Do you know what your "spiritual gift" is? Teaching, preaching, healing, encouragement, knowledge, discernment, administrative...Churches have a long list of these, and there is a whole slew of studies, questionnaires and the like to help you discover your gift, and how to put it to use. I've taken the questionnaire twice now. The top gift was the same both times. Some days I really like my gift, and some days I want to ask God is He sure that I'm supposed to have that one...
I have gift envy. I wish I was more organized. I want to be administratively gifted. I want to be able to hold an event that people respond to, attend, and enjoy. I wish I could plan a successful party. I want to be able to just start AND finish a project. I used to think I was good at this type of stuff. I used to think I was gifted at service. Truth be told, I scored high on service the first time I took the test. It was the second highest gift. I loved that. I liked being behind the scenes, setting up the food for potlucks, and cleaning up after. I was Ms. Dependable. "They" always knew they could count on me. Here's the truth and it isn't pretty: I thought it was the only way to get people to like me. Doing things for others was the only way to get them to like me. There, now you know. I was full of massive insecurity. And then I got divorced.
When my ex and I separated, I began shedding a lot of weight. The excess weight was a result of years of emotional stress eating. As the weight came off, the emotions buried under layers and layers of fat rose to the surface. I was in a season of aloneness (thank you, God!). I spent a lot of that time dealing prayfully with the issues that put the weight on in the first place. Now, as my new body emerges, so is the spirit I had buried there. Now I realize that I actually like attention. I feel no hesitation in getting up in front of people and talking. I am a social, extroverted person, and I won't be hiding in the kitchen anymore. (So that's more gift envy, actually: when others get asked to deliver talks, I hear little whispers in my ear...why not you...how come you weren't asked to speak? All I can say is: go away Satan, I need to HEAR what God is saying through that person to me!)
The second time I took the test, service did not even make the top three gifts. My gifts are encouragement, faith, and evangelism. I don't always like the encouragement part because it often attracts people to me who are horribly hurt and in a great deal of pain. I am empathetic, and often have the best of intentions for following up with them. But that's the downside of my gift. I spread myself thin, and forget to follow up with people. Since I'm not administratively gifted, follow-up doesn't come naturally to me. Hence the gift envy. There are times when my gift makes me feel downright lazy. I see others accomplishing things, and all I'm doing is standing there talking. (Never mind that the person in front of me is pouring out their hurt and pain...) God is good, because He sends the encourager encouragement too. Today I was paid a very high complement by the leader of my South African missions team. Let's just say, I've felt like I've been in the background for a lot of things involving this trip, and that I wasn't pulling my weight. After what she said to me, I no longer feel that way. I've decided to look at it differently: I'm allowing others to exercise THEIR gift. This one can arrange for us all to have t-shirts, that one is booking the flights and organizing teams to do various tasks when we get there, the third is pulling together fund-raising plans...the list goes on. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing: pitching in where ever I can, and encouraging them when the going gets tough. The envy is gone.
Take THAT satan!
Galations 6:9
Do not grow weary in doing good, for in due season we shall reap a great harvest if we do not faint.
(((HUGS)))
G
Showing posts with label God's gifts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God's gifts. Show all posts
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Perfection...
I wish I was perfect. I'm not. That's not a news flash to anyone who reads this blog, I'm sure. I do not listen to Christian music exclusively. I do read Jenny the Bloggess with all her irreverence and thoroughly enjoy the sarcastic humor she and her audience display. I use the phrase LMAO, and I do say the word ASS (Sorry if that offends you). In traffic I have been known to call people donkeys because they do something I think is stupid. O, and yeah, while my potty mouth has cleaned up drastically in the last two years, every once in a while the f-bomb drops when I least expect it. Sometimes I do or say or write things that cause other people unnecessary pain. I just wish that God would put a gag over my mouth and only let me say or do the things that He wants me to say or do. Nothing more, nothing less. But then, there would be no need for His grace, would there?
If we were all perfect, we wouldn't need grace. We wouldn't need Jesus. We wouldn't need the incredible sacrifice He made on the cross. If we were all perfect, we wouldn't have free will. Since He would be making all the choices for us, we wouldn't get a say. I wouldn't get to choose where I live. I wouldn't get to choose whether to sit at home and be alone, or to go out with my friends and enjoy a movie. I have heard over and over that we are supposed to consult Him on every decision we make, down to the smallest detail. Am I alone in struggling with this?? Surely God doesn't care if I purchase pure white sugar or stevia. How 'bout Diet Coke with Cherry vs Diet Coke with Lime?
Free will is awesome, but it can lead to us making choices that hurt other people. It can lead to public failures, and equally public apologies. It can lead to self-indulgent, selfish choices that benefit no one (including the choice maker). But it can also lead to incredibly beautiful things. The choice to step up and be a hero in the face of great disasters. The choice to serve a greater good by joining the armed forces and fighting for an ideal that is hard to express, but defines a way of life. The choice to love even when your rights are being violated. The choice to pray for people who have used or manipulated you. The choice to believe God is real and loves you even when you feel overwhelming evidence that He is not, and does not.
When it's all said and done, I'll take imperfection and free will over perfection and no choice. I will continue to make mistakes, and the people affected by those mistakes will either choose to forgive or not, based on their own free will. I learn from my mistakes -- sometimes in very hard and bitter ways -- but I would rather make a right or wrong choice, and endure either the good or the bad that emerges from that choice, then to have no choice to make. I am flawed. I am imperfect. I own that imperfection and strive to be better. I strive to overcome and be more like Christ. None of my imperfections are enough to separate me from the love of Christ Jesus. Nothing I can do or say will make Him turn away and say "I disown you". Instead, He is gentle and kind. He disciplines me when I need it, and He loves on me always. I am His beloved daughter. Someday I will be perfect, just not today.
(((HUGS)))
G
If we were all perfect, we wouldn't need grace. We wouldn't need Jesus. We wouldn't need the incredible sacrifice He made on the cross. If we were all perfect, we wouldn't have free will. Since He would be making all the choices for us, we wouldn't get a say. I wouldn't get to choose where I live. I wouldn't get to choose whether to sit at home and be alone, or to go out with my friends and enjoy a movie. I have heard over and over that we are supposed to consult Him on every decision we make, down to the smallest detail. Am I alone in struggling with this?? Surely God doesn't care if I purchase pure white sugar or stevia. How 'bout Diet Coke with Cherry vs Diet Coke with Lime?
Free will is awesome, but it can lead to us making choices that hurt other people. It can lead to public failures, and equally public apologies. It can lead to self-indulgent, selfish choices that benefit no one (including the choice maker). But it can also lead to incredibly beautiful things. The choice to step up and be a hero in the face of great disasters. The choice to serve a greater good by joining the armed forces and fighting for an ideal that is hard to express, but defines a way of life. The choice to love even when your rights are being violated. The choice to pray for people who have used or manipulated you. The choice to believe God is real and loves you even when you feel overwhelming evidence that He is not, and does not.
When it's all said and done, I'll take imperfection and free will over perfection and no choice. I will continue to make mistakes, and the people affected by those mistakes will either choose to forgive or not, based on their own free will. I learn from my mistakes -- sometimes in very hard and bitter ways -- but I would rather make a right or wrong choice, and endure either the good or the bad that emerges from that choice, then to have no choice to make. I am flawed. I am imperfect. I own that imperfection and strive to be better. I strive to overcome and be more like Christ. None of my imperfections are enough to separate me from the love of Christ Jesus. Nothing I can do or say will make Him turn away and say "I disown you". Instead, He is gentle and kind. He disciplines me when I need it, and He loves on me always. I am His beloved daughter. Someday I will be perfect, just not today.
(((HUGS)))
G
Thursday, July 1, 2010
One Question...
A few years ago I was in a Sunday School group studying the book of Revelation. There was a question in one of the studies asking "What is the one question you will ask God when you meet Him?" Mostly people said they will ask the questions relating to why bad things happen to good people. They would ask the question why so and so had to go through such and such. Eventually the study leader turned to me (I was uncharacteristically quiet) and said "What about you?" Truthfully, I have no questions for God. I believe that when we stand in front of Him, we will understand without asking. We will see the "bigger picture" so to speak, and our individual problems won't really matter to us anymore. The mountain I had to climb last month will be nothing in comparison to His Holiness in front of me. I would climb a thousand if it means that I can be that much closer to Him. I truly believe that when I do meet my Maker, I am going to fall flat on my face in awe. Meantime, I have faith that God holds my past, present and future in His hands. No matter how much pain I experience here, He holds me fast, and He has a reason for it all. That's enough for me.
Thoughts?
Thoughts?
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Loneliness
I can be in the middle of a noisy, busy household and feel completely, utterly lonely. Wave after wave will wash over me as I listen to others make plans that do not include me. I miss my family. I miss the companionship of marriage -- the obligation to cooperate.
For a whole year, I dealt with loneliness while living alone. It was easy. I expected it. Welcomed it even. I wanted to be alone. I felt that being alone was better than being with the wrong person. This is not to say that I turned into a hermit. Far from it. However, I called the shots. I decided when I wanted or did not want to be with other people. During those times, when I would feel the wave, it was easy to turn on music, curl up into a ball and cry out to God for deliverance. This is different. While living alone, I learned how to be alone, and NOT be lonely. I still don't know how to be in a crowd and not be lonely.
The simple act of being invited to share breakfast with my roommate and her children brought the issue forcefully to the front of my mind today. While eating, I realized that their family history, private jokes, shared secrets knit them together in a unity that I have yet to find. That's when the wave hit. No longer am I satisfied with the plans I have for the day: study. I want to go bowling, go to the movies, let loose and have fun with family. Not just any family: MY family, MY husband, MY kids.
Intellectually this is reasoned out fairly quickly:
The only way to combat loneliness is with truth. The truth is, those moments will come, and then they will pass. It's up to me, and where I choose to place my focus, as to how long they will last. Already, as the family prepares to go out, I am feeling less and less lonely, and more and more happy at the thought of a peaceful, quiet study afternoon.
(((HUGS)))
G
For a whole year, I dealt with loneliness while living alone. It was easy. I expected it. Welcomed it even. I wanted to be alone. I felt that being alone was better than being with the wrong person. This is not to say that I turned into a hermit. Far from it. However, I called the shots. I decided when I wanted or did not want to be with other people. During those times, when I would feel the wave, it was easy to turn on music, curl up into a ball and cry out to God for deliverance. This is different. While living alone, I learned how to be alone, and NOT be lonely. I still don't know how to be in a crowd and not be lonely.
The simple act of being invited to share breakfast with my roommate and her children brought the issue forcefully to the front of my mind today. While eating, I realized that their family history, private jokes, shared secrets knit them together in a unity that I have yet to find. That's when the wave hit. No longer am I satisfied with the plans I have for the day: study. I want to go bowling, go to the movies, let loose and have fun with family. Not just any family: MY family, MY husband, MY kids.
Intellectually this is reasoned out fairly quickly:
- I have an obligation to study, because I have a test next week.
- I have lots of friends to call on if I wanted someone to hang out with me.
- I am a woman of faith, and I believe that God's timing is best. I believe He is using this time to prepare my heart - and the heart of the one He is sending to me - for each other. I will have these things when He is ready for me to have them.
- I can be surrounded by husband, children and extended family and still feel lonely.
The only way to combat loneliness is with truth. The truth is, those moments will come, and then they will pass. It's up to me, and where I choose to place my focus, as to how long they will last. Already, as the family prepares to go out, I am feeling less and less lonely, and more and more happy at the thought of a peaceful, quiet study afternoon.
(((HUGS)))
G
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Lesson from the little....
Since I am moving in two weeks, I have had to go carefully through my belongings and decide what is worthy of keeping, storing, and what should be sold or donated. I cannot fit everything I own into one bedroom. While lots of stuff has been a "no brainer", there have been moments where this has become emotionally taxing. I keep going because I keep having this press from God to simplify my life as much as possible. I don't know why, but I think it will be awesome.
During this time I looked at my jewelry box and realized I would have no room for it. That didn't bother me one bit, since it never was on my list of favorite things. I knew I could let it go easily, so I put it in the box for yard sale. I then thought of my friend Danny, and his adorable 8 year old daughter. So I asked Danny if Emily had a jewelry box. He said, "No, but she thinks she needs one." I gave it to him for her.
The next day, I looked expectantly at Danny. Emily is the type of child who goes into raptures over presents. "Her mother wouldn't let me give Emily the jewelry box yesterday," he said. "She was naughty and is being punished." This went on for a couple more days. I thought it was kind of funny, and remembered how I was sassy to my mother at that age too. Danny said his closet shelf is collecting things for Emily that they cannot give to her because she is being so willful. And then the profound truth hit me: How often does God want to give us lovely blessings but cannot because we are too willful? God has called us to obedience, pure and simple. He tells us that He loves us as a father loves his children. Do you hear Him calling your name? Come into obedience with the One who loves you more than you can ever love yourself. Let Him give you the lovely gifts on His closet shelf.
During this time I looked at my jewelry box and realized I would have no room for it. That didn't bother me one bit, since it never was on my list of favorite things. I knew I could let it go easily, so I put it in the box for yard sale. I then thought of my friend Danny, and his adorable 8 year old daughter. So I asked Danny if Emily had a jewelry box. He said, "No, but she thinks she needs one." I gave it to him for her.
The next day, I looked expectantly at Danny. Emily is the type of child who goes into raptures over presents. "Her mother wouldn't let me give Emily the jewelry box yesterday," he said. "She was naughty and is being punished." This went on for a couple more days. I thought it was kind of funny, and remembered how I was sassy to my mother at that age too. Danny said his closet shelf is collecting things for Emily that they cannot give to her because she is being so willful. And then the profound truth hit me: How often does God want to give us lovely blessings but cannot because we are too willful? God has called us to obedience, pure and simple. He tells us that He loves us as a father loves his children. Do you hear Him calling your name? Come into obedience with the One who loves you more than you can ever love yourself. Let Him give you the lovely gifts on His closet shelf.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)