Unspeakable Joy... Probably longest post ever

I'm sitting here in my candlelit bedroom listening to Chris Tomlin on iTunes...If you haven't gotten it, I strongly recommend his Glory in The Highest Christmas album. I love his new version of Joy to the World. Maybe its because I've been through so much heartache recently, and now I'm coming out of that heartbreak into a brand new me, and that chorus just expresses it so clearly.

I was pretty shocked when God called me out of First Baptist Lutz. Shocked, heartbroken and just plain flummoxed. I thought that the stability of that church was exactly what I needed, so I didn't understand His plan in having me leave. Here's the sequence of events:

1. I cleared my schedule to spend as much time as possible with the youth, but I wasn't seeing clearly where I was supposed to be there.
2. I started looking for a place to live in Lutz, but wasn't feeling it. Something just kept holding me back from committing to an apartment.
3. I began to clearly see that as much as I loved the youth, I wasn't supposed to be there.
4. I was told on no uncertain terms to get into Divorce Care. It was the one thing I had been avoiding since Chris left. I don't know why. Possibly because I didn't even want to acknowledge that I was divorced.
5. Being told I had to go to Divorce Care quite frankly ticked me off. But I respected the person who told me that enough to stop and examine it. I started looking for recovery classes in the area. I was supposed to be in class at USF on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and church Wednesday nights, which left Mondays. I'm not good when I'm running every night. Not having down time stresses me out beyond belief. I fasted and prayed that Saturday. I found a Tuesday Night recovery class at The Crossings. "God," I said, "If I'm supposed to attend THIS divorce care, let me find an online class at USF that I need to take." I found the last seat in an exit course.
6. That night I texted a friend of mine because I wanted to talk. She was on her way out the door to attend her church. I decided to meet her there.
7. The pastor changed the sermon. I knew I was in trouble. At first I was thinking about how awesome his vision was, and what a great church. Then I heard these words, like a lightening bolt: "I have this press for PRAYER, and I'm taking YOU ALL WITH ME!!" The one thing I KNOW I've been called to is Prayer. I thought "O NO! But God, if you move me away from Lutz, I'll feel like I'm in exile!" Just then the pastor read Jeremiah 24:6. He said "I will bring you back from exile and your fruit will be TWICE as sweet!" I turned to my friend. "Do you still need a roommate?" I asked. She'd only been asking me to move in for six months. She grabs her journal and shows me where she wrote Psalm 118. Next to it she wrote "NO FEAR". Just then the Pastor reads it over the pulpit. I'm not sure how God could have been any clearer.
8. I moved in on 10/31/2009. On November 1 I open Oswald Chamber's My Utmost for His Highest and read this:

There is no such thing as a private life -- "a world within a the world" -- for a man or a woman who is brought into fellowship with Jesus Christ's sufferings. God breaks up the private life of His saints, and makes it a thoroughfare for the world on the one hand and for Himself on the other. No human being can stand that unless he is identified with Jesus Christ. We are not sanctified for ourselves, we are called into the fellowship of the gospel, and things happen which have nothing to do with us, God is getting us into fellowship with Himself. Let Him have His way; if you do not, instead of being of the slightest use to God in His Redemptive work in the world, you will be a hindrance and a clog.

The first thing God does with us is to get us based on rugged Reality until we do not care what becomes of us individually as long as He gets His way for the purpose of His Redemption. Why shouldn't we go through heartbreaks? Through those doorways God is opening up ways of fellowship with His Son. Most of us fall and collapse at the first grip of pain; we sit down on the threshold of God's purpose and die away of self-pity, and all so-called Christian sympathy will aid us to our death bed. But God will not. He comes with the grip of the pierced hand of His Son, and says -- "Enter into fellowship with Me; arise and shine." If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, than thank Him for breaking your heart.

Thank you for breaking my heart, Abba Father. I trust you with my past, present and future. My life is yours. Take it, and do what you will. Your dreams for me are so much better than mine for myself.

Moving was the right decision. I love my home, my church, my new friends and my old friends. I am exactly where I'm supposed to be, doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. That gives me unspeakable joy!


Next post: Lifegroups


(((((HUGS)))))

G

The Faith of Tim Tebow...

This was forwarded to me via email. I have no way of verifying every fact, and I do not know exactly where it originated from, but I think there are some important truths in what is said here. So without permission or acknowledgement, here is : The Gospel on Offense - The Faith of Tim Tebow

by Mark Earley

America's largest church has a capacity to hold 16,000. But while Tim Tebow may not be a preacher, when he runs into the University of Florida's football Stadium - affectionately known as "The Swamp" - his congregation numbers just over 90,000. And you can bet they're hearing Tim's message.

It's not just that this University of Florida quarterback wears Bible verses etched into his “eye-black” on game days. Tim Tebow hasbeen making headlines for more than simply his Heisman Trophy win as a sophomore and his two national championships. This summer the New York Times, GQ, and Sports Illustrated, all covered the quarterback's strong Christian faith.

Last year, when the Florida Gators won the national championship, the pre-game show followed Tim into a local Florida prison where he can regularly be found sharing his testimony and preaching the Gospel. And this top-notch athlete, who spends his spring breaks and summers ministering to orphans in the Philippines has actually helped change the culture of the University of Florida . According to Sports Illustrated, "Since Tebow's arrival on campus, and in large part because of him, the University has launched a series of community-service initiatives." Even coach Urban Meyer has taken his family on a "Tebow-inspired mission trip to the Dominican Republic ."

The press seems to be fascinated with outspoken Christian quarterbacks like Tim Tebow; Sam Bradford, the 2008 Heisman winner; and now USC's Matt Barkley. Only a few decades ago, it would have been taken for granted that these would be the kinds of fellows any father would want his daughter to marry. Now they are put under the microscope as some kind of curious anomaly-well-known athletes who actually exhibit character.

In our doped-up, mug-shot celebrity culture, sadly these young men do look a little out of step. And that's to our culture's shame. Perhaps that is why last year when the press asked Tim Tebow a rather impertinent question - they were more embarrassed by the response than he was. It was at a Southeastern Conference news media event where one reporter asked in front of the crowded room, "Are you a virgin?" Tim answered with an unequivocal yes and had yet another platform to explain how his faith impacts every area of his life.

That platform for sharing the Gospel is exactly what Tim's parents prayed for before he was born. Tim's father, Bob, a missionary in the Philippines, had been weeping over the millions of babies aborted in America. It was then that he prayed, "God, if you give me a son, if you give me Timmy, I'll raise him to be a preacher." Soon after, when Pam Tebow learned she was expecting, the parents' faith was put to the test. After a series of grave complications, doctors encouraged them to abort the child. They refused. Born small and weak, Timmy struggled from the beginning. But his dad continued to tell him, "God's got a purpose for you, and at some point, He's going to call you to preach."

Dad was right. God's message would come through the roar of the crowd, beamed to millions via satellite. But little did they know, Tim would don a jersey, not robes, and use a stadium for his pulpit. Tim's a great example of an opportunity every believer has - to put our faith to work on the field of play where God has gifted us and called us.

"Right is right, even if everyone is against it, and wrong is wrong, even if everyone is for it." William Penn

If you do not stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all. Isaiah 7:9 NIV

stats really do stink on sunday. and other random stuff

1. I had an awesome, relaxing, and completely fun filled Thanksgiving.

2. Going with the flow and being flexible is much more enjoyable then setting a rigid schedule and demanding that other people stick to it.

3. Had breakfast with my bff from Virginia on Saturday. One of the highlights of my week.

4. Dipping my big toe back into the dating pool. Surprisingly enough, not as weird as I feared it would be.

5. Christmas is - and has always been - my favorite holiday. I'm going back to Philly again this year. Can't wait. I even have a new winter coat for which I didn't have to fork over an arm and a leg. (Go Kohl's BF sale!)

6. Hopefully I now have an adequate wardrobe. I think I've replaced it 4 times in the past year. Last thing on the list: boots. Next stop: Payless.

Have a blessed week. (((HUGS)))

Its a week later and my bum still itches...

Last week I went to First Baptist Lutz for Judgement House. If you know what Judgement House is, skip to the next paragraph. Judgement House, for the uninitiated, is an huge production (like a play) set up in a church. Instead of sitting passively in your seats and watching a play on stage, you walk from room to room where the "scenes" are set up. It's a guided tour, and usually goes in groups of 10 or so people. Because you are walking and the actors are staying in each room, there are ways to identify the different characters as you go through. The Gospel is always presented, and you end with a glimpse of hell and a glimpse of heaven. It's very cool.

So I hooked up with my friend, Danyelle, and we were hanging out at the church prior to Judgement House. Since she teaches 3 and 4 year olds, she wanted to go early and get some things in order in her kids room before the production started. The building was locked and we had to wait for someone with a key. We sat on the little curb outside the church.

Now, those of you who live in Florida know what fireants look like, what their bite feels like, and will pretty much do anything to avoid those horrors. FBL has lots of fireants roaming the grounds. My first indication that something was wrong happened when I felt a tickle at the waistline of my jeans. I reached around and rubbed a little. Next thing I know, I feel a bite right around my tailbone. I jump up, slapping at the back of my jeans a little.

Danyelle wasn't paying much attention to me. I still felt like I could feel the darn ant crawling around. I wriggle accordingly. All the sudden she looks at me and was says something like, whats UP with YOU?? I give her a LOOK and go, I think I have ants in my pants. She laughed hysterically. Told me if that happened to her, she would hide behind the truck and strip off her jeans.

Finally I saw someone pull up and unlock the youth building, so I headed over there to visit the ladies room and check the damage. Yup, I had not one, but TWO fireant bites on my bum. Fortunately, I had benedryl cream with me. Unfortunately, its a week later, and my bum still itches -- although that might just be my imagination.

Judgement House was totally awesome. I was proud of the kids, sad cause I miss hanging with them, and excited for what God is doing in that church.

Advice for all single women....

My very dear friend Evetta sent this to me in an email last year. I published this as a note on my old Facebook account, but I think it bears dusting off and republishing...

Words from Pastor Jamal Harrison-Bryant:
I often warn women who are contemplating marriage to marry someone who can take care of them. When a woman marries, it ought to be to someone who is capable of taking her to the next level. If she comes from poverty, there is no reason for her to get married and still be impoverished. The role of the man is to take her to another place. When she gets married, she ought to dress better, drive better, live better, and eat better, not constantly be in a struggle over where her next meal is coming from. My grandmother used to say, 'I can do bad all by myself'

For a woman desiring a mate, the objective, of course, would be to find a Christian man, who's settled, has goals, accomplishments and a job. But a goal-oriented and focused man can't just be approached any kind of way. So the woman who seeks this type of stability must make sure that she stands out above the crowd:
1. Make sure your relationship with the Lord is strong and growing.
2. Make sure that you are presentable. Working from the inside out, your presentation should be representative of both who you are and whom you seek. Appearance is a reflection of how you see yourself.
3. Have the ability to hold an intelligent conversation.
4. And most importantly, allow the Holy Ghost to take control. You don't need to go after him. He's going to come after you, because after he sees and smells you and knows that you're in his presence, he's going to want to know who you are!
I know there's somebody reading this who has been chasing after the 'man of your dreams,' but God says, 'Just sit still and allow patience to have her perfect work through Me. ' Furthermore, it's never a good idea to be too forward and too aggressive. Attempting to win a man's affection by jumping into bed with him will only backfire and cause him to lose interest in ever developing a lasting relationship.
It causes him to lose respect for you and question your character. However, if he sees that you are dressed with quality, that you smell like you are somebody, that you look like you're doing fine without him, then that will attract the right attention from him. He'll have no choice but to give you his attention. Stop looking so needy, climbing into bed, trying in vain to capture a man's heart.

God woke me up in the middle of the night and said, 'The same thing that Naomi told Ruth to do is the same thing that I want them to do for me.' God is so sick of saints coming to Him trying to get a quickie and never romancing Him for Who he is - going to church screaming, shouting and hollering, but hadn't been intimate with God all week long! Stop trying to treat God like a sugar daddy and start romancing Him with worship and praise: 'I'm yours Lord...everything I've got...everything I'm not!'

The God we serve, which is the God of love, demands and requires of us foreplay before He gives us what we need. In the book of Ruth, the mother-in-law tells Ruth, 'You have to wash.' John 15:3 reminds us, Now ye are clean through the word which I have spoken unto you. When you sit in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, you are taking a shower. When you hear the unadulterated Word of God, then the dirt and grime that you've accumulated all week long begins to wash off of you. Ask God to 'create in you a clean heart and renew a right spirit.' Stand in the word. Then wait upon the Lord to renew your strength. Pass this on to those who have found or are seeking Mr. Right. This message is not directed at the receiver, it is directed to women I know that touch other young women that can benefit from this information. We are to be Naomi's of the world today.
Our young women need to be informed of how to catch and keep a man that will respect them.

P. S. Pass this on to every woman you know!

If he can't meet you where you are....leave him where he's at!

God's Original Masterpeice.

God doesn't make junk. Get a better internal language, and talk to God about your issues.

Watch the video. It's powerful.

God's Original Masterpiece

God's weird sense of humor....

Evidently putting a status on Facebook like: "I'm moving to Riverview. God has a weird sense of humor..." starts controversy. Somewhere, someone believes that using the name of God and the word "weird" in the same sentence, is the height of blasphemy.

Here is the argument (last names blocked out for privacy purposes, of course):



So my question is: Do you think God's will involve humor or not? Leave me comments. :)

(((HUGS)))
G

PS. Don't call me Gill. I hate it.

God's Discipline...

Last Saturday was my first official weekend at the Crossings. I was feeling a little stabby and resentful about going, and was having a very passive-aggressive reaction. I told God, "Ok, I'll GO to services, and attend Divorce Care, but I'm NOT getting involved in any other way until after Divorce Care is over!!" Yeah, right.

Last weekend's service was all about getting involved in a "life group". Life groups are small groups that meet in someone's home once a week. The Crossing has hundreds to choose from, depending on the night you prefer meeting, and the area where you want to meet. Pastor Greg was talking about how you need the protection, challenge and accountability of strong fellowships, referencing Ecclesiastes 4:8-12 (among others).

They had a kiosk set up in the lobby with pamphlets for each life group. I grabbed a pamphlet for the only South Tampa meeting on a Friday night, and a few that are meeting down in Riverview. Since I'm not moving until the end of October, I was on the fence about where to go and what to do. On Sunday, I called the couple hosting the South Tampa life group, and had to leave a message. I called again Tuesday night, no answer. I was a little wary at this point, and wasn't sure what to do. Friday morning I finally got a call back: somehow she had missed my message from Sunday and had just listened to it that morning.

I went, and was overwhelmed by how God works in each and every one of our lives. The group varies in age and their stories are soooo powerful. I felt instantly at home with all of these people, and the sense of community is awesome. I can definitely see that I am going to be challenged to grow and develop in this church. God knows what He is doing: I am being ministered to in divorce care on Tuesday nights (and yes, I definitely need this -- I have no idea why I was in denial for so long), and I am going to be challenged to dig deeper into the Word on Friday nights and in Sunday services.

The church has a couple of really cool classes. One is for new believers, called The Journey, which teaches basic Bible facts, and gets them settled on a firm Biblical foundation. The other is for newcomers, called 26.2, which helps them uncover their spiritual gifts and meet the leaders of the different ministries so they can get plugged in to serve. The next 26.2 starts October 11, and I will be going.

I am blessed beyond measure, and I know that God's discipline is painful when it comes, but it is always for our GOOD. I am so excited about the future!!

Blessed....

So its been a raw week...lots of ups and downs. It started last Wednesday when I woke up a 4am feeling like I had razor blades in my throat. Turns out it was a sinus infection. Caught it fairly early, so I should be in good shape for not missing work. Plus, found out the official weight loss is up to 72lbs. Not a bad day. I'm contagious, so I get to work from home on Wednesday.

Thursday I woke up feeling like I had been hit by a Mac truck. Called out sick. Slept most of the morning. I ended up going to class Thursday night, only because I was getting a little stir crazy in my apartment. I had a scheduled day off on Friday, so I slept in, took it easy.

Friday night and Saturday morning, FBL had a Women's Conference called: Women who Trust. It was awesome!! For me, it was confirmation that I heard God correctly when I heard Him tell me to change churches and move to Riverview. I am taking a leap of dangerous faith since I love living by myself, and would never have thought that being in a new church would be a good thing for me at this stage in my life.

Saturday night (still feeling pretty yukky) I went to The Crossing for service. Now, I'm a little stubborn, and rather passive-aggressive at times. When I knew God was calling me there, I got an attitude...I was thinking, "Okay, God, I'll go, cause you're telling me. I'll even be happy because I know it's Your will, but I'm NOT jumping right into ANYTHING. I'll get involved after my divorce care class is over." (That will be in December.) The message was all about getting involved in a LifeCare group. NOW. Oy vey, I give up. I'm not going to stubbornly ignore God THIS time -- Life's too painful when I do that.

Sunday I slept in for the first time in almost 5 years...it was lovely.

My emotions really are on a roller coaster at the moment. It's better now than it was a month ago, when I was wallowing in my funk. I think it'll be a couple of more weeks until they stabilize again. I've been badly hurt, and I need to take time to heal. (Divorce care says 1 year for every 4 years of marriage...) One thing I've learned: I can't rush the healing process. (Cue the music: Only LOVE can Break the HEART, only LOVE can MEND it agaaaiiinnnn.) I've been broken, and only God and His love can put me back together, and make me function better than before.

(((HUGS)))
G

the promised weight loss blog...

A lot of people have approached me lately asking how I lost so much weight. Getting the total from the doctor last week was so cool! 64 lbs is a small child.

After my ex moved out, I knew I needed to take time for myself. I desperately needed emotional and mental healing. Living with an alcoholic for 11 years takes its toll on your psyche. I decided to join a Bible study called "Get Thin, Stay Thin". The premise of the study is that we all have a silent hunger that only God can fill, and we try to fill it with other things: Food, alcohol, drugs, shopping, smoking -- you name it. I recognized that in myself, and went to work on three things:
1. Eating only when I was truly hungry. Yes, this meant waiting until my stomach was absolutely growling before I would eat.
2. Stopping when I was comfortable. This meant eating slowly and paying attention to my body.
3. Turning to God and praying through the negative emotions so I would not stuff food in my mouth when I didn't need it.

There were some things that naturally happened as a result in the changes to my lifestyle. For instance: Every weekend we would hit a bar, pig out on fried foods, and drink. We also had deep fried take out at least once or twice during the week. After he left, I stopped doing that. Not that I avoided fried foods completely, but it was a once-in-a-while occurrence, rather than a daily thing. I cut alcohol out of my life completely (it has a high sugar content) which has been a huge help to the weight loss.

A lovely woman at church gave me a book called Fit for Life. I picked it up in January (I was approximately 40 lbs down at this point) and decided it was a bit extreme. I intended on trying it for a while and seeing how it went, but I always seemed too busy to follow the principles. One thing that did catch my eye, though, was the promise that it could alleviate allergy symptoms. On February 27, after being diagnosed with yet another sinus infection, I decided to go for it.

Primarily my diet is now fresh fruit and raw vegetables. I eat very little bread and meat, although pasta is still part of my daily diet (more for convenience than anything else). I have lost approximately 20 more pounds since switching, and I feel a LOT healthier. I have lots more energy.

I threw my bathroom scale in the dumpster when I moved out of my last apartment. I don't want to measure my success in terms of pounds, but am choosing instead to just, well, let it be. I feel good that I am losing weight, especially since I have dropped 5 clothing sizes since last summer. Ultimately, though, I feel a lot better about myself. The weight loss is just a by-product of that. I am in a "safe" environment now, and God is working wonders in my life.

Here are some more pics that represent the journey.


June 2008


January 2009

April 2009

July 2009
Now:

Gearing up for Oklahoma...

So I was planning on writing a lengthy blog on Monday night, but I got all caught up in sending a lengthy email to a friend instead. To my friend: I apologize, I know you're busy, and probably had time to do more than skim. Next time I'll do better, and blog what should have been blogged. To everyone else: I'm leaving for Oklahoma at 3:15am Saturday. I suspect I will be very tired, but very happy to be disconnected from this monster called the internet. I need the break from work, and from myself. I have been living all wrapped up in my own head for too many weeks now. Next week is all about service: it's all about being "others" focused. I am soooo stoked to go!!

So I will see you all on the flip side, hopefully with some pics and tons of renewed positive energy.

:)

Meantime, don't forget to have a good night and a pleasant tomorrow! <3

help menus

Tonight I realized I'm not as tech savvy as I used to think. In fact, the longer I work in tech support, the more I realize how little I actually do know. Case and point:

1. Last week my neighbor, Amanda, was trying to show me some photos on her laptop. She was all freaked out because of virus warnings. She looked at me with her big brown eyes and said, "What should I do??!!!" I told her to run her antivirus scan. Advised her to keep her antivirus software current. Don't mess with viruses. Get whatever the latest greatest software is available to protect your computer. I know nothing about viruses, other than they are more often than not, very BAD news. I contracted the Facebook virus back when it was going around. That's when I realized I know nothing about viruses. Fortunately I work with some very talented people who do, but sadly my laptop still needed reimaged.

2. Due to MySpace I had some basic understanding of HTML. That is not to say I know anything about building web pages, because I don't. I learned that during my final project for my Advanced Tech Writing class. We had to put together a website and load sample pages onto it. I ended up paying for a host with a template so I wouldn't have to sit and figure it all out. One of my goals this summer is to learn the basics, so I can get my own site (gilliankilbride.com) up and running.

3. I deal with idiots on the phone all the time. People with CPA licenses asking me questions about why their corporate cards are not balancing. It blows my mind. What I have come to understand from these people is that an application is NOT "user friendly" if they have to read directions to understand how to use it. I'm actually ok with that. It gives tech support job security. So imagine my consternation when I had this thought cross my mind: "I can't understand why my iTunes won't play the whole dang playlist instead of just one song!! I've searched and searched for options but there aren't any! So much for Apple being user friendly!" DO'H!!!!

No, I never read the directions. Guess I should go now and read the help menu. Then I wouldn't be sitting here in silence trying to figure out what I want to blog about next.