busy household and feel completely, utterly lonely. Wave after wave will wash over me as I listen to others make plans that do not include me. I miss my family. I miss the companionship of marriage -- the obligation to cooperate.

For a whole year, I dealt with loneliness while living alone. It was easy. I expected it. Welcomed it even. I wanted to be alone. I felt that being alone was better than being with the wrong person. This is not to say that I turned into a hermit. Far from it. However, I called the shots. I decided when I wanted or did not want to be with other people. During those times, when I would feel the wave, it was easy to turn on music, curl up into a ball and cry out to God for deliverance. This is different. While living alone, I learned how to be alone, and NOT be lonely. I still don't know how to be in a crowd and not be lonely.

The simple act of being invited to share breakfast with my roommate and her children brought the issue forcefully to the front of my mind today. While eating, I realized that their family history, private jokes, shared secrets knit them together in a unity that I have yet to find. That's when the wave hit. No longer am I satisfied with the plans I have for the day: study. I want to go bowling, go to the movies, let loose and have fun with family. Not just any family: MY family, MY husband, MY kids.

Intellectually this is reasoned out fairly quickly:

1. I have an obligation to study, because I have a test next week.
2. I have lots of friends to call on if I wanted someone to hang out with me.
3. I am a woman of faith, and I believe that God's timing is best. I believe He is using this time to prepare my heart - and the heart of the one He is sending to me - for each other. I will have these things when He is ready for me to have them.
4. I can be surrounded by husband, children and extended family and still feel lonely.

Lots of people will tell you that this is all the "pain" of being single. I don't think being single is painful at all. It is really one of the happiest times of my life. I am learning to lean on God for everything, to know His heart towards me and others, and to love unconditionally. Not with expectation or desperation, but with joy and abandonment.

The only way to combat loneliness is with truth. The truth is, those moments will come, and then they will pass. It's up to me, and where I choose to place my focus, as to how long they will last. Already, as the family prepares to go out, I am feeling less and less lonely, and more and more happy at the thought of a peaceful, quiet study afternoon.

(((HUGS)))
G

The Challenge to Love

***This was initially written as a NOTE on Facebook last Thursday. It just bears repeating. :) **
A very dear sister posted a Facebook challenge (via her status) to prayerfully read
I Corinthians 13 and Romans 12 every day for 30 days. Although I did not repost it on my status, I decided to rise to the occasion.

This morning was Day 1. I woke up and lay in bed just meditating on I Cor 13. It's a pretty familiar passage, so I hadn't even picked up my Bible yet when this came to me, unsought and kind of unwanted, since I don't know that I'll ever be capable of living up to what I wrote:

Love
I give you my love
Soft and gentle
Unconditionally
So you may know
That Christ is real
That God does heal
Angels are with you because
I pray without ceasing
For your well being.
I ask for nothing in return
If I did, my love would not be unconditional.
It would, instead, seek its own;
And turn away, hurt
unfulfilled
incomplete
unsatisfied
without being known,
Because that would not be love.

Letters to Africa

Today I sat down and did something I've been putting off for four months. I wrote a letter to a child in West Africa. Last October I took on a project without counting the long term costs and benefits. It was an emotional reaction to a plea for help. I'm so glad I didn't stop to consider the long term commitment. I don't really want to know what happens to children who do not have a sponsor.

My child lives in a region of the world that is very dry and arid. She is in a culture that degrades girls with dispicable practices such as female circumcision. There is a lack of trained teachers, nurses and living quarters in this part of the world.

The country just next door to hers has thousands of people living in remote tribes that still practice "mingi" -- killing children because they are believed to be cursed. This practice is deeply rooted in the occult. I am carefully NOT mentioning the name of the country, because the government of that country could easily expel the people who are there, in the trenches, trying to stop such practices, and rescue these precious little ones.

Some of my gentle readers may shake their heads and ask why, with so much poverty here in my own backyard, am I concerned for those so far away. I cannot answer that question easily. Here in America, there are many programs in place to deal with poverty. I am not called to help with those, I am called to the "least" of these. These "least" live in countries without the resources and infrastructure to deal with the cultural and sanitary issues that are destroying these children. I am being heavily challenged by God to step out of my comfort zone and be the difference in His people's lives.

If you can help, please do. I am including two links. Meander over and take a look. In light of eternity, is that brand new TV worth the life of a child on the other side of the world?

1. Food for the Hungry
2. Drawn from the Water

I had a very difficult time writing my first letter to my child. How can I ever describe a life so foreign to her? How can I sleep comfortably at night in my soft bed, knowing she has only a thin mattress? I am privileged, spoiled, and comfortable beyond her wildest imagination. So are you. Please give.

Happy Thanksgiving...

To my hordes of followers:

I hope your Thanksgiving is full of blessing and hope. Mine is.

I'm thankful that I'll have a house full of friends. Its the closest thing to a re-creation of my family holiday experience since I married Chris.

I'm thankful that in about two weeks I will have another semester behind me. One class closer to graduation.

I'm thankful that God cares so much about me that He will not let me stagnate, even though it hurts to move.

I'm thankful that I received a direct answer to prayer and have the open door to go to South Africa next year.

Advice for all single women....

My very dear friend Evetta sent this to me in an email last year. I published this as a note on my old Facebook account, but I think it bears dusting off and republishing...

Words from Pastor Jamal Harrison-Bryant:
I often warn women who are contemplating marriage to marry someone who can take care of them. When a woman marries, it ought to be to someone who is capable of taking her to the next level. If she comes from poverty, there is no reason for her to get married and still be impoverished. The role of the man is to take her to another place. When she gets married, she ought to dress better, drive better, live better, and eat better, not constantly be in a struggle over where her next meal is coming from. My grandmother used to say, 'I can do bad all by myself'

For a woman desiring a mate, the objective, of course, would be to find a Christian man, who's settled, has goals, accomplishments and a job. But a goal-oriented and focused man can't just be approached any kind of way. So the woman who seeks this type of stability must make sure that she stands out above the crowd:
1. Make sure your relationship with the Lord is strong and growing.
2. Make sure that you are presentable. Working from the inside out, your presentation should be representative of both who you are and whom you seek. Appearance is a reflection of how you see yourself.
3. Have the ability to hold an intelligent conversation.
4. And most importantly, allow the Holy Ghost to take control. You don't need to go after him. He's going to come after you, because after he sees and smells you and knows that you're in his presence, he's going to want to know who you are!
I know there's somebody reading this who has been chasing after the 'man of your dreams,' but God says, 'Just sit still and allow patience to have her perfect work through Me. ' Furthermore, it's never a good idea to be too forward and too aggressive. Attempting to win a man's affection by jumping into bed with him will only backfire and cause him to lose interest in ever developing a lasting relationship.
It causes him to lose respect for you and question your character. However, if he sees that you are dressed with quality, that you smell like you are somebody, that you look like you're doing fine without him, then that will attract the right attention from him. He'll have no choice but to give you his attention. Stop looking so needy, climbing into bed, trying in vain to capture a man's heart.

God woke me up in the middle of the night and said, 'The same thing that Naomi told Ruth to do is the same thing that I want them to do for me.' God is so sick of saints coming to Him trying to get a quickie and never romancing Him for Who he is - going to church screaming, shouting and hollering, but hadn't been intimate with God all week long! Stop trying to treat God like a sugar daddy and start romancing Him with worship and praise: 'I'm yours Lord...everything I've got...everything I'm not!'

The God we serve, which is the God of love, demands and requires of us foreplay before He gives us what we need. In the book of Ruth, the mother-in-law tells Ruth, 'You have to wash.' John 15:3 reminds us, Now ye are clean through the word which I have spoken unto you. When you sit in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, you are taking a shower. When you hear the unadulterated Word of God, then the dirt and grime that you've accumulated all week long begins to wash off of you. Ask God to 'create in you a clean heart and renew a right spirit.' Stand in the word. Then wait upon the Lord to renew your strength. Pass this on to those who have found or are seeking Mr. Right. This message is not directed at the receiver, it is directed to women I know that touch other young women that can benefit from this information. We are to be Naomi's of the world today.
Our young women need to be informed of how to catch and keep a man that will respect them.

P. S. Pass this on to every woman you know!

If he can't meet you where you are....leave him where he's at!

Stats stink sunday...

Its been a weird couple of weeks....

1. Policy change in expenses at work have left us slammed with calls, resulting in a bit of OT (never a bad thing)...

2. I finished up the spring semester at school on April 29th, and started what felt like a whirlwind social life. This weekend is the first I've been primarily at home all month. I kinda like it.

3. Divorce was finalized on Thursday. I am just happy its behind us, and we can both move forward from here. I was pretty nervous to see him, but once I saw him I didn't really have any reaction other than relief that he showed up. Not that I thought he wouldn't, but still, he was coming to FL from NJ. It is a bit of a hike for for a 10 minute hearing.

4. So just for kicks, because of the ads for "free communication" I opened a profile on eHarmony. Found some interesting people. Not really positive that I'm ready. My ex left for NJ on 8/1 of last year, and I've been on my own, healing and moving forward since then. The thought of being back in the "dating pool" is a little terrifying. I feel kinda sorry for the first few guys I meet, 'cause I'll probably have a lot of dating gaffs while trying to figure out how much to reveal and how much to keep to myself when it comes to my last relationship. I guess if a guy can stomach those kinds of mistakes, he might be the kind of guy with whom I should be involved. hahaha. Meantime, my focus is FORWARD with these goals: finishing school, losing the excess weight, and becoming debt free.

5. I should really have led with this one, cause its GREAT, and I'm all about good stuff...but since there was some not so hot news earlier in the post, I can wrap up with something awesome. :)

Friday afternoon in our team chat my manager mentions he has credits for southwest airlines about to expire. He's willing to negotiate a reasonable price in exchange. I laughed and said I would love to use them, but the only "price" i could afford was free. Long story short, I'm flying home to see my folks this weekend. YAY!! The only thing my manager is asking me to do: Feed my teammates something homemade... I THINK I might be able to handle that...

Down side: I have an appointment for a haircut that will need to be juggled, I'll miss Lindsay's graduation :( and Ashlie's baby shower. :((. Other than that, it'll be good to see my parents again.

6. Up next: Oklahoma on June 13th. Can't wait, but I guess I must!

7. One of my fellow bloggers signs his posts: All the Love in the Universe, ME. I love that. I wish I had thought of it first. O well.

Have a FABULOUS week! :)

Spiritual Gifts

Last August I somehow became involved in the College Ministry. It's an interesting story of me drifting aimlessly into the youth leadership planning meeting and leaving with the vague idea that I would be co-leading the group. While things didn't exactly work out that way, and the Children's ministry pulled me away for a whole month, I am now spending my time with the college kids, building relationships.

One of the students, still a fairly new christian, wanted to investigate the subject of spiritual gifts, so the teacher collaborated with one of the pastors and we ended up with a packet of information to sift through, and some dvds to watch.

The booklets begin with 129 statements and a rating scale of 1-5. The instructions are to label each statement according to the rating scale: 1 is least like you and 5 is most. Through lots of complicated instructions and processes I won't detail here, you could easily see on a grid all of the spiritual gifts, and which one was strongest for you. Mine was encouragement. But I already knew that. I took a very similar test in Atlanta 7 years ago, and had the exact same gift. What did surprise me was the 2 runners up. In the prior test they were Hospitality and Service. This time it was Faith and Evangelism. I know my faith is very strong, and I know I have come a long way from my upbringing, but I had no idea I would score so highly in the evangelism category. I will address the reasons for surprise in a future blog.

Overall, although the test was helpful, it served only to confirm to me what the Holy Spirit was already working in me during the past six months. My gifts and personality traits (there was a personality test in the packet also) are uniquely suited to things like choir, prayer, counseling, and discipleship. It struck me today as we were watching one of the dvd lessons that go along with the packet: part of the reason I have a fountain of joy in the middle of pain is because I am following the Spirit's lead. I am actively encouraging people, began prayer walking in January, and am currently building relationships that will hopefully have an influence on others' walks with Christ.

All this is not to toot my own horn, but to encourage you to pray and ask God for direction in where and how you should serve. You should not be feeling frustrated and burnt out over what you are doing for Jesus, but instead feel fulfilled. I know my spiritual journey in the last year has taken me down a very strange path. But now, in the middle of great stress (school, divorce, and other stuff) I have indescribable JOY.

Women of Influence

Mother's Day is coming. I have a question: Is there a woman (other than mom) who has had tremendous influence on you? If so, who was it and how?

I wrote in an earlier post about how God was pressing me to prayer. January, I started getting up early on Sunday mornings, riding up to church and doing a prayer walk before services started. This was not my idea. Pure and simple, I would never have thought of it on my own.

Aside from Susie Walther, the woman who has single-handedly had the most influence on my spiritual walk was Karen Shogren. I met Karen when I was living in Georgia, attending Crossroads Community Church. I don't remember exactly HOW we met, but she invited me to join her and a team of people on Saturday nights in praying over the church. Karen described herself as a prayer warrior. It sounded a little strange to me, this praying over the church, but at the same time it made perfect sense. Each Saturday night, the pastor, worship leader, and a small group of people would gather in the sanctuary. We would lay hands on the pastor and worship leader and pray over them. Then everyone would take a section, and every chair in the sanctuary would get prayed over. We would then spread out through the classrooms and pray over those, also.

One Sunday morning I met Karen just before service and she was radiant. I had never seen anyone look so beautiful, and whenever I think of her, this is how I see her. She was glowing. I told her so, and her response was that she had just spent some intense time in prayer meeting with God.

My prayer walk feels very humble at the moment. It is just me and God. But recently, after I completed my weekly walk, and came into the sanctuary for worship/service, someone greeted me and said, "You look RADIANT!" It was the nicest compliment anyone has ever paid to me. I had just had a pretty intense encounter with God. I wouldn't trade my time with Him for all the sleep in the world.

I moved away from Georgia, and lost touch with Karen. It's been 6 years since I've seen her. I am in the process of shutting down my hotmail account, and came across some emails from her. The memory of her example and encouragement came flooding back. I tried to email her, but the address I had was no longer valid.

I just established a new facebook account, and one of the first things I did was look for Karen. I thought it was a long shot, but lo and behold, there she was. The first person to pop up on the search list. I let out a scream and clicked the "add to friends" button as quickly as possible.

Whether Karen and I reestablish relationship or not, I will always remember her example. I am a part of her spiritual fruit, and what I produce is due, in part, to her example. This is my lesson for the week: whether you know a person for a short time or for a lifetime, there's always time to influence him or her for spiritual good.

Thanks, Karen. If I never do get to meet you again here, I will definitely see you in heaven!!

most peaceful high ever

so its positive post tuesday (per brody harper) and i'm going to talk about the BEST date ever.

Two out of five days I get to go home to my complex and watch the sunset over the water. I am so busy most days, I never stop to appreciate the small things. Every Tuesday; however, I rush home from work, change into sweats, walk over to the Bay wall in my complex, and take a front row seat to watch the greatest artist ever paint just for me.

Its the best date ever! I talk to my Daddy, release my worries, and relax. It slows me down for the rest of my hectic week. Tonight I went to the wall and fell in love again with my Redeemer.

The sun was still fairly high in the sky when I arrived. It was warm, and I sat on my sweatshirt, sipped my wine and watched the mullet jumping, their soft splashes in the still water lending lovely ambiance to the scene. The water is reflecting the blue sky and yellow sun. I let go of my hectic schedule and begin to relax.

My friend, Mr. Fisherman, comes down to the water in his waders and heads out into the water with his rod. I tell him the fish are jumping, and he tells me they are mullet. They won't bite the bait he is offering, since they are vegetarian. He leaves me sitting there, curious, but enjoying the sight of three fishermen in a boat gliding gently across the bay, shadowed against the sun, and pelicans sailing silently just above the water looking for food.

I love the way the colors of the water change as the sun sinks lower on the horizon. Bright yellow, to gold, to pinks and oranges. From the time I arrive at the wall, to the time the sun actually sets, approximately 45 minutes flow past. I talk to my Daddy, Creator, Lover and Friend. I tell Him my hopes and dreams, and I KNOW He holds me securely in His hands, and that he LOVES me. I sit, bathed in pink, orange, and purple hues, surrounded by love, and I know that all my past pain brings me a greater appreciation for present and future happiness.

Thank you, Daddy, for the beautiful date. I will talk to you every day, and I will see you at work again next Tuesday.