Yeah, I missed me too...

Depression absolutely stinks. I hate it. I hate the way I don't make the bed, the way I curl up on the sofa and lose myself in mindless tv programming. The commercial for depression pretty much sums it up. Watching that over and over drove me deeper into the abyss. When I am in depression, I hate the way I don't make an effort to call my friends, or reach out to people in my family. I hate the way I let simple household chores like laundry and dishes pile up, the way I can't get out of bed until the last minute, skating into work just before it was time to sign into my phone. I can fake a good mood during depression. Mask the bad with a fake smile that never reaches my eyes while all the time that black cloud is hovering just over my head. There is usually some relief when I am in a crowd and my focus is on other people. However, the moment I am alone, it comes back full force.

Maybe I didn't really fool my friends. A friend texted me and wanted to know if I was ok. I wound up on the phone with her, bawling. Then there were people who basically told me they were coming over. It forced me up and forced me to clean up a little before they got here. I have experienced this crippling cloud before. There was a time just before my marriage ended, and another time after our separation. This time, I figured it was pretty much the fact that my job was shipped overseas. Intellectually I knew that everything is going to work out. But even with that knowing, came all the emotions that accompany job loss.

I'm lucky. Last Monday, for no apparent reason, something in me snapped. I woke up Tuesday morning early enough to read, pray, and get to work 10 minutes early -- it was the first time since I got back from South Africa. Tonight, a dear, sweet woman told me she had "missed my smile". Well, quite frankly, I did too. I'm back to normal, and normal feels good. I can go shopping, make plans, and be present for the people I love. My future is in God's hands, and I am content with whatever that brings.

As for you, if you are under the cloud, know that you are not alone. Don't hide what you are going through from the people who care about you. Just admitting that you are depressed is a huge step towards healing. Then, be patient with yourself. Know that there is help, there is hope, and there is healing. I choose not to seek professional help, knowing that what I was experiencing was temporary. Whatever your circumstances, there is no shame in admitting that you need help. If you remember nothing else, remember that it is walking through these kinds of issues that gives you the courage to help others.

Bitterness...

Ok, I'll admit it. Its the area I need to turn over to God. I'm working on it. Ephesians says:

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:31-32

I don't have a problem being tenderhearted. I am that way with my worst enemy. I can't stand to see anyone in pain. But it doesn't stop me from being bitter, hurt and angry when I feel betrayed. I know that God works all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose, so I know that God is working through people to hone me into the woman He wants me to be.

The problem is I have imaginary arguments with these people in my head. Sometimes I am cutting them down with cold hard logic, sometimes I am screaming angrily, berating them and killing them with words. In my head, the people who have "done me wrong" not only hurt me directly, but my lively imagination leads me to believe they are in collusion with others. In my imagination, they have conversations with others where I am the topic of derision. This is a lie of Satan, but it breeds bitterness, hurt and anger.

Some days are better than others. I see these people the way God sees them: as people who are also hurting. But some days the hurt and pain take over and its all I can do to get out of bed. I have a tremendous amount of pride, and I would never want someone to know just how badly I've been hurt by something they said or did. All I can say is God is working on me. I can only continuously turn this over to Him.

Last night in my lifegroup someone made the comment "You never know what is going on in someone's head. They can be all smiles and happiness on the outside, and inside they are a bundle of pain." My head snapped up and I thought, "Man, you just said a MOUTHFUL!"

So when someone does something to you, talks about you, slanders you, or is just plain rude and hurtful, remember my friend Josie's favorite saying: "Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle." Turn it over to God. Remember Ephesians 4:31-32. More than that, remember Jesus went through all of this too.