Perfection...

I wish I was perfect. I'm not. That's not a news flash to anyone who reads this blog, I'm sure. I do not listen to Christian music exclusively. I do read Jenny the Bloggess with all her irreverence and thoroughly enjoy the sarcastic humor she and her audience display. I use the phrase LMAO, and I do say the word ASS (Sorry if that offends you). In traffic I have been known to call people donkeys because they do something I think is stupid. O, and yeah, while my potty mouth has cleaned up drastically in the last two years, every once in a while the f-bomb drops when I least expect it. Sometimes I do or say or write things that cause other people unnecessary pain. I just wish that God would put a gag over my mouth and only let me say or do the things that He wants me to say or do. Nothing more, nothing less. But then, there would be no need for His grace, would there?

If we were all perfect, we wouldn't need grace. We wouldn't need Jesus. We wouldn't need the incredible sacrifice He made on the cross. If we were all perfect, we wouldn't have free will. Since He would be making all the choices for us, we wouldn't get a say. I wouldn't get to choose where I live. I wouldn't get to choose whether to sit at home and be alone, or to go out with my friends and enjoy a movie. I have heard over and over that we are supposed to consult Him on every decision we make, down to the smallest detail. Am I alone in struggling with this?? Surely God doesn't care if I purchase pure white sugar or stevia. How 'bout Diet Coke with Cherry vs Diet Coke with Lime?

Free will is awesome, but it can lead to us making choices that hurt other people. It can lead to public failures, and equally public apologies. It can lead to self-indulgent, selfish choices that benefit no one (including the choice maker). But it can also lead to incredibly beautiful things. The choice to step up and be a hero in the face of great disasters. The choice to serve a greater good by joining the armed forces and fighting for an ideal that is hard to express, but defines a way of life. The choice to love even when your rights are being violated. The choice to pray for people who have used or manipulated you. The choice to believe God is real and loves you even when you feel overwhelming evidence that He is not, and does not.

When it's all said and done, I'll take imperfection and free will over perfection and no choice. I will continue to make mistakes, and the people affected by those mistakes will either choose to forgive or not, based on their own free will. I learn from my mistakes -- sometimes in very hard and bitter ways -- but I would rather make a right or wrong choice, and endure either the good or the bad that emerges from that choice, then to have no choice to make. I am flawed. I am imperfect. I own that imperfection and strive to be better. I strive to overcome and be more like Christ. None of my imperfections are enough to separate me from the love of Christ Jesus. Nothing I can do or say will make Him turn away and say "I disown you". Instead, He is gentle and kind. He disciplines me when I need it, and He loves on me always. I am His beloved daughter. Someday I will be perfect, just not today.

(((HUGS)))
G

Truth and Lies

I've been thinking a lot lately about what women say to themselves. My friends are taking a study at church called Me, Myself and Lies. It is about the lies that women tell themselves all the time. Recently I met a guy I thought was really interesting. For whatever reason that exists between him and God, he is not pursuing a relationship with me. In the aftermath of his obvious (initial) interest followed by his sudden departure, I began turning things over in my head, analyzing the situation to death, and blaming myself for what never happened. I was driving home from work one day last week and it hit me: I have been telling myself some lies that appeared to be truth. Satan is sneaky that way.

Lie #1: I have to reach my physical fitness goals before I can meet that person. When I'm satisfied with my body image, I will portray the type of confidence I need to attract the right person to me.
Truth: Get over it. I am beautiful just as I am. I was beautiful before I lost 80 lbs too. I am a Princess, a daughter of the Most High Living God. My Father tells me I'm beautiful every day.

Lie #2: I have to reach my financial fitness goals before I can get into a serious relationship. I am carrying a load of debt racked up while I was married. I am shedding it slowly but surely. I will be free eventually, once I learn to stop trusting in my own wisdom, and rely completely on God. Truth: No man in his right mind is going to condemn me for debt. If he is Godly, he will give me good advice.

Lie #3: I have to be pure enough. Let's be frank here. There is a lot of junk that floods over the radio, tv and internet every day. It is the responsibility of every Christian to take every thought captive. It is only through the same self discipline exercised over money and food that anyone can succeed in being pure. I have taken a vow of abstinence until I am married again. It is because I respect God, myself, and my future mate too much to give something that precious away lightly. I can satisfy my flesh very quickly -- if and when I choose -- but God has a better plan.
Truth: My past is past. I am worthy of the wait, and so is he. There will be men that I am attracted to, but if I take every thought captive, and do not act on the attraction, then I am fulfilling my vow of purity. Taking every thought captive means putting on the full armor of God (Ephesians 6) and washing in the Word every day (Ephesians 5:25).

Lie #4: I have to finish school first. I really do want to obtain my Bachelor's degree. Somehow I had become convinced that I could not do that if I was in a serious relationship.
Truth: I will finish school. It's just a matter of time.

God's timing is always perfect. His ways are higher than my ways, and His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. He will send me the right man at the right time, but it will not be my time, it will be His. I trust Him. He is my Daddy, and He really does know best. No more lies: only His sweet, sweet truth.

What lies are YOU telling yourself?

Misc...

So much is going on, and its been a while since I posted...so here's a few random thoughts as teasers.

1. Easter was incredible. Spent the whole weekend in church. Good Friday was a Communion Service (AMAZING). Since I was in the choir, I had to be back at 3:15pm on Saturday to practice for the Saturday night services. I was there until 9pm. Went home, slept and was back in church at 7:30 for another practice, followed by prayer time, followed by 3 more services. It was exhausting, exhilarating, and quite awesome.
   
2. God is amazing. All the time. Last night I really received confirmation that I am supposed to become an Encourager at church. It's the perfect way for me to serve in ministry.
   
3. I have a test on Saturday and I am avoiding studying by posting this blog.
4. I have learned that I MUST wait on God, and not try to force things to happen because I think they should.
5. I am learning submission. It's hard. I don't always like it. But I'm still learning.
6. My deposit for South Africa is due on 4/16.
   

Loneliness

I can be in the middle of a noisy, busy household and feel completely, utterly lonely. Wave after wave will wash over me as I listen to others make plans that do not include me. I miss my family. I miss the companionship of marriage -- the obligation to cooperate.

For a whole year, I dealt with loneliness while living alone. It was easy. I expected it. Welcomed it even. I wanted to be alone. I felt that being alone was better than being with the wrong person. This is not to say that I turned into a hermit. Far from it. However, I called the shots. I decided when I wanted or did not want to be with other people. During those times, when I would feel the wave, it was easy to turn on music, curl up into a ball and cry out to God for deliverance. This is different. While living alone, I learned how to be alone, and NOT be lonely. I still don't know how to be in a crowd and not be lonely.

The simple act of being invited to share breakfast with my roommate and her children brought the issue forcefully to the front of my mind today. While eating, I realized that their family history, private jokes, shared secrets knit them together in a unity that I have yet to find. That's when the wave hit. No longer am I satisfied with the plans I have for the day: study. I want to go bowling, go to the movies, let loose and have fun with family. Not just any family: MY family, MY husband, MY kids.

Intellectually this is reasoned out fairly quickly:

1. I have an obligation to study, because I have a test next week.
2. I have lots of friends to call on if I wanted someone to hang out with me.
3. I am a woman of faith, and I believe that God's timing is best. I believe He is using this time to prepare my heart - and the heart of the one He is sending to me - for each other. I will have these things when He is ready for me to have them.
4. I can be surrounded by husband, children and extended family and still feel lonely.

Lots of people will tell you that this is all the "pain" of being single. I don't think being single is painful at all. It is really one of the happiest times of my life. I am learning to lean on God for everything, to know His heart towards me and others, and to love unconditionally. Not with expectation or desperation, but with joy and abandonment.

The only way to combat loneliness is with truth. The truth is, those moments will come, and then they will pass. It's up to me, and where I choose to place my focus, as to how long they will last. Already, as the family prepares to go out, I am feeling less and less lonely, and more and more happy at the thought of a peaceful, quiet study afternoon.

(((HUGS)))
G

The Challenge to Love

***This was initially written as a NOTE on Facebook last Thursday. It just bears repeating. :) **
A very dear sister posted a Facebook challenge (via her status) to prayerfully read
I Corinthians 13 and Romans 12 every day for 30 days. Although I did not repost it on my status, I decided to rise to the occasion.

This morning was Day 1. I woke up and lay in bed just meditating on I Cor 13. It's a pretty familiar passage, so I hadn't even picked up my Bible yet when this came to me, unsought and kind of unwanted, since I don't know that I'll ever be capable of living up to what I wrote:

Love
I give you my love
Soft and gentle
Unconditionally
So you may know
That Christ is real
That God does heal
Angels are with you because
I pray without ceasing
For your well being.
I ask for nothing in return
If I did, my love would not be unconditional.
It would, instead, seek its own;
And turn away, hurt
unfulfilled
incomplete
unsatisfied
without being known,
Because that would not be love.

I'm not who I was....

And I'm not who I'm going to be, either.

I'm not the same person who, less than six months ago was a bundle of hidden pain. God is so GOOD. He does not let us stagnate and fester, but performs surgery where needed to cut the dross and infection away.

I have put to rest the bitterness and rage that I was carrying last summer. It is a beautiful thing, and allows me to move forward. It allows God to do amazing things in my life. Not that He wasn't before, but now I can actually appreciate them, even when I don't completely understand.

I recorded a testimony for Divorce Care at my church. It can be viewed HERE. Put on earphones and turn it WAY up, because I was sick so my voice is VERY soft.

This is only the beginning of God making me into the woman He always intended me to be. I can't wait to see what He has in store. I'm NOT who I was, thank you Jesus.