The Pursuit of Happiness

I'm sitting on the lanai in a nice comfy chair, listening to the breeze rattle the palm tree branches. The sun is shining, and the sky is blue. Various sounds float on the breeze: bird songs, children laughing, and lawn mowers chugging away. Its an idyllic day. I have no worries, no problems, nothing that God isn't big enough to handle. I am - to put it frankly - happy. I have learned to let go of the things I thought would bring me happiness, and now I find happiness exists in many moments like these. Last night, happiness was learning how to dance the tango and the salsa. Today, it is the warm, peaceful spring day on the lanai.

God has pulled me through so many storms. There have been lots of those since I accepted Jesus as my Savior over 11 years ago. "If I had known then what I know now..." Have you ever said that to yourself? Would you really have done anything differently if you had known what was going to happen? Would you have changed your behaviors, or would you simply have let go sooner of the things holding you down or holding you back? We could drive ourselves crazy asking these questions. The ultimate response to this line of thinking is that God works for the good outcome for all His children. In His time, in His manner, not ours. It is my testimony that I'm much happier having come through those storms with Christ than without Him, and that He has, indeed worked these things for my good.

I am a Princess. A daughter of the Most High Living God. Without those storms, I would not know my worth in Christ. Without those problems, I would not have learned to lean on Christ. Without those issues, I would not appreciate the peaceful, idyllic day I am experiencing right now. I would not have learned to pursue God with the absolute single mindedness that He requires. "Seek ye FIRST the Kingdom of God, and all these OTHER things will be added unto you." My Father comes first, always. Whenever that happens, the happy moments come thick and fast. He is in control; therefore, whatever state I am in, I am content. I am happy.

Loneliness

I can be in the middle of a noisy, busy household and feel completely, utterly lonely. Wave after wave will wash over me as I listen to others make plans that do not include me. I miss my family. I miss the companionship of marriage -- the obligation to cooperate.

For a whole year, I dealt with loneliness while living alone. It was easy. I expected it. Welcomed it even. I wanted to be alone. I felt that being alone was better than being with the wrong person. This is not to say that I turned into a hermit. Far from it. However, I called the shots. I decided when I wanted or did not want to be with other people. During those times, when I would feel the wave, it was easy to turn on music, curl up into a ball and cry out to God for deliverance. This is different. While living alone, I learned how to be alone, and NOT be lonely. I still don't know how to be in a crowd and not be lonely.

The simple act of being invited to share breakfast with my roommate and her children brought the issue forcefully to the front of my mind today. While eating, I realized that their family history, private jokes, shared secrets knit them together in a unity that I have yet to find. That's when the wave hit. No longer am I satisfied with the plans I have for the day: study. I want to go bowling, go to the movies, let loose and have fun with family. Not just any family: MY family, MY husband, MY kids.

Intellectually this is reasoned out fairly quickly:

1. I have an obligation to study, because I have a test next week.
2. I have lots of friends to call on if I wanted someone to hang out with me.
3. I am a woman of faith, and I believe that God's timing is best. I believe He is using this time to prepare my heart - and the heart of the one He is sending to me - for each other. I will have these things when He is ready for me to have them.
4. I can be surrounded by husband, children and extended family and still feel lonely.

Lots of people will tell you that this is all the "pain" of being single. I don't think being single is painful at all. It is really one of the happiest times of my life. I am learning to lean on God for everything, to know His heart towards me and others, and to love unconditionally. Not with expectation or desperation, but with joy and abandonment.

The only way to combat loneliness is with truth. The truth is, those moments will come, and then they will pass. It's up to me, and where I choose to place my focus, as to how long they will last. Already, as the family prepares to go out, I am feeling less and less lonely, and more and more happy at the thought of a peaceful, quiet study afternoon.

(((HUGS)))
G

Disconnected connectivity....

I've not been able to access Facebook for a full week now. I am extremely disappointed in the Facebook team's inability to respond to my 10 emails screaming for help. My requests for password resets have not yielded any responses to my inbox, causing me to worry that my account has been hijacked by scammers. The lack of response from the Facebook has been disconcerting to say the least. Meanwhile, I suffer withdrawal. I had no idea just how addicted I had become to the instant access to my family and friends who live 1400 miles away. I also wonder if anyone misses me out there in cyberworld. Just in case you do, here is what is going on in my life.

1. School will be over on April 25th. I am looking forward to this with unprecedented longing. I think I might survive (and even pass) my Basic Stats class. At this point, I really will be happy to pass. If I achieve the 2.5 needed to be exempt from the CLAST exam, Philadelphians will hear me screaming with joy from Florida. My other class, Advanced Technical Writing is winding down with an enormous project that is due on April 20th. I haven't even started it, partly because there is one section that has me completely stumped. I am going to camp out in the University Library this Saturday and try to make sense of it all.

2. Choir preparation for Easter Sunday. Sometime in January, our worship leader announced that the choir was starting preparation for Easter Sunday and would meet Wednesday nights after the church service. Perfect timing. My class on Wednesday nights let out at 7:20, allowing me JUST enough time to get to church for choir. I fell in love with a couple of the songs we are singing this weekend, and somehow, I opened up my big mouth and ended up with a solo part.

I have never thought of myself has having a great voice, but this song is compelling to me, and I am happy to be singing it. Its my first solo, and I had no idea my nerves could hit such a fever pitch. I stood up to sing it in practice on a Wednesday night, and my hands were shaking so badly I almost couldn't hold my microphone. I think I'm finally ready -- I'd better be, because the show goes on tomorrow night. I just pray for the Holy Spirit to fill me up and use me during this time. Because when you get down to brass tacks, this isn't really about me. It's about Christ, His death, and resurrection. It's about the One who reigns in my life.

3. Thursday nights I attend The Well. This is my midweek gut check on where I am with my relationship with Christ. Aside from awesome Bible studies, The Well gives me a chance to connect with other women, hear about their walks, and share prayer burdens.

In case you are wondering about my schedule: Every day I leave my house at 7:20 am. On Mondays I get home around 8pm, Wednesdays 10pm, and Thursdays 9:30 pm. Most people would tell me to give something up. And if my circumstances were different, I would. But that Thursday night gut check is priceless, I love to sing, so the choir is really enjoyable, and I need to complete my education -- thus the reason for my grueling schedule -- all of which comes to a screeching halt on April 25th.

Over the month of May, I plan on taking some time and reevaluating what I really want to keep on my plate, and what I want to give up. Meantime, at least I'm not hanging out on Facebook all night when I should be doing other things. The only problem seems to be that blogs are replacing my facebook addiction...I'm such a junkie. I love the internet. :) Even in my disconnected state, I'm still connected.

But I do miss my facebook friends. Leave me some comments. Let me know how you are doing. :0)