Random Thoughts on Faith

Un-China

2011-12-16T07:37:00.000-08:00

I am amazed at the number of people who have expressed happiness and relief about my decision to NOT go to China. I admit to being highly flattered that so many people wanted me to stay safely in the States. I was seriously planning on selling everything I owned in order to go. My car was priced out and I had a potential buyer already lined up.

If one knows where to look, one can find a lot of information about teaching in China. My sister pointed me to this website: http://middlekingdomlife.com/guide/teaching-english-china.htm. I found it was informative and very very scary. The number of scams that can be run on unsuspecting foreigners is endless, and there is little to no protection from these scams. This did not dissuade me from going, but it did give me some relevant questions to ask my potential employer. This site and Chinajobs both go into great detail on what a contract should contain and how it should look. Two days after I read this information, I received a contract via email. There were many lines in the contract crossed out, dashes through some words, and it was obviously marked up. The websites had said that the contract should NOT come via email, and that the school's SAFEA number should be in the upper right corner (it was not there). I replied back to the school requesting clarification on certain matters, and to this day I have not received a reply.

From the minute I posted "is going to China" on my facebook page, my phone started ringing with interview requests. Recruiters doing searches online were suddenly finding my resume. An email I had sent to a nonprofit group was finally answered and they wanted to interview me. Suddenly I was in demand. It felt good. Since I was serious about going to China, I was careful about what interview invitations I accepted. On December 7, I received a phone call that changed everything.

I was sick, and hadn't slept well the night before. Text messages from a certain unnamed friend started coming at 8am. I was finally falling back to sleep when the phone started vibrating. Annoyed, I picked it up to put it in sleep mode. "People leave me alone......Oh, it's Kelly calling me," I mumbled. I took the call. I'm glad I did.

Kelly and I had collaborated many times over the 7 years we worked at PwC. She had been my "go-to" person for all assistance I had needed while I worked on the help desk. She and I had a close working relationship built on mutual respect. She is the one who dubbed me "Super G" -- the coolest nickname I have ever had. She had a position open on her team, was I interested in interviewing for it? Um, sure! What else could I say? The description of the job fit my abilities very nicely, and it would be a wonderful opportunity to gain knowledge and grow. We finally set up the meeting for the 14th, and I was able to meet her team. They loved me, and the feeling was mutual. I was offered and accepted the position that evening. We are still working out the finer details, but I will likely start around January 9th.

Let me be clear in stating that if my questions had been answered in a timely and satisfactory manner that I would likely still be going to China. There is nothing I would not give up to serve God. My Christian friends tell me they believe that God was testing me as He had once tested Abraham in requesting that he sacrifice his son Isaac. That seems to be a convenient way of explaining away why I thought I was being sent to China, and why I am now being blessed with this amazing opportunity here in the USA. What I do know is that God loves me, and He will never let go of me. Even if accepting this job is a mistake, He will work it out for my good. Even if I was supposed to go to China and messed that up somehow, He will work it out for my good. When I was a little girl, I used to listen to this one song over and over:

*The life that I have given you
no one can take away
I've sealed it with my Spirit, Blood and Word.
The everlasting Father has made His covenant with you
and He's stronger than the world you've seen and heard.

So don't you fear to show them
all the love I have for you
I'll be with you everywhere
in everything you do.
And even if you do it wrong
and miss the joy I'd planned
I'll never, never let go of your hand.

God holds me. He will never let go of me. He works all things together for my good.

*Don Francisco: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g5MfufXAMEc

China

2011-12-01T07:55:00.000-08:00

Last year my job was outsourced to India. As my last day with the Firm approached, many people were very concerned that I had not found another position. I had decided to go back to school instead. With only nine classes to complete my BA, and a government grant to cover 100% of the expense of school (parking, books, tuition) I took a leap of faith. Going back to school was a worthy goal, people conceded, but what about AFTER?? What will you do then?? I became a little flippant and a little serious. "I'm not sure," I said, "but I think I'll go teach English as a second language in a foreign country. Or maybe go work for a non-profit. Either way, I'll be ok."

I graduated USF with a BA in English in August. I immediately started applying for Technical writing positions, and as I received no response, expanded to other jobs: administrative, technical, and training positions. In October, I went to a job fair at USF. I had carefully researched the companies, decided who I wanted to target, and what positions I wanted to target. The recruiters for these companies were fairly alike in their response: they handed me a business card, and told me to go on the website and apply for the position I was interested in obtaining. Before long, I had a sour taste in my mouth and my feet were killing me. I went to one last employer in the far corner of the room, and next to this employer was The Yingbo Language School of Training.

Grace, the recruiter from the school was very sweet. Very casually, and sort of off-handedly, I pulled out my resume and handed it to her. I walked away from the fair, jaded and disillusioned, and forgot about Yingbo. I started attending the Job-seekers ministry at church, and learned that job hunting is a weirdly different ball game than it was eight years ago. Then, I simply walked into a temp agency, signed up, and started taking temp to perm positions. Not so in these modern times...

I forgot about Yingbo until they emailed me a couple of weeks after the fair asking for an interview. Again, I was fairly off-handed about it, and picked November 11 off the menu of dates being offered. Around November 2, I received another email: USF was closed for the holiday on 11/11, and would I like to meet on 11/4 instead? I agreed thinking that it would at least be worth the experience of an interview.

On November 4 I was not feeling great, and almost did not go to the interview. As usual, I dressed up in my best suit, and felt extremely overdressed as I saw other candidates leaving dressed for class: ripped jeans and t-shirts. Grace and Tu interviewed me, and while Grace was beautifully dressed in business casual, Tu was dressed like the students. I felt kind of stupid. We talked for about 20 minutes about why I wanted to go to China ("learn more about the culture") how long I would be willing to go ("spring term - to start"). Tu looked at me kind of oddly at one point and burst out "are you free to go to China?? I mean, are you married?" I was a little shocked, and told her no I was not married. She said "Oh, I saw your ring and thought you were married!" I glanced at my left hand and realized that the purity ring I was wearing on my middle finger had given her a false impression. I smiled. "No, I'm free to go," I assured her. I left the interview feeling stupid. They hadn't really asked me many questions about my qualifications as a teacher. It was a strange interview.

Weirdly enough, I treated going to China as a joke. I was never serious about it, to be honest. I posted something about it on Facebook. It was the ONLY job interview I had since graduating. In spite of not being serious about going to China, I had been having vivid dreams for weeks about going to a foreign country. I was still surprised when a week and a half after the interview, Yingbo accepted me into their program. I was even more surprised when my family enthusiastically supported the idea of me flying half-way around the world to take a position as a teacher.

I still wasn't taking it seriously. I demanded to speak with someone who had taught for them. During a skype video conference, I questioned the legitimacy of the program and everything I could think of based on the myriad of warnings I had seen on different sites related to teaching in China. He reassured me on all counts, and I began to seriously consider going.

Communication with Yingbo has been primarily through email. It was a long, tortuous process. Having worked in "Corporate America" for so long, I was used to immediate responses. Emails from China would take days or even weeks to answer. I finally received all the answers to my questions, and agreed to have them send me the contract. That is where I am at right now. Here are the logistics of what I know so far:

Airfare is reimbursed at the end of the contract. If you stay one term, it is 40% reimbursement, two terms is 70% and a year (3 terms) is 100%. They have been burned in the past by teachers coming and leaving mid-way through the term, so they reimburse airfare at the end of the contract. The year is February 8, 2012 through January 31, 2013.
Housing and food is provided, and they arrange for the appropriate work and housing visas the Chinese government requires for foreigners.
A small stipend is also paid on top of the food and housing already provided
The position is with Yueqing middle school in Wen zhou, in Zhejiang Province.
Yue qing secondary school was founded in 1939, the school has a first-class faculty and teaching resources, In recent years, the school entrance examination scores ranked at forefront in Wenzhou
Opportunities to travel during school breaks will be provided

Yes, I am very excited. No, I do not have a plan beyond January 31, 2013. What I do know is that if I don't take this opportunity, I will be missing out on something God has for me. While the government frowns on religion, recent years have seen a loosing in regulations, and a growth in home churches. I already have contacts in Wenzhou who can help me tap into these sources. Obviously, I will be very cautious about talking about that side of my experience until I know exactly what way that wind blows, so to speak. God is up to something, and I can't wait!

True Joy

2011-02-21T09:29:00.000-08:00

I met my friend George when he was teaching a course on the Bible at our church. He is currently battling cancer, and words cannot express how much he and his wife are missed at church, daily. He sends out these emails, and they absolutely put life in perspective -- God's perspective. I am publishing this email with his permission. Thanks, George, you and your wife are in my daily prayers!

Are we having Fun Yet?

On the surface, happiness and joy are similar; they are both uplifting and blissful experiences. Yet there are more differences than similarities. Happiness is a self-focused emotion tied directly to getting what we want. I am happy when I hear that I am about to be served a favorite food dish.

Joy is a spiritual result of our focus on God.
It is tied to our salvation and our walk with Christ. Happiness is temporary at best; it is subjective to our circumstances and moods. Joy is eternally-based and can be ours even in our deepest valleys (and trust me on this, with Joy… there are some incredible green grasses in those deep valleys). Happiness quickly leaves us when we fail to attain our goals or we become bored with our prizes. Joy is from God and therefore can never be stolen from us.

The trick here is to not let your Joy get blocked as you are seeking happiness.

How do you know you experience Joy? When even in a dark circumstance, a bad time or something that is totally contrary to “happiness” you still have a feeling of goodness and well being. That is because you recognize that ultimately our Joy rests within our relationship with God. Joy for me comes in that moment when life seem pretty dark and it is giving you one of its regular butt “whooping’s” and all of a sudden I will feel an almost giddy feeling, a closeness with God.

Joy is given through the Holy Spirit the moment we accept Christ as our Savior. As Christians, our joy can never be completely destroyed, although there are many pitfalls which can significantly diminish it or block our perception of it. Joy is a permanent gift from God, but it also a gift for which we must take responsibility for nurturing and protecting on a daily basis.

We can always find joy in our salvation, because our salvation is assured. Paul told the Philippians, "In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" (Philippians 1:4-6). The God who gave us salvation never begins anything that He will not complete. When He saved us, He saved us completely, eternally and forever. Jesus said, "I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand" (John 10:28).

You may have heard the acronym for “J-O-Y” representing how to gain joy through our priorities: Jesus, Others, then Yourself. But consider this twist on it I recently read: J stands for Jesus, Y stands for You, but O stands for Zero. When absolutely nothing comes between Jesus and You, you will find joy. At the center of our joy is our relationship with God; anything that stands between us and our Savior will corrode our joy.

One of the greatest threats to our joy is disobedience to God's Word. When we live in disobedience, we become a fruitless and joyless Christian. Jesus warned against fruitlessness: "No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing" (John 15:4, 5).

We also face pitfalls to joy through people and circumstances in our lives. (Hmmm, I wonder what that could mean?) We may encounter malicious people who resent our beliefs. We may lose our jobs, our best friends, or our homes or our life. Happiness may be out of reach—but joy is readily available if we know how to nurture it.

Paul was no stranger to experiencing hardships. He endured harsh criticism, prison, and near-death situations. He was not always happy, but he had found the secret to maintaining his joy. He remained focused on Christ instead of his circumstances. Rather than resenting his obstacles, Paul was able to say, "But what does it matter? The important thing is that…Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice. Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that…what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance" (Philippians 1:18, 19).

Joy does not mean that we will not experience pain or sadness or frustration when everything seems to go wrong. But unlike happiness, we can find joy in the midst of our suffering. When Christ is at the center of our lives, when His glory is our goal, when we refuse to be intimidated by life's obstacles, and when we live totally for Christ in obedience, we will find a joy that will carry us through the darkest of valleys.

Have you covered up your joy with the anxieties and distractions of this world? You’d be surprised how easy it is to fall into that pitfall. Have you taken you eyes off of God and your relationship with Him? Are you ignoring the convictions of the Holy Spirit to repent of certain sins in your life? If so, seek God's forgiveness today. Pray for the Holy Spirit's help to overcome the obstacles to living a joyful life.

"For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit." Romans 14:17

In Christ,

George

So much for new years resolutions...

2011-01-30T20:29:00.000-08:00

I MOVED!! :)

Click HERE to follow me to my new site.

Happy New Year it's time for a change...seriously

2011-01-04T16:22:00.000-08:00

This year is all about change...

My PwC life has finally come to a close. It was really really really dramatic. At 8:15am on 12/20/2010 I walked into a conference room, handed over my laptop, badge and a security device, signed some papers and walked out. In about 3.5 minutes, my 7.5 year stint was over.

Monday, January 10th, I start a six month self-improvement program. My goal is to be finished school (BA in English), debt free, and physically fit. These are all goals I set 2.5 years ago, and I'm so excited to be thisclose to being finished!!

I've spent the free time purging old stuff, and reorganizing the stuff I'm keeping. I'm so excited! For the first time in a very LONG time, I've got a place for everything, and everything is in its place. I love the way my place is decorated and organized -- which is good because I'll be spending a lot of time here in the next few months.

My other goal is to blog at least twice a week, consistently. More than anything, I desire to encourage others and affirm my own faith. It occurred to me that I rarely center my writing on scripture, so that is going to change also.

Something Special

2010-12-16T05:38:00.000-08:00

Today is my sister's birthday. While she can be irritatingly opinionated sometimes, she is kind-hearted, loving and giving. She is one of the hardest working out of all the people I know, but she will always make time to listen. Throughout my childhood, and into my adult years she has been like a second mother to me. She is my confidant, my sister and my friend.

Here's to you, Jen. Happy Birthday. I hope it brings you everything good that you deserve.

Love,
Me

The Facebook Stinks: The LONG AWAITED Conclusion....

2010-12-06T18:11:00.000-08:00

The strangest thing happened to me today. I logged into a long unused email account and saw a Facebook invite from a friend to join a group. I clicked the link, and suddenly, without warning, I was in my OLD FACEBOOK ACCOUNT!! If you don't know the story, click here.

I clicked on the deactivate button, only to find that my friends could still invite me to things...seeing how I had over 200 friends, 300 unread emails, and countless app invites, I took the time to delete those, along with the game requests. I then changed my privacy settings and deactivated the account. Mission accomplished. 18 months later. It was epic (but only to me).

Goodbye to the old Gillian. One by one, the ties are being severed. It's strange how much lighter I feel.

Yeah, I missed me too...

2010-11-29T17:57:00.000-08:00

Depression absolutely stinks. I hate it. I hate the way I don't make the bed, the way I curl up on the sofa and lose myself in mindless tv programming. The commercial for depression pretty much sums it up. Watching that over and over drove me deeper into the abyss. When I am in depression, I hate the way I don't make an effort to call my friends, or reach out to people in my family. I hate the way I let simple household chores like laundry and dishes pile up, the way I can't get out of bed until the last minute, skating into work just before it was time to sign into my phone. I can fake a good mood during depression. Mask the bad with a fake smile that never reaches my eyes while all the time that black cloud is hovering just over my head. There is usually some relief when I am in a crowd and my focus is on other people. However, the moment I am alone, it comes back full force.

Maybe I didn't really fool my friends. A friend texted me and wanted to know if I was ok. I wound up on the phone with her, bawling. Then there were people who basically told me they were coming over. It forced me up and forced me to clean up a little before they got here. I have experienced this crippling cloud before. There was a time just before my marriage ended, and another time after our separation. This time, I figured it was pretty much the fact that my job was shipped overseas. Intellectually I knew that everything is going to work out. But even with that knowing, came all the emotions that accompany job loss.

I'm lucky. Last Monday, for no apparent reason, something in me snapped. I woke up Tuesday morning early enough to read, pray, and get to work 10 minutes early -- it was the first time since I got back from South Africa. Tonight, a dear, sweet woman told me she had "missed my smile". Well, quite frankly, I did too. I'm back to normal, and normal feels good. I can go shopping, make plans, and be present for the people I love. My future is in God's hands, and I am content with whatever that brings.

As for you, if you are under the cloud, know that you are not alone. Don't hide what you are going through from the people who care about you. Just admitting that you are depressed is a huge step towards healing. Then, be patient with yourself. Know that there is help, there is hope, and there is healing. I choose not to seek professional help, knowing that what I was experiencing was temporary. Whatever your circumstances, there is no shame in admitting that you need help. If you remember nothing else, remember that it is walking through these kinds of issues that gives you the courage to help others.

Wordless Wednesday....

2010-11-17T18:09:00.000-08:00

'Cause I'm too tired to write....

This blog has no title

2010-11-13T06:54:00.000-08:00

So people keep telling me how much they enjoy reading my South Africa blogs and noticed I haven't posted anything lately. The truth is, the longer I am back from Africa, the harder it is to write about it. The emotions swirling through me have somewhat settled and I am focused on wrapping up my current job before moving onto bigger and better things. Wrapping up the job has been stressful. It is among the top five most stressful situations a human can go through, along with death of a loved one, divorce, buying a house, and moving. I didn't want this blog to become G's random thoughts on depression, so I refrained from writing anything.

This morning I woke up with something on my mind. One of the reasons it has become difficult to write about Africa is because the stories I want to tell the most feel so personal. How do you write about a teenage boy who speaks English so clearly, is a top academic achiever in his school, but is struggling with the dreaded virus? He misses a lot of school because of hospital stays. Truth be told, if it were up to me, I go pick him up and fly him here to the U.S. to one of the top hospitals. "Surely," I think to myself, "we have the world's best medicine here." And then a stab goes through me, because I realize that as much as I love Africa, I don't trust that they have decent hospitals with enough trained physicians. Then I feel bad because I don't want my friends in SA to think I am criticizing their beloved home. So I take the only action I can take when I hear my little teenage friend is back in hospital: I fall on my face and cry out to God for mercy. I continue crying out until I know he is through the worst and is back home again. How do I express the light that seems to surround him? The lessons he taught me in just a few short days? This child has nothing but forgiveness for an alcoholic father who was drinking away his stipend. He has no proper birth record, so he chooses his age and his birthday. He does this with joy -- not bitterness or anger. God has huge purposes for this child, and I have to trust that God can keep him alive to fulfill those purposes.

Then there is "Band-aid". This slight little girl is about eight years old. We were playing games with her and the other children when Jeanette (our nurse) noticed she was hurt. Jeanette pulled a splinter out of the little girl's hand, put antibiotic on it, and wrapped a band-aid around it. Band-aid was soooo grateful! She threw her arms around Jeanette's neck and kept saying "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!" She was full of bubbly joy. Effervescent. When we saw her a few days later, we barely recognized her. She had strapped her baby sister to her back and carried her to the drop in center. She fed the child off her own plate, unselfishly giving up her own meal. The responsibility of caring for her helpless one and a half year old sister weighed on her heavily, and the bubbly child we had met a few days before was buried.

There are hundreds of these stories -- sad stories that turn to stories of hope brought to a hopeless generation, and stories of success. There is the very enterprising young man who took what Swa Vana taught him and started a home decorating business in the bush. Yes, folks, he uses his sewing machine to make curtains and sells them. His sewing machine was broken beyond repair when we were there, but he was pressing forward with the business.

Across the street from one of the drop-in centers was a man who played very very LOUD music. He harbored bitterness and resentment, and would crank up the volume whenever the children were gathered in the center. Instead of going over and asking him to lower the music, he was invited over for a meal. He was very sick, very fragile, and had to be carried. While in the center, he heard the Gospel message and accepted Christ as his personal Savior. He then began blasting Christian music. Two weeks after his conversion, he died; however, we know he is in a better place, and he died in peace and joy instead of bitterness and anger.

Back in the States, it is easy to tune out what one does not want to face. It is easy to get caught up in the minutia of daily life and forget the suffering one has witnessed. God has a way, however, of bringing these forcefully to the front of one's mind again. Last week I logged onto www.philly.com and read an article about a section of Philadelphia where people are far below the poverty line with no jobs, no job prospects and no way of putting food on the table for their children. They are mostly ignorant of the types of assistance available to them from the government. Largely African-American, they do not trust white people. It sounds sort of familiar. If I really want to be like Mama Charmaine when I grow up, I will find a way of helping them. Now I am praying for vision and purpose for my future. As much as I want to go back to Africa, doesn't charity begin at home?

Huntington Hospice Care

2010-10-31T09:22:00.000-07:00

I'm standing at my sink getting ready to do dishes. I turn on the hot water tap and within 30 seconds the hot water is scalding my hands. I jump, yell, and turn on the cold water full blast. I get the temperature regulated and tackle the dishes. I am not happy. I have hot running water. Too hot. And I'm complaining about it. Dang. I need to go back to Africa. I need to remember what it was like to do dishes in unheated water. But when I was there, I wasn't doing dishes alone. I wasn't eating alone. It was a community effort. I miss the community.

"It doesn't pay," says Gladys, "but it's important work...It's my people…It's my community!" We are walking dirt roads visiting bed-ridden patients in Huntington. Hospice work is one of the services coordinated by Swa Vana. Sixteen hospice workers spread out over the village every day to take care of people too sick or weak to care for themselves.

We enter the first house. Its small and the thin mattress in the middle of the floor dominates the room. Gladys moves around opening the two windows, sweeping the floor, and piling up the scant laundry. The patient sits up. She is one of the lucky ones I'm told. She can scoot around on her hands, so she can move herself out to the doorstep for fresh air. I look around at the bare cinderblock walls, the small wooden bench along the back wall with a few belongings stacked on it.

Gladys talks to her patient, learning that she did eat that morning. She is gentle and kind, tying a fresh hankerchief around her head. It’s a chilly day, grey and overcast. None of the patients we visit want baths that day. It's too cold. We visited three patients total. Watching the hospice workers in action was amazing. Their empathy for their patients is real. Their commitment to their community is evident. They do not earn money doing this work. Swa Vana does not have funding in place to pay them. They are paid in food parcels.

Swa Vana was asked by the village elders to take on this project over a year ago. They have had some donations, but not nearly enough to meet the needs in the village. When we were there in September, they only had enough knappies (adult diapers) to last the month. We took some supplies over, and it was nice to know that instead of two thermometers for 16 workers, they now have one apiece. It's not nearly enough. Not that any of these people complain. They are so very grateful for everything that they do have. It is me, the missionary, looking at the situation with fresh, wide-eyed culture shock, who wants to wave the magic money wand and make it all better. It's a sobering reality: I can't just fix it. I can help alleviate the need by collecting and delivering supplies. I can care enough to pray. I show that I care by going back whenever I can, and doing whatever I can to help.

Huntington is where Swa Vana started six years ago, after bringing in supplies and establishing relationships in the village. As a result, the tribal leaders offered Swa Vana the Huntington village community center to establish a place where children in dire circumstances could be fed. The bats in the roof were evicted, the buildings were cleaned up and kitted out with kitchen supplies. There are hundreds of stories of ways that Swa Vana has effected change in this area -- stories of initial resistance, which turned into cooperation. Stories of salvation that occurred simply because Jesus showed up in the form of a white woman and her family and fed the hungry -- with no expectations of anything in return. Five years later, the tribal leaders again ask Charmaine to take on a project: Hospice care. Again, Swa Vana steps up, doing what they can do with limited resources.

A new Swa Vana bulding is going up in Huntington. The land was donated, the bricks are made, and the bulding can move forward as soon as the municipality provides the grader needed to level the ground. We walk over to the property and Charmaine describes what it will look like. She points out where the kitchen will be, how the building will be set up. She wants to build hospice rooms for the terminally ill patients, and establish a computer training center for the villagers. This is an ambitious vision. The effort truly does take a community. I see this project growing as more and more of the community gets on board. I see change coming, slowly but surely. Children who have grown up being fed by Swa Vana are graduating school and either obtaining work or establishing their own enterprises. I see a people working together to overcome some pretty overwhelming odds. I want to be a part of it. How 'bout you?

Gladys and I. She has healing hands.

Wordless Wednesday....

2010-10-27T17:15:00.000-07:00

Because I'm too (lazy) busy with laundry to write

Swa Vana

2010-10-22T11:44:00.000-07:00

Have you ever stumbled on something accidently and just known that it was something worth investing your time, energy, and resources? Six years ago one family heard about a need, started a church project to deliver Christmas packages to a truly desolate family, and wound up starting a community program to bring support to a poverty stricken region. Swa Vana is not your normal charity. It is a program that provides compassionate care for orphaned children as well as the sick, disabled, and elderly.

If you ask Mama Charmaine how many children she has, she will quip "I have 413 mouths to feed!" Most people do a double take at that, but that is Charmaine's sense of humor. Children and adults light up when she is around. She just has that affect on people. Charmaine is passionate about this project, its short and long-term goals, and the people it serves. She steps in where angels fear to tread, and is not afraid to call out injustice, greed and manipulation. (I want to be just like her when I grow up.) When she walks or drives along the village roads, people wave and call out to Mama Charmaine. The term "Mama" is a sign of respect, and everyone calls her by that name.

Swa Vana, a project started by Charmaine and her family, has "drop in centers" in four tribal villages: Huntington, Lilydale, Justicia, and Mabarhule Bushbuckridge. They are called drop in centers because they are exactly that: the children "drop in" before and after school for daily meals, sports, arts and crafts, etc. This is a safe, supervised environment both before and after school -- something the majority of these children do not experience in their own homes.

Children in the Swa Vana program are fed twice a day. Each drop in center has four caregivers. The caregivers feed the children, supervise them, help them with homework and teach them crafts. It is interesting to watch (and participate) in meal preparation. Having eaten it, I can tell you the food is pretty awesome. It is like a finely tuned machine at work. Remember, this is not your stainless-steel, state of the art, no-holds-barred kitchen. The stove defies description, but it does have four burners. The knives are constantly going dull and wearing out from use. There are none of the fancy gadgets American infomercials like to convince us we can't live without.

All food prep and service begins and ends with washing dishes. Everything being used for cooking and serving is washed in a large basin of soapy water, transferred to a second basin of clean water, then transferred to a third container for drying. In Justicia, this is done outside. Once the dishes are cleaned and returned to the kitchen, the water is dumped (in the vegetable garden) and the container is rinsed, clean water is added, which is then used to clean vegetables.

The caregivers gather around a large table to cut and chop vegetables. (I had to go to South Africa to learn how to cut cabbage…) Once the vegetables are cleaned and chopped, they are placed in the most enormous pots I have ever laid eyes on. It has to be stirred fairly constantly so that it cooks evenly and does not burn. I'm sure they talk a lot more to each other when company isn't around, but from our point of view it was all very seamless and very coordinated without much conversation.

When the food is cooked, and the children are back from school, they line up and the food is dished out. A lot of the children do not have forks or spoons, so they eat with their hands. (Yes, they DO wash with soap and water first.) This is the main meal for these kids, so they have a very balanced plate: Meat, starch, and vegetable. Meat varies, and the starch rotates between pap (pronounced "pop") and rice. While we were there, the vegetables were different combinations of beets, beans, cabbage, carrots, pumpkin, onions, and tomato. When finished eating, the kids line up and wash the dishes. It is the same setup: one basin of soapy water, one of clean, one for drying. They all pitch in and cooperate, and not one word of complaint is ever uttered. They are grateful for everything they have.

Food is followed by games and homework. One of their favourite games is called "Follow the Leader". They stand in a huge circle, with one child in the middle acting as the "leader". The chant starts: "Follow, Follow, Follow the leader!" The leader then says (and does) an action. The children then do exactly the same thing. This is generally repeated twice, before the leader picks a replacement from the circle.

Swa Vana is a refuge -- a respite from a harsh reality where children are forced to make adult decisions at too young an age. This is a place where children get to be just children for a little while, a place where adults care about them, about their school reports, and about their emotional well-being. This is home away from home.

For more information, visit their website at: www.swavana.co.za

Up Next: Huntington Hospice and Swa Vana's long term goals

Wordless Wednesday....

2010-10-20T15:25:00.001-07:00

South African Sunset

You are not in control...

2010-10-16T09:12:00.000-07:00

Missions Trips are an interesting lesson on giving up control. From the time we met at church before leaving for the airport, to the time I was dropped off at my apartment after returning to the United States, I had very little control over what was happening. My life was not my own, it belonged to the greater purpose for which we were traveling. Departure from the States went like this: we met at the church at 12:30pm Sunday afternoon. There was luggage to load, and the last minute repacking and shifting of suitcases, prayer for our safety and then we were off. There were six of us: Lou and Marilyn (our leaders), Robert, Jeanette, Ida and myself.

Each of us were allowed two checked suitcases (not to exceed 50 lbs) and two carry-on items. Each of us gave up the first suitcase to the team for packing supplies. I packed as little as possible into my second case so there would be room for any leftover supplies. When we were repacking the luggage, I ended up shifting my personal stuff into a huge duffel already full of supplies, which then became my second "checked luggage". Once we got to the airport, we weighed everything again, and there was some more shifting and repacking that took place to make sure each case (12 total) did not exceed the weight limit. There was a canvas store bag full of crayons leftover at the end. It was just too heavy for the checked luggage. Since I had only one carryon item, I volunteered to make that my second. I couldn't stand the thought of leaving any of the supplies behind.

We flew to Atlanta, and switched planes to catch a direct flight from there to Johannesburg. It was in Atlanta that my passport received its first stamp. It was epic (but only for me). The flight to Jo-burg was rather turbulent since we flew over two hurricanes. Dinner, breakfast, and lunch were included on the plane (average airplane food), my only sticking point being that I don't normally eat breakfast at 3am. I had trouble sleeping, and towards the end of the flight I told Robert that I wished I had one of those u shaped pillows they sell in the airport -- something to lean my head against. He reached up and showed me how to bend my headrest out. No kidding, y'all: The headrests bend out, creating a U with your head in the middle. Information I could have used ten hours earlier…just sayin….

We were met in Jo-burg by Marianne, Charmaine, and Wally. Marianne was our in-country missionary. She is hard to describe, except to say that she is a wonderful encourager, endlessly patient, and the kindest person I have ever met. Charmaine (aka "Mama C") is the Chairperson of Swa Vana, the charity we were going out there to support. Wally was our bus driver.

From the time we arrived in South Africa, until the time we left, Marianne was there to direct money exchanges, order breakfast and dinner, buy groceries, and be our tour guide. It was Marianne who gathered us at dinner that first night and advised us to eat yogurt. As someone who has traveled to many countries, she always eats the local yogurt when she gets there, and never has a problem with digestion. Now, I hate yogurt, but I followed her advice -- and no, I never did have even one issue with digestion the entire time I was in South Africa. (On an aside note -- I found that I don't like artificially sweetened fat-free yogurt…the regular stuff is nice.)

Now, the food in South Africa was wonderful. Everything is very fresh, and I don't believe that GMOs have made it over to Africa yet, so the meat actually tasted different, but in a good way. I will say though, that by the time we left I was longing for a burger that tasted like a burger. Their burgers and beef-based sausages are really delicious, but they don't taste anything like what I (as an American) was anticipating. Breakfast and dinner were provided everyday at the bed and breakfast where we were staying. Breakfast was a buffet which usually included eggs (either scrambled or sunny side up -- it rotated) sausage or bacon, toast, fruit, and cereal. I was introduced to pap, which is sort of like grits, but thicker with no flavor. Pap and rice are the staple grains of the children's diet out in the villages we visited. Pap is never served alone, it is always comes with a sauce of some type to spice it up. Dinner was always balanced with a meat, starch, vegetables, and a salad. Ida was our vegetarian, so she always had a separately prepared dish (which all of us would at least taste). I'm giving serious consideration to claiming vegetarianism on the next trip out. (JUST KIDDING…sorta…That food was really awesome). The first three days we ate lunch in the villages, but after that we packed fruit and yogurt to eat while we were out doing ministry.

A typical day's agenda went something like this:

7am: Breakfast
8am: devotions
8:30: Into the van and out to the villages.
4:00pm: Leave the villages :( and head back to the B&B
5-7pm: Shower and unwind
7pm: Dinner, followed by a group meeting where we reflected on our day, and set the next day's agenda.

Here's a high-level overview on the trip's schedule:

Sunday - Tuesday: Travel from the US to South Africa, visit the Apartheid Museum, and drive out to Hazyview.
Wednesday: Orientation. Visit each village and meet the caregivers.
Thursday - Saturday: Children's ministry.
Sunday: Church
Monday - Wednesday: Minister to the caregivers and teens.
Thursday: Drive through Kruger, move to Hippo Pools Lodge.
Friday: Moholoholo Wildlife Sanctuary
Saturday: Scenic route back to Jo-burg
Sunday: Church, visit the Baby Moses orphanage, lunch with our SA Family, and off to the airport.

While South Africa is one of the safer African countries, there are still certain precautions to take. The two inflexible rules were: don't go anywhere without clearing it with the trip leaders, and don't go alone. This was especially true when using ATM machines. Evidently a very helpful native who is teaching you how to use the ATM is actually taking your information, which he will then use to drain your bank account. Also, it was a little disconcerting the first time we stopped at the Spar for groceries to see an armored vehicle delivering cash to the bank guarded by men with machine guns. These people don't play. There is a boundary of orange cones set around the vehicle, clearing a path to the bank. Don't cross the cones. They are trained to shoot first and ask questions later. And no, I didn't risk taking pictures of them.

The weirdest thing about being back in the States was being back on my own agenda. I woke up Tuesday morning and couldn't figure out what to eat since someone was not presenting me with a breakfast buffet. I had a hard time accomplishing anything that day, since I had spent two weeks in a very structured environment. Do not think for one moment I am complaining. Being in South Africa was a privilege and I enjoyed every moment -- even the moments when I was in complete culture shock. I loved the team I was with, and I discovered family over there ( I already miss them like crazy). I'm just back to my original point: If you are an inflexible control freak, missions work might not be for you. Of course, God has a terrific sense of humor, and He just might send you on one to teach you a lesson.

Up next: Swa Vana

Introduction to South Africa

2010-10-14T14:20:00.000-07:00

WARNING: This is NOT a warm, fuzzy post. Hang with me folks, I have a LOT to share over the next few weeks, but this files under "background".

Do you know all that "stuff" you think you need? You know, the iPod, the new laptop, the latest TV...Well, think again. You really don't "need" any of it. Let me tell you a little bit about "need". I just visited an area of Africa where people live in one room cinder block "houses" the size of my bedroom. Most homes have electricity, but none have running water. There is barely room for a bed, let alone a refrigerator, stove, or any other comforts that we take for granted. Cooking is mostly done outside over an open fire, and bathrooms are non-existent. The more affluent people have the means to dig their own latrines, otherwise the only choice is the community "longdrop". No, these people did not make "poor choices" and end up this way as a result. Let's backtrack just a little.

In 1948 a government was elected in South Africa whose sole platform was Apartheid, which they promptly enacted. This enactment systematically separated three groups of people by skin color: White, colored, and black. Laws were passed implementing curfews, and if you were perceived as "bothering" a white person by merely walking with them, you could be arrested and thrown in jail. Black (tribal) Africans were "relocated" from prime grazing and farming land and forced into the bush. This is a mountainous area with little rainfall. Today, water is piped into the bush through community wells, which are controlled by the government. Apartheid is long over, and blacks are free to move about as they please, but they have little income, little education, and little means of achieving those moves. Those that do make it out of the rural villages often never look back. Meantime, those that remain would love to grow their own food to sell or feed their community, but that is tremendously hindered by the fact that their water is tightly controlled for "conservation" purposes. On any given day, when they visit the well, the water might not be flowing. Are you getting the picture?

yes this is a community well.

Only the very lucky have cars in the villages. Those who do, travel over extremely rough, rutted, poorly maintained dirt roads to get to the more affluent areas. The cars driving in and out kick up a tremendous amount of dust as they bounce up and down the primitive roads. There is a bus. I think it runs once a day, and if you want to get into the nearest city, you have to walk miles to the main road to catch it. There are also taxis that cruise up and down the main roads picking up as many people as they possibly can. It’s a great way to earn a living. Of course, if you can't afford the taxi or the bus, you are stuck walking. There just aren't many jobs out in the villages.

Add to all of this the issue of HIV/Aids. This is an extremely taboo subject. There is still a lot of superstition around the disease, and there are many people (understandably) distrustful of white men and their medicine. At one point rape was at an all time high (estimated 100%) because there was a belief circulating that if you had sex with a virgin, you would be cured. Those who have it guard their secret closely for fear of ostracism. Untreated HIV is leaving thousands of children without parents in a area where most of us could not survive. Look around your bedroom. Could YOU live in it with 12 other people? The lucky children might have a grandmother or an aunt to supervise them. The unlucky ones are scratching out an existence in child-led homes. With such hopeless conditions come hopeless addictions. There is no lack of bars in the communities. Children lucky enough to receive government stipends or food packages still may not have enough to eat if the stipends are used to fund their caregiver's needs or addictions.

At one point, orphanages began springing up all over South Africa to take care of these children. The government put a stop to it, decreeing that the communities must care for their own orphans. With very little resources available, the community does the best it can, but falls very short. Add to that a corrupt local government who literally steals food from the mouths of orphans. A shipment of 12 food packages will most likely be reduced to two as the food makes its way through the different levels of government on its way to be delivered to the children who need it.

Do you still think that you need that "stuff"?

Religion has taken root in a big way out in the bush. Of course, there are many different churches, with every one competing for the attention of the individuals. Several different denominations of Christianity exist (including Jehovah's Witness), along with Islam, traditional ancestral worship (witchcraft) and Zionists (a combination of Christianity and ancestral worship). Christianity has been undermined by several different philosophies that insist the people do as the government tells them and not fight back. One of the most fascinating exhibits in the Apartheid Museum goes into a great deal of detail about this issue. I'll sum it up this way: twisted Christianity is a tool used by whites to keep blacks under subjection.

There are beacons of hope. Over the next few weeks I will be focusing on the myriad of awesome stuff that happened on the trip, the wonderful people I met, and the many beautiful and gut-wrenching stories from South Africa. This trip was very intense, which makes it hard to write about. But it was completely worth it. And yes, I DO want to go back next year.

it's coming....and some random stuff

2010-09-14T17:16:00.000-07:00

it's coming...
I leave for South Africa in 5 days. I can't wait, but I guess I must. Life has been interesting to say the least, and it's going to get more so when I come home.

and other stuff....

So recently on Facebook one of my coworkers said he wanted scientific proof that God exists. I suggested he watch The Privileged Planet. So do you have any favorite comebacks for the skeptics?
I'm watching tv tonight and I'm wondering what is the point of a sandwich called the "double down" and if the king of fast food is trying to single-handedly kill Americans with fat. Thoughts? Has anyone tried it?
Finally...do you have a favorite scripture? If so, what is it?

Options

2010-09-04T04:59:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I posted last. I've been really busy. Sometimes. The other times my keister has been parked in front of the TV, losing myself in an alternate reality. There was a whole week where I never cracked my Bible or journal. For me, turning on the television and losing myself in the shows is a way of checking out and avoiding reality. It's a way of avoiding truth I don't want to face. When I wasn't in front of the TV, I had a book in my hands. Not the Bible, not the book we're covering in Bible study, nothing God centered.

God is so amazing. no matter how I treat Him, He is always there, always loving me unconditionally. He was trying to pull me towards Him, and I was resisting. So He disciplined me. He still is. Quite frankly I'm struggling with the form this on-going discipline is taking. I didn't mind so much when I pulled out my back. I did it because I was ignoring my father's request to stop everything and sit and talk to Him. Instead I was stubbornly trying to accomplish something I wanted DONE. Lesson learned. Sort of. I've still been putting reading the Word on the back burner. I can't fall asleep at night, which means I can't wake up in the morning. I barely make it out the door and to work on time, let alone stop in the morning and spend time with the One who has the power to get me through these difficult days. Evenings have been difficult times to concentrate. The other form of discipline will remain between me and God. Let's just say it's been painful and very ugly. I am being forced to face faults I've completely ignored in the past.

This is by no means a "woe is me" rant. Turn off the sympathetic, problem-solving part of your brain here. Ready? OK. For the first time in YEARS I am feeling aimless. For the first time in years, I have to imagine a future that looks different from what I had planned. When I started this job 6.5 years ago, I thought I was going to have a wonderful technology career. That I would do all sorts of interesting things. Then my goals changed as I recognized what I didn't want to do, and I imagined a different future. I am fairly articulate, and I have a knack for breaking down what is difficult and explaining it so others can understand clearly. Therefore, I began gravitating towards a career in technical writing.

After hitting a wall over and over at my company, I decided to finish my Bachelor's degree. I was tired of hearing the excuse that I didn't have a degree, so I couldn't have such and such a writing job. In my opinion, I was good enough, and I should have been given the opportunity. Ironically, even though I have never held the official title of "writer", it became a huge part of my job two years ago. When I look back at what I used to write, I see huge improvement over the last 3 years. School has matured me in a way I did not know I needed until after it happened.

I am nine classes away from graduating now. I am also in a not-so-unique position of having my job being off-shored. So now there is this huge blank canvas. I can do anything. What is God calling me to? Where does He want me to be? I definitely want His will for my life. So far, the options are:

Find another position within my current company.
Find a position with a new company.
Go back to school full time in January. I could be done in June. I am tossing around the option of joining a program like Teach for America and teaching high school English.
My other option for teaching is to get a TESL certification and take six - 12 month contracts teaching English as a second language in foreign countries all over the world.

I really like the idea of teaching. It feels more like a vocation -- a calling -- rather than a "career". I also like the idea of immersing myself in other cultures for extended periods of time. Right now, I am allowing myself to "dream big" and imagine a new "normal". It feels right, and I trust my heavenly Daddy to close the doors that should be closed, and open the doors that should be opened. He knows me inside out, upside down, backwards and forwards -- and He has my best interest at heart. So, for now, I am going to listen carefully. I am drawing ever closer to the One who gives me balance, purpose, and reason. When I know what the answer is, you will too.

(((HUGS)))

If....

2010-08-01T10:11:00.000-07:00

this is a placeholder...

I'm not posting much because right now I am working tons of OT. My position at work is being eliminated. Basically me and 500 coworkers are under the pressure of having our jobs outsourced to a company based out of India. My department is buzzing with all the changes -- there is a feeling of camaraderie as everyone is sharing job hunting and resume tips, as well as which companies are hiring and what positions are available elsewhere. In spite of the fact that many people are vying for a few positions, there is the feeling that we are all in this together.

My mind is full of "ifs"...If I don't find another position at my present company...if I can go back to school next term and obtain my degree rapidly....if I gamble that another position will be waiting for me in January... BUT I have faith that God will take care of me. I have faith that everything will work together according to His plan. No matter what happens, I believe that God has my back. He has a plan for me. All I have to do is believe and obey.

I don't know how often I'll get to post here. I'm still going to South Africa (six weeks!), so be prepared for a gut wrenching post some time around October 4th.

Gift Envy....

2010-07-11T17:04:00.000-07:00

Do you know what your "spiritual gift" is? Teaching, preaching, healing, encouragement, knowledge, discernment, administrative...Churches have a long list of these, and there is a whole slew of studies, questionnaires and the like to help you discover your gift, and how to put it to use. I've taken the questionnaire twice now. The top gift was the same both times. Some days I really like my gift, and some days I want to ask God is He sure that I'm supposed to have that one...

I have gift envy. I wish I was more organized. I want to be administratively gifted. I want to be able to hold an event that people respond to, attend, and enjoy. I wish I could plan a successful party. I want to be able to just start AND finish a project. I used to think I was good at this type of stuff. I used to think I was gifted at service. Truth be told, I scored high on service the first time I took the test. It was the second highest gift. I loved that. I liked being behind the scenes, setting up the food for potlucks, and cleaning up after. I was Ms. Dependable. "They" always knew they could count on me. Here's the truth and it isn't pretty: I thought it was the only way to get people to like me. Doing things for others was the only way to get them to like me. There, now you know. I was full of massive insecurity. And then I got divorced.

When my ex and I separated, I began shedding a lot of weight. The excess weight was a result of years of emotional stress eating. As the weight came off, the emotions buried under layers and layers of fat rose to the surface. I was in a season of aloneness (thank you, God!). I spent a lot of that time dealing prayfully with the issues that put the weight on in the first place. Now, as my new body emerges, so is the spirit I had buried there. Now I realize that I actually like attention. I feel no hesitation in getting up in front of people and talking. I am a social, extroverted person, and I won't be hiding in the kitchen anymore. (So that's more gift envy, actually: when others get asked to deliver talks, I hear little whispers in my ear...why not you...how come you weren't asked to speak? All I can say is: go away Satan, I need to HEAR what God is saying through that person to me!)

The second time I took the test, service did not even make the top three gifts. My gifts are encouragement, faith, and evangelism. I don't always like the encouragement part because it often attracts people to me who are horribly hurt and in a great deal of pain. I am empathetic, and often have the best of intentions for following up with them. But that's the downside of my gift. I spread myself thin, and forget to follow up with people. Since I'm not administratively gifted, follow-up doesn't come naturally to me. Hence the gift envy. There are times when my gift makes me feel downright lazy. I see others accomplishing things, and all I'm doing is standing there talking. (Never mind that the person in front of me is pouring out their hurt and pain...) God is good, because He sends the encourager encouragement too. Today I was paid a very high complement by the leader of my South African missions team. Let's just say, I've felt like I've been in the background for a lot of things involving this trip, and that I wasn't pulling my weight. After what she said to me, I no longer feel that way. I've decided to look at it differently: I'm allowing others to exercise THEIR gift. This one can arrange for us all to have t-shirts, that one is booking the flights and organizing teams to do various tasks when we get there, the third is pulling together fund-raising plans...the list goes on. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing: pitching in where ever I can, and encouraging them when the going gets tough. The envy is gone.

Take THAT satan!

Galations 6:9
Do not grow weary in doing good, for in due season we shall reap a great harvest if we do not faint.

(((HUGS)))
G

Positive Post Tuesday

2010-07-06T18:36:00.000-07:00

Time to revive...Positive Post Tuesday has been silent toooo long....

I fixed someone's garbage disposer on Sunday. A click of the reset button, a turn of the allen wrench and we were on our way. I looked good and handy. (Mostly handy though, since I had a on a really baggy t-shirt.) It inspired me to (at some point on Monday) hang pictures and a shelf over my desk. Pictures went up no problem. Shelf not so much.

In spite of my handy-dandy, lovely lime green drill, the shelving screws did NOT want to go into the wall. I was hanging the shelf way too high, something that occurred to me after I was finished, tyvm, and when I finally got it up, I knew it would have to be lowered. I threw some stuff -- reference books, etc., just to see what it would be like.

I sat in the recliner to unwind. Not so much. The screws that took an hour to get into place pulled out of the wall dumping the entire contents of the shelf all over my glass desk and the floor. Yeah, you can laugh. It was pretty funny. I picked it all up, pulled the desk out from the wall, finished taking the leaning shelf down, and lowered it.

Another hour of wielding my drill and now its crooked. Unless you look at it from the recliner angle. But hey, its attached and stable. For now.

Have an awesomely positive Tuesday.

(((HUGS)))
The girl with the very sore arms.
aka G

Perfection...

2010-07-04T09:20:00.000-07:00

I wish I was perfect. I'm not. That's not a news flash to anyone who reads this blog, I'm sure. I do not listen to Christian music exclusively. I do read Jenny the Bloggess with all her irreverence and thoroughly enjoy the sarcastic humor she and her audience display. I use the phrase LMAO, and I do say the word ASS (Sorry if that offends you). In traffic I have been known to call people donkeys because they do something I think is stupid. O, and yeah, while my potty mouth has cleaned up drastically in the last two years, every once in a while the f-bomb drops when I least expect it. Sometimes I do or say or write things that cause other people unnecessary pain. I just wish that God would put a gag over my mouth and only let me say or do the things that He wants me to say or do. Nothing more, nothing less. But then, there would be no need for His grace, would there?

If we were all perfect, we wouldn't need grace. We wouldn't need Jesus. We wouldn't need the incredible sacrifice He made on the cross. If we were all perfect, we wouldn't have free will. Since He would be making all the choices for us, we wouldn't get a say. I wouldn't get to choose where I live. I wouldn't get to choose whether to sit at home and be alone, or to go out with my friends and enjoy a movie. I have heard over and over that we are supposed to consult Him on every decision we make, down to the smallest detail. Am I alone in struggling with this?? Surely God doesn't care if I purchase pure white sugar or stevia. How 'bout Diet Coke with Cherry vs Diet Coke with Lime?

Free will is awesome, but it can lead to us making choices that hurt other people. It can lead to public failures, and equally public apologies. It can lead to self-indulgent, selfish choices that benefit no one (including the choice maker). But it can also lead to incredibly beautiful things. The choice to step up and be a hero in the face of great disasters. The choice to serve a greater good by joining the armed forces and fighting for an ideal that is hard to express, but defines a way of life. The choice to love even when your rights are being violated. The choice to pray for people who have used or manipulated you. The choice to believe God is real and loves you even when you feel overwhelming evidence that He is not, and does not.

When it's all said and done, I'll take imperfection and free will over perfection and no choice. I will continue to make mistakes, and the people affected by those mistakes will either choose to forgive or not, based on their own free will. I learn from my mistakes -- sometimes in very hard and bitter ways -- but I would rather make a right or wrong choice, and endure either the good or the bad that emerges from that choice, then to have no choice to make. I am flawed. I am imperfect. I own that imperfection and strive to be better. I strive to overcome and be more like Christ. None of my imperfections are enough to separate me from the love of Christ Jesus. Nothing I can do or say will make Him turn away and say "I disown you". Instead, He is gentle and kind. He disciplines me when I need it, and He loves on me always. I am His beloved daughter. Someday I will be perfect, just not today.

(((HUGS)))
G

One Question...

2010-07-01T19:03:00.000-07:00

A few years ago I was in a Sunday School group studying the book of Revelation. There was a question in one of the studies asking "What is the one question you will ask God when you meet Him?" Mostly people said they will ask the questions relating to why bad things happen to good people. They would ask the question why so and so had to go through such and such. Eventually the study leader turned to me (I was uncharacteristically quiet) and said "What about you?" Truthfully, I have no questions for God. I believe that when we stand in front of Him, we will understand without asking. We will see the "bigger picture" so to speak, and our individual problems won't really matter to us anymore. The mountain I had to climb last month will be nothing in comparison to His Holiness in front of me. I would climb a thousand if it means that I can be that much closer to Him. I truly believe that when I do meet my Maker, I am going to fall flat on my face in awe. Meantime, I have faith that God holds my past, present and future in His hands. No matter how much pain I experience here, He holds me fast, and He has a reason for it all. That's enough for me.

Thoughts?

The Excitement is Building....

2010-06-26T19:23:00.000-07:00

I'm going to South Africa. I can't really describe the anticipation that is starting to build. The nervous jitters and the complete absence of expectations. I don't really know what is going to happen over there. And I'm ok with that. I'm ok with not having control, not knowing what is coming, not having expectations. I'm actually trying NOT to set any. I don't want to set myself up for disappointment. I don't want to put God in a box by telling Him how it's going to be when I get there. I'm just going where He tells me to go, and doing what He tells me to do. Right now, it feels like everything I am learning is preparing me for this experience that will pretty much eclipse every expectation I could even dream about.

Positive Post Tuesday

2010-06-15T18:11:00.001-07:00

A few very random shout-outs and a really important message from me to you at the bottom, so keep reading even if your bored.

Happy Anniversary to:
1. My mom and dad celebrating 52 years yesterday.
2. My sister and her husband celebrating 24 years yesterday.

Happy 2nd Birthday to my niece, Sophia. I love you, miss you and wish I was there.

Happy Graduation to my niece, Kayla. I'm proud of you!!

Positive Post Tuesday is pretty self explanatory. If you had asked me a few days ago what was brewing in my writer's brain I would have looked at you blankly and said "I'm never posting again." However, I do find myself with something to say, and if you think it's targeted at you, you MIGHT be right, but that's between you and God. Recently I have observed multiple friends going through excruciating life changes. My heart breaks for their heartbreak, and I want to tell them:

The pain that you are up against right now is temporary. It is transient. I promise that God is big enough that He can hold you through anything and everything. I know you feel alone. I know that you are lonely. I know that you are grieving. I know that you never wanted to face what you are facing by yourself. Here's the good news: You are NOT alone. He is wrapping His arms of love around you and whispering "Let go and let me have it." God wants you to offer up your pain. He wants you to trust Him that the plan and the purpose He is working out in your life is so much bigger and better than you could think or imagine. My best friend has a saying: "Run to the Throne, not to the phone!" It's the best advice I can give you right now.

Give yourself permission to grieve. Give yourself permission to be angry. Give yourself permission to take time to be alone and to become fully reliant on God. It is only by walking through this fire that you will come out on the other end, refined like gold, shining and beautiful and strong. Then you will clearly see other people in pain, walking through the fire, and offer them the same words of encouragement and advice. You will know because you have been there. Meantime, be patient with yourself. Healing does not happen overnight, even though we wish it would.

Always remember: you are beautiful, you are worthy, and you are loved. God thinks you're worth His life, and He is always right.

From Amy Grant to you via my blog:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0nMvvoXa9Yk

God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
God loves the drunkards cry,
The soldiers plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

The woman holding on for life,
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what's been done,
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
Better than a church bell ringing,
Better than a choir singing out,singing out.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Repeat Chorus

(((HUGS)))
G

Wacky Wednesday -- Placeholder

2010-05-12T16:37:00.000-07:00

Its been a couple of weeks since I've written. It's been a busy time, and I apologize to my avid followers who are addicted to my posts. Stop pressuring me, people!! Sorry. Here's a brief recap of stuff that has happened in the last two weeks, and a promise of a post (or two) to come...

My Bible as Literature class is over. I passed with a B. I'm happy. I hated that class. After I graduate the B won't matter, and I'm still eligible for reimbursement. Yay me!
During the last two days in April I realized with a jolt that I had procrastinated getting the remaining stuff out of my storage unit and I needed to do so asap to avoid paying any rent in May. This led to a conversation with my roommate in which she told me that her situation had changed and we needed to part ways. We are both sad/happy about it. I need to move by the end of June.
The day of my Lit final, I stopped to look at an apartment on my way home. I wasn't expecting much. The rent is really really cheap with a lot of stuff included that isn't normally included. I wound up on the wrong block instead, and found the perfect apartment there. It was a total God thing. I went home convinced. I'm moving back to South Tampa. The place where I belong. :)
My application for the new apartment cleared in record time. I just need to drop off a deposit and sign the lease on Friday. I'm moving June 19th.
Friday night my "posse" and I traveled around Tampa watching a couple of different bands in a couple of different locations play a couple of different styles of music. We had an impromptu sleepover at Barb's. She's so awesome. She just went with the flow.
Saturday AM was the 2nd South African Missions Garage sale. I have no idea how we did, but we sold lots of stuff. What was left got loaded into trucks and taken to Goodwill.
Saturday afternoon I took the posse to see my new apartment. They were giving me grief about making such a rapid decision. As soon as they saw it, they knew I was right. God led me to that place. No question.
Saturday night was church followed by a birthday celebration unlike any I have ever experienced. Once I get the rest of the pics, I will write a separate blog on that and post pics. Let's just say it's official: I'm PRINCESS G, tyvm. Pay homage y'all. You're in the presence of greatness. YOUR WELCOME! ;)
Sunday was supposed to be a total surprise. Due to SOME people (who will remain unmentioned until NEXT post) I knew ahead of time that the posse was taking me canoeing. Let's just say that I couldn't lift my arms for two days. So blame them for the late post. Works for me. (hehe)
Monday and Tuesdays became recovery and prayer days as I had a couple of friends who desperately needed prayer. Both had parents in critical condition in the hospital. I believe Crystal's mom is much better, but David's dad is still recovering from surgery.
Monday I'm back in class again for the summer. Time sure does fly.
I feel ubercool right now 'cause I'm in Starbucks writing this post while tethered to my blackberry, using it as a modem. You had no idea I was so talented did you? You should have more faith, people. Just sayin...

next blog: the big birthday bash.
Coming soon: Why I gave up alcohol.

((((HUGS))))
"Princess" G

disclaimer: parts of this post are extremely tongue in cheek. I'll let you figure out which ones.

Tiaras and Toilets

2010-04-28T15:09:00.000-07:00

Some ideas I wish I could claim as my own. Unfortunately there is nothing new under the sun. So let me preface this post and tell you that the idea of cleaning in a tiara came from one of my spiritual mentors, Linda. Now that I have your attention:

A couple of weeks ago my Friday night lifegroup ended up being all women, with most of us single. We talked a lot about the challenges facing single women in todays world, and how as followers of Christ, we need to set a very high standard for anyone who wants to date us. The consensus was that we are daughters of the King; therefore, we are princesses and should be treated as such.

Out of my mouth pops: "In fact, I want a TIARA!" A nice tiara. Not those chintzy dollar store tiaras. We started joking about taking a shopping excursion to purchase them.
During the conversation I mentioned that whenever we are tired of cooking, running the vacuum, dusting or cleaning the toilet, we should put on our tiaras and remember to whom we belong while we are doing it. (Thanks Linda!).

Jen G looks at me and says: "If you put a pic of yourself on Facebook cleaning the tiolet while wearing a tiara, I will definitely go shopping with you!"

I did. Here it is. You owe me a shopping trip, Jen.

(((HUGS)))
G

PS. The lei was Bab's idea. I thought it added a nice touch.

The Pursuit of Happiness

2010-04-24T11:09:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting on the lanai in a nice comfy chair, listening to the breeze rattle the palm tree branches. The sun is shining, and the sky is blue. Various sounds float on the breeze: bird songs, children laughing, and lawn mowers chugging away. Its an idyllic day. I have no worries, no problems, nothing that God isn't big enough to handle. I am - to put it frankly - happy. I have learned to let go of the things I thought would bring me happiness, and now I find happiness exists in many moments like these. Last night, happiness was learning how to dance the tango and the salsa. Today, it is the warm, peaceful spring day on the lanai.

God has pulled me through so many storms. There have been lots of those since I accepted Jesus as my Savior over 11 years ago. "If I had known then what I know now..." Have you ever said that to yourself? Would you really have done anything differently if you had known what was going to happen? Would you have changed your behaviors, or would you simply have let go sooner of the things holding you down or holding you back? We could drive ourselves crazy asking these questions. The ultimate response to this line of thinking is that God works for the good outcome for all His children. In His time, in His manner, not ours. It is my testimony that I'm much happier having come through those storms with Christ than without Him, and that He has, indeed worked these things for my good.

I am a Princess. A daughter of the Most High Living God. Without those storms, I would not know my worth in Christ. Without those problems, I would not have learned to lean on Christ. Without those issues, I would not appreciate the peaceful, idyllic day I am experiencing right now. I would not have learned to pursue God with the absolute single mindedness that He requires. "Seek ye FIRST the Kingdom of God, and all these OTHER things will be added unto you." My Father comes first, always. Whenever that happens, the happy moments come thick and fast. He is in control; therefore, whatever state I am in, I am content. I am happy.

Positive Post Tuesday

2010-04-13T17:48:00.000-07:00

God is working. He is doing amazing wonderful things in my life. Here's a few:

1. South Africa deposit is due Friday night. I haven't received a dime, yet, but I have total peace that it is taken care of. I don't know why, but I do.

2. God has put two awesome women in my life who are also dealing with being single. They encourage me, lift me up, and (most importantly) share my wacky sense of humor. I love you, Babs and Marie. You make me see the hilarity in the most nonsensical situations, and you challenge me to be all that God has called me to be.

3. Spiritually, the things I have learned in the past are being reinforced, and I am learning new, even deeper truths daily. I am growing more and more sure of who I am in Christ, and the purpose He has for my life.

God is good all the time; all the time, God is good.

Worthiness: Truth and Lies Part II

2010-04-11T04:21:00.000-07:00

This blog started out as an update to Truth and Lies; however, I felt God speaking some serious truths worthy of a new post.

The spark that made me realize that I was buying into the lies was the statement "I'm not WORTHY of that, yet." The moment I spoke those words out loud (in my car) a light bulb went off. Worthiness is a condition humans will always aspire to, and never achieve.

We are called, as disciples of Christ to be like Him. The goals that I mentioned in Truth and Lies are all worthy goals. They are goals that get me out of bed early in the morning to seek God, read His word, and pray. They are goals that propel me out the door into life outside my bedroom. But they are goals. They are not conditions that make me in any way "worthy". There is nothing I can DO to make me worthy of His love, His grace, and His mercy. There is no worthy outside of Christ. Jesus was my perfect sacrifice because I could never be worthy enough for His blessings, especially when I try to act in my own power. Only my faith in Christ and my acknowledgment that He is Lord makes me worthy.

As a disciple, I am called to obedience. I am held accountable for the light God gives me. I fall short every time my will is not aligned with that of my Master. I can always tell when my will is trying to take over God's. I start rationalizing why I am behaving this way, or thinking that way. My inner self becomes completely conflicted and I start an internal dialogue that begins with "BUT"... But what? But I WANT it!! Yes, and just like every good parent, God knows not just what I WANT, but what is GOOD for me. He will withhold NO GOOD thing from me. It is time to be STILL, to know He is God. To know HE knows best, and allow Him to speak truth and love into my life. This is why staying in the Word is so important. Staying in the Word allows me to recognize the lies of Satan, battle these lies, and submit completely to the Spirit much more quickly.

If you are fighting these battles I have a few suggestions:
1. Read the Word daily.
2. Journal. Even if you just write down the scripture you read today. Writing helps clarify thoughts, and retain information. It takes discipline to do it every day, but it is worth the sacrifice of time.
3. Get an accountability partner. Someone you can trust to speak truth into your life when you are struggling with the lies. Someone who will pray with you, over you, and challenge the thought process that causes you to buy into the lies.
4. If you are NOT part of a body of Christ, find one. Now. The Bible tells us that Satan comes as a roaring lion, seeking to devour. You all know that lions prey on the weak. The weak are always easily spotted because they are alone. When the weak become part of a herd, the herd will move to protect the weak by surrounding it. The church is your herd. When you are in the body of Christ, the body surrounds you and helps protect you from the attacks the lion will attempt to make.

Things of this world will never fulfill us. Only in Christ are we satisfied. I take this truth for myself: In Christ, I am complete. He is enough.

Jesus loves you. He is passionate about you. He will never leave you, or forsake you. In Him, you are beautiful, you are passionately loved, you are worthy.

Truth and Lies

2010-04-10T12:16:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about what women say to themselves. My friends are taking a study at church called Me, Myself and Lies. It is about the lies that women tell themselves all the time. Recently I met a guy I thought was really interesting. For whatever reason that exists between him and God, he is not pursuing a relationship with me. In the aftermath of his obvious (initial) interest followed by his sudden departure, I began turning things over in my head, analyzing the situation to death, and blaming myself for what never happened. I was driving home from work one day last week and it hit me: I have been telling myself some lies that appeared to be truth. Satan is sneaky that way.

Lie #1: I have to reach my physical fitness goals before I can meet that person. When I'm satisfied with my body image, I will portray the type of confidence I need to attract the right person to me.
Truth: Get over it. I am beautiful just as I am. I was beautiful before I lost 80 lbs too. I am a Princess, a daughter of the Most High Living God. My Father tells me I'm beautiful every day.

Lie #2: I have to reach my financial fitness goals before I can get into a serious relationship. I am carrying a load of debt racked up while I was married. I am shedding it slowly but surely. I will be free eventually, once I learn to stop trusting in my own wisdom, and rely completely on God. Truth: No man in his right mind is going to condemn me for debt. If he is Godly, he will give me good advice.

Lie #3: I have to be pure enough. Let's be frank here. There is a lot of junk that floods over the radio, tv and internet every day. It is the responsibility of every Christian to take every thought captive. It is only through the same self discipline exercised over money and food that anyone can succeed in being pure. I have taken a vow of abstinence until I am married again. It is because I respect God, myself, and my future mate too much to give something that precious away lightly. I can satisfy my flesh very quickly -- if and when I choose -- but God has a better plan.
Truth: My past is past. I am worthy of the wait, and so is he. There will be men that I am attracted to, but if I take every thought captive, and do not act on the attraction, then I am fulfilling my vow of purity. Taking every thought captive means putting on the full armor of God (Ephesians 6) and washing in the Word every day (Ephesians 5:25).

Lie #4: I have to finish school first. I really do want to obtain my Bachelor's degree. Somehow I had become convinced that I could not do that if I was in a serious relationship.
Truth: I will finish school. It's just a matter of time.

God's timing is always perfect. His ways are higher than my ways, and His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. He will send me the right man at the right time, but it will not be my time, it will be His. I trust Him. He is my Daddy, and He really does know best. No more lies: only His sweet, sweet truth.

What lies are YOU telling yourself?

Misc...

2010-04-08T15:31:00.000-07:00

So much is going on, and its been a while since I posted...so here's a few random thoughts as teasers.

Easter was incredible. Spent the whole weekend in church. Good Friday was a Communion Service (AMAZING). Since I was in the choir, I had to be back at 3:15pm on Saturday to practice for the Saturday night services. I was there until 9pm. Went home, slept and was back in church at 7:30 for another practice, followed by prayer time, followed by 3 more services. It was exhausting, exhilarating, and quite awesome.
God is amazing. All the time. Last night I really received confirmation that I am supposed to become an Encourager at church. It's the perfect way for me to serve in ministry.
I have a test on Saturday and I am avoiding studying by posting this blog.
I have learned that I MUST wait on God, and not try to force things to happen because I think they should.
I am learning submission. It's hard. I don't always like it. But I'm still learning.
My deposit for South Africa is due on 4/16.

Visions of Africa, Part 2

2010-03-29T17:53:00.000-07:00

Many of you have suffered through me talking non-stop about being called to South Africa in September. I have the privilege of joining a short term mission trip with the Crossing Church. This is my first overseas missions trip, and I am very excited.

The Crossing Church is partnering with Swi Ta Lunda to reach those children who are vulnerable due to poverty and HIV/AIDS. SwiTa Lunda means things will get better. This year, we are partnering with local churches and missionaries to:

bring teaching through bible stories and crafts
provide for community needs such as clothing and school supplies
home visitations to minister to AIDS patients
provide AIDS awareness and prevention education
provide training to caregivers of orphaned children

I am very excited about the opportunities and experiences that lie ahead. I hope you can see the value in what this team will accomplish. As you can imagine, a trip like this requires financial support from a number of people. Would you prayerfully consider partnering with me as I respond to God's call to minister to the needs of children in South Africa? There are a number of ways you can help:

Prayer support. Cover me and the team in prayer as we prepare mentally, physically and emotionally. Keep us in prayer as we travel, and pray for open hearts and open minds to receive God's word.
Supplies. We are collecting clothing and school supplies to bless the children, and hygiene products for the adults.
Financial Support. Any support you can give to offset the cost of travel, transportation, meals, etc is welcome.

Anything you can give will bless me, the team, and the children of South Africa. If you would like to donate, please email me at gillian.kilbride@gmail.com. I will be happy to explain how to write the check and where to send it, or connect with you to pick up donations. Meantime, here are a few shots from last year's trip. A thousand words couldn't explain all the reasons why I am so compelled to go. Hopefully a few pictures will.

This little girl walks for miles from her home to the orphanage every day with her baby brother strapped to her back to get food. Her mother is too sick to care for the baby.

Visions of Africa

2010-03-24T06:48:00.000-07:00

Let's face it. We live in a very privileged culture. America has an abundance of everything we need to make our lives run smoothly. I grew up "poor" by American standards. We had a large family and we all worked to earn the luxuries that we desired.

Growing up in Philadelphia I was part of a church that had affiliations in Africa. Each month the church would publish sermons written by the Pastor. They always contained testimonies on the back which included letters from Africa. The letters painted some stark pictures of people experiencing miraculous provision in the middle of war-torn countries. I remember thinking over and over about how I would never go to Africa. It was dangerous and disease ridden continent.

Fast forward to the summer of 2008. I had just returned from my first missions trip: constructing a house for a couple in Bay St. Louis, Mississippi. My husband and I have separated, and I have taken to watching BBC America every night. One night, the news footage centered around these refugees pouring out of a country torn apart by civil war. I slammed up against the reality that my life is privileged, and I have nothing to complain about. My heart felt like it was being sucked out of my chest. "Lord, if there is ANYTHING I can do, please show me. I want to go over there and help." I began praying for direction, and to open my heart and mind to the possibility of a mission trip to Africa.

Another year went by with no open doors. Meantime, my heart went through some drastic changes as I became more exposed to the issues people were up against half a world away. In the summer of 2009, I traveled to Daytona Beach, FL with the First Baptist, Lutz Youth Group for a student life conference. Chris Tomlin was doing worship every morning and evening. It was an amazing week.

Thursday night, the last night of the conference, footage of Compassion International was shown. What stood out to me was a boy named Jordan who gave up his freshman year in college to go minister to children in Africa. The children wanted to know what his name meant. They told him they gave him a new name that means Everybody loves you. It was at that moment I received the following: I am standing on arid soil, holding a little girl. She is small for her age and she has her arms and legs wrapped around me. I can feel her weight, and see her face.

I immediately began banging on the door of heaven demanding to be sent to Africa. Within six weeks, I was called out of First Baptist into The Crossing Church. The Crossing sends mission teams all over the world. They had a missions weekend and I remember interviewing the different teams going to Africa. When I heard what the South Africa mission is all about, a light bulb went off in my head: South Africa it is. I am washed in peace, and filled with certainty that I am doing what God is calling me to do.

Next up: The Mission to South Africa

(((HUGS)))
G

Stats Stink Sunday...

2010-03-21T05:35:00.000-07:00

A truly random edition...

Took a break from Facebook this week and proved to myself how addicted I really am to the constant influx of information. I'll be reevaluating its purpose in my life and taking steps to ensure that it keeps me connected to the people I care about, while reducing the number of constant updates from my vast sea of acquaintances.
Mercy Me is back on tour with the Rock and Worship Roadshow. They broadcast their concerts live online via UStream. Check it out HERE. All I can say is: David Crowder and Mercy Me for FREE, y'all! Skorinc is doing a fabulous job with these broadcasts.
Life is so very busy. I'm leaving for South Africa in 6 months. I have decided to reenter the "no dating zone" until I get back. Dating relationships need to take a back seat so I can focus on what I need to do to prepare for the mission.
Happy the weather finally seems to have turned warm enough to pull some of my lighter clothing out of the closet. I'm supposed to go to the beach today...Since I've had a fairly intense three weeks I'm looking forward to just relaxing on the warm sand with my friends. However, if it continues to rain, I suppose we will have to settle for movie day instead.

Next time: A long promised post explaining why I am going to South Africa.

Proverbs 31: A tribute to my Mom...

2010-03-17T17:50:00.000-07:00

Upon hearing that my mother had nine children, cooked, cleaned, and sewed, a gentleman looked at me and said "Your mother must have been a Proverbs 31 woman." The words gave me pause. I never really saw my mother through a stranger's eyes before.

"Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value"
My dad depends on my mother's judgment, and she was (and still is) very good at managing the household finances, stretching a tight budget, clipping coupons and scouring the store fliers for the best grocery bargains. I don't ever recall being hungry or lacking for food that I enjoyed. We always had a present at Christmas and on our birthdays, and our sweets tended to be of the homemade variety.

"She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks."
Many, many mornings I remember laying in bed while my mother called for me to get up at the ungodly hour of 8a.m. It really wasn't fair that she expected me to get up and help her. It wasn't as if she had been already up for 2.5 hours cleaning or anything like that...

"In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers"
Mom sews. She loves it. She taught me how to take body measurements, how to lay out patterns, how to pin the edges so the sewing machine wouldn't hit the pinhead when running the seam...She has tremendous patience with these things. She has made approximately 6 wedding gowns and altered countless others. My sisters and I each had a new fancy dress at Easter, graduation ceremonies, and Christmas. If we ever went to her and said that we liked a certain dress or skirt, she was sure to hunt up the pattern, help us pick material and sew it up for us. She saved us lots of money and provided us with great quality clothing.

"She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy."
By any standards, I suppose our family would have been considered poor. I never noticed. What I knew is that just as people blessed us with huge bags of clothing their children had outgrown, my family blessed others. We didn't have much, but what we had we gave with generous hearts. My mother never hesitated to take meals to the sick and housebound, and pitched in to nurse the bedridden when necessary.

"Her husband is respected at the city gate."
My dad is (and has been) respected in their church and my mother has much to do with that.

"Her children arise and call her blessed, her husband also, and he praises her..."
I know I can safely speak for my siblings when I say that while my mom is not without faults, she has been generous with her time and attention towards us, and towards her grandchildren. She continues to minister to us and to her grandchildren through sewing and helping us out whenever she can. She does not understand the concept of retirement or slowing down. She is a listening ear when I need it, and the source of abundant wisdom, and deep love towards me. I have a tremendous respect for her. Yes, my friend, my mother IS a Proverbs 31 woman.

Love you Mom! Happy Mother's Day two months early.

stats stink sunday

2010-03-07T13:39:00.000-08:00

Statistically, blogs don't get read on Sunday. So SSS is kind of a "phone it in" where you put random thoughts in bullet points and hit publish post.

Three of my friends received major victories in their lives this week. I am happy for each and overjoyed that one of those victories involved salvation for 2 little boys.
I joined the intercessory team at church. These people are SERIOUS about prayer.
I am halfway through 26.2, which is a class offered by my church that involves discovering your spiritual gifts and learning the best place to apply them.
Some interesting things unfolding in singles ministry.
I have a test Tuesday night and am doing everything I can to avoid studying for it. I am NOT enjoying this class at all, but so far it has been pretty easy.
God keeps sending "love" scriptures to me. I am learning the practical application of I Cor 13. It's not easy.

Loneliness

2010-02-27T07:59:00.000-08:00

I can be in the middle of a noisy, busy household and feel completely, utterly lonely. Wave after wave will wash over me as I listen to others make plans that do not include me. I miss my family. I miss the companionship of marriage -- the obligation to cooperate.

For a whole year, I dealt with loneliness while living alone. It was easy. I expected it. Welcomed it even. I wanted to be alone. I felt that being alone was better than being with the wrong person. This is not to say that I turned into a hermit. Far from it. However, I called the shots. I decided when I wanted or did not want to be with other people. During those times, when I would feel the wave, it was easy to turn on music, curl up into a ball and cry out to God for deliverance. This is different. While living alone, I learned how to be alone, and NOT be lonely. I still don't know how to be in a crowd and not be lonely.

The simple act of being invited to share breakfast with my roommate and her children brought the issue forcefully to the front of my mind today. While eating, I realized that their family history, private jokes, shared secrets knit them together in a unity that I have yet to find. That's when the wave hit. No longer am I satisfied with the plans I have for the day: study. I want to go bowling, go to the movies, let loose and have fun with family. Not just any family: MY family, MY husband, MY kids.

Intellectually this is reasoned out fairly quickly:

I have an obligation to study, because I have a test next week.
I have lots of friends to call on if I wanted someone to hang out with me.
I am a woman of faith, and I believe that God's timing is best. I believe He is using this time to prepare my heart - and the heart of the one He is sending to me - for each other. I will have these things when He is ready for me to have them.
I can be surrounded by husband, children and extended family and still feel lonely.

Lots of people will tell you that this is all the "pain" of being single. I don't think being single is painful at all. It is really one of the happiest times of my life. I am learning to lean on God for everything, to know His heart towards me and others, and to love unconditionally. Not with expectation or desperation, but with joy and abandonment.

The only way to combat loneliness is with truth. The truth is, those moments will come, and then they will pass. It's up to me, and where I choose to place my focus, as to how long they will last. Already, as the family prepares to go out, I am feeling less and less lonely, and more and more happy at the thought of a peaceful, quiet study afternoon.

(((HUGS)))
G

The Challenge to Love

2010-02-25T09:42:00.000-08:00

***This was initially written as a NOTE on Facebook last Thursday. It just bears repeating. :) **
A very dear sister posted a Facebook challenge (via her status) to prayerfully read
I Corinthians 13 and Romans 12 every day for 30 days. Although I did not repost it on my status, I decided to rise to the occasion.

This morning was Day 1. I woke up and lay in bed just meditating on I Cor 13. It's a pretty familiar passage, so I hadn't even picked up my Bible yet when this came to me, unsought and kind of unwanted, since I don't know that I'll ever be capable of living up to what I wrote:

Love
I give you my love
Soft and gentle
Unconditionally
So you may know
That Christ is real
That God does heal
Angels are with you because
I pray without ceasing
For your well being.
I ask for nothing in return
If I did, my love would not be unconditional.
It would, instead, seek its own;
And turn away, hurt
unfulfilled
incomplete
unsatisfied
without being known,
Because that would not be love.

Wordless Wednesday...

2010-02-24T19:14:00.000-08:00

Letters to Africa

2010-02-09T13:46:00.000-08:00

Today I sat down and did something I've been putting off for four months. I wrote a letter to a child in West Africa. Last October I took on a project without counting the long term costs and benefits. It was an emotional reaction to a plea for help. I'm so glad I didn't stop to consider the long term commitment. I don't really want to know what happens to children who do not have a sponsor.

My child lives in a region of the world that is very dry and arid. She is in a culture that degrades girls with dispicable practices such as female circumcision. There is a lack of trained teachers, nurses and living quarters in this part of the world.

The country just next door to hers has thousands of people living in remote tribes that still practice "mingi" -- killing children because they are believed to be cursed. This practice is deeply rooted in the occult. I am carefully NOT mentioning the name of the country, because the government of that country could easily expel the people who are there, in the trenches, trying to stop such practices, and rescue these precious little ones.

Some of my gentle readers may shake their heads and ask why, with so much poverty here in my own backyard, am I concerned for those so far away. I cannot answer that question easily. Here in America, there are many programs in place to deal with poverty. I am not called to help with those, I am called to the "least" of these. These "least" live in countries without the resources and infrastructure to deal with the cultural and sanitary issues that are destroying these children. I am being heavily challenged by God to step out of my comfort zone and be the difference in His people's lives.

If you can help, please do. I am including two links. Meander over and take a look. In light of eternity, is that brand new TV worth the life of a child on the other side of the world?

1. Food for the Hungry
2. Drawn from the Water

I had a very difficult time writing my first letter to my child. How can I ever describe a life so foreign to her? How can I sleep comfortably at night in my soft bed, knowing she has only a thin mattress? I am privileged, spoiled, and comfortable beyond her wildest imagination. So are you. Please give.

its a rant. feel free to skip it.

2010-02-01T16:10:00.000-08:00

I love the internet. I love how it connects me to people I love all over the country. Sending emails is SOOO much better than actually writing a letter. Writing an actual letter makes my wrist hurt and my fingers get little bumpy indents. Really. Email is so much better. And faster. Unless you have a gazillion email accounts. Then you're just showing off. Unless you created different accounts for different reasons. Like to avoid SPAM!!!

What a word: SPAM. When I was younger it came to my mailbox. Delivered by a very hardworking mailman with a huge bulging mail bag. Big glossy ads in lovely magazines, and credit card offers that you always KNEW were junk mail because they somehow spelled your last name wrong. Then there was the "chain" letters. Remember those? You'd have to copy them by hand over and over and forward them to your friends because, God forbid, anyone bring bad luck on themselves by being too lazy to forward the daggum things. So now we don't have to write them out by hand, and they come by the dozens to our inboxes.

Chain emails are easy to send. Hit the forward button, choose the first 7, 12, 15, or 20 unfortunate people and away it goes. No bad luck for ME today, thank you very much! I have two real issues with them:
1. They are just plain annoying.
2. I don't hear from you unless you send me spam.
Honestly, did you even BOTHER to check SNOPES before you sent me that email about toxic tampons? And that chocolate chip cookie receipe? Total lie. What those "spiritual" prayers? Did you ever stop to think that maybe, JUST MAYBE, I'm not one of those pewwarmers, and I actually have a relationship with God and He told me I could delete anything as stupid and rote as those so-called "prayers", and offer instead a meaningful, heartfelt, loving paragraph just for you. (At least, I would if you took the time to send me a REAL email telling me what's on your mind so I could PRAY for you.) Then there are the gut-wrenching stories about little Johnny's encounter with an angel. They do not make me feel good about the world. Really. Especially when at the end you THREATEN me if I don't forward it to everyone on my contacts list. The preachy ones that tell me I'm afraid to show my Christianity if I don't forward it get deleted the fastest. I'm not afraid to stand up for Christ; however, I am NOT going to do it by forwarding an email to everyone that's ever shared their email address with me.

But the political ones really get to me. At lot of them are untrue, unfounded, and just plain HATE mail. The most recent one I got involved questioning why Michelle Obama is no longer able to practice law. It calls into question the integrity of both our President and his wife. I am by NO MEANS saying that the accusations in the email are not true. I don't know the facts, and I'm too busy to care. He's our President and I respect the position. Now you all have the freedom of speech to say what you think. That's the beauty of the country we live in. All this to say: if you send it to me, the buck stops here. It's not being forwarded, so save yourself a few keystrokes. And on behalf of all the other poor people in your contacts list: stop sending it to them too.

Hear me ROAR....

2010-01-26T18:21:00.001-08:00

When I moved here I purchased a new bed. It's my first real bed. Headboard, footboard, rails, its beautiful. Simple. I love it. Trying to cheap out, when I purchased it from my favorite Swedish based furniture company, I opted out of the wooden slats that they sell with every bed. Normally if one has a boxspring and mattress (I was told) one doesn't need the wooden slats. So I put together the bed, and my roommate and her boyfriend put the boxspring and mattress on the frame. It was awesome. A couple of weeks later, I sat on the edge of the bed, the boxspring and mattress shifted and there was a decided tilt to my sleeping space.

My roommates boyfriend helped me get it back where it was supposed to be, but last weekend after it shifted for the third time, I realized I was now climbing gingerly in and out of bed. I was holding my breath for the next drop. I went back to the famous swedish store and purchased the slats. Since I was there, I got a few other things...

Tonight I came home, mentally pooped from an afternoon of sitting through training. I needed some physical exercise. So yes, I muscled the mattress and boxspring off the bedframe, found instructions on installing the wooden slats (go google!!), and after installing, put the boxspring and mattress back on the bed.

I topped off the triumph by putting together this awesome little chair I found for $20. Now all I need is a bedside table and I'll be set...

I am WOMAN, hear me ROAR!!! I am tired.

I'm not who I was....

2010-01-17T17:54:00.000-08:00

And I'm not who I'm going to be, either.

I'm not the same person who, less than six months ago was a bundle of hidden pain. God is so GOOD. He does not let us stagnate and fester, but performs surgery where needed to cut the dross and infection away.

I have put to rest the bitterness and rage that I was carrying last summer. It is a beautiful thing, and allows me to move forward. It allows God to do amazing things in my life. Not that He wasn't before, but now I can actually appreciate them, even when I don't completely understand.

I recorded a testimony for Divorce Care at my church. It can be viewed HERE. Put on earphones and turn it WAY up, because I was sick so my voice is VERY soft.

This is only the beginning of God making me into the woman He always intended me to be. I can't wait to see what He has in store. I'm NOT who I was, thank you Jesus.

Saying "Yes" to God...

2010-01-07T16:24:00.001-08:00

My New Year's resolution is to say Yes! to God. Last year I committed to a deeper prayer life, and saw some pretty amazing changes occur. This year, I decided if I don't want God to discipline me the hard way, I had better develop better "listening" skills and say "YES" when I heard Him speak.

I had plans. Funny how I keep doing that. I think God must just shake His head and smile when I do that. Don't think for one moment I am saying it's not good to have goals, and work towards them. However, we need to be flexible enough to recognize when the plan isn't what we should be doing. I have a goal: have my degree by my 36th birthday. To reach that goal, I need to complete 10 classes by May 2011. There are (with 3 summer sessions) 5 semesters before I hit the big three-six. My plan was to take 3 this semester, 3 in the summer, 2 in the fall and 2 in the spring. The problem with the plan is it does cost money. While my company provides tuition reimbursement, not all the costs are covered, and the money still needs to be paid upfront. Up till this semester, I would put it on my credit card, then pay it back at the end of the semester.

Putting the tuition on my credit card will not work this semester. Nor do I have cash on hand to pay $1600 (not including books) up front for tuition. So I have a choice: Get a loan or take fewer classes. I wrestled with this, and finally put in an application for a loan.

Meantime, I have also been looking for ways to get involved with my church. I have been attending services since September, and am looking for ways to serve the local body. I already know I am going to South Africa next fall, but I also wanted to volunteer locally. Like usual, I have been praying sincerely for guidance, because I do not want to put a foot wrong in this matter. Last night, during the Communion service, I got my answer. Take only one class (online) and sign up for Leadership Development Training at the Church. Get involved with the intercessory (prayer) team.

So there you have it. Just like that, the plan has changed. It's going to be an interesting, exciting year. I am saying YES to God in this matter. I am diving in, going deep, letting go of the status quo, and whatever else you might want to call it. I know some people who read this will think I'm crazy. But I keep thinking: "In light of ETERNITY, which is more important? Saying YES to God, or getting a college degree?" Worldly wisdom vs Godly wisdom. No contest there.

New Year

2010-01-01T08:37:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!!

Where I've been:
January of 2009 started out with me separated from my husband, hurting in ways that only God could understand, but focused on Him.
April found me singing my first solo ever. I survived.
The divorce was finalized in May, and started the summer of the name change.
June took me to Oklahoma on a missions trip: building a new sanctuary for First Indian Baptist Church. Oklahoma was awesome, and I didn't want to come home.
July found me in Daytona with the FBL Youth Group. Worship with Chris Tomlin morning and night for four straight days. God made clear His calling that I was to make myself available to go to Africa.
August brought an abrupt change of direction. From planning a move to Lutz, and becoming a leader in the youth group, to moving to Riverview and being called to an entirely different church.
September brought me to the new church, my awesome Lifegroup, and Divorce Care. I discovered God doesn't make JUNK!
October found me wrestling down bitterness and unforgiveness, so I could walk with God as He intended.
November brought peace and the open door to Africa.
December brought assurance that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I am at peace, and God is romancing me -- drawing me ever closer to Him.

Where I'm going:
2010 is going to be an awesome year. It's going to be a BUSY year. It's going to be a BLESSED year. No matter what curveballs are thrown at me, like Paul, I will say, "Whatever state I am in, I am content."

The PLAN (subject to change, of course, lol):
3 courses in the Spring semester
3 courses over the Summer semester
Travel to South Africa in September.

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-25T05:49:00.000-08:00

Some people watch TV to relax, some read books. I surf the internet. Especially since my parents have no TV, and my mom has so many books. Inevitably, I would revert to my old ways and stay up till 2 or 3am all caught up in the story. I need my beauty sleep, y'all!

I'm sitting in my pjs on my mom's guest bed in Philly. Mom and Dad have no internet service. The best they had to offer was a phone line. Through the miracle of technology, I added internet service to my blackberry, and am now surfing the net (at a surprisingly RAPID pace) by tethering my laptop to my blackberry. Yes, I could simply surf the web on my phone, but the screen is really small, so I tether. I love modern technology.

I am so blessed to be here. Blessed to have been able to attend service at Calvary Chapel of Philadelphia last night. Blessed to be spending Christmas with Cliff, Ellyna, and Sophia, along with Ellyna's family. Blessed to be God's precious child. Blessed to know He has a plan, and I just need to be available to Him. Blessed to be saved out of my sin and depravity into the glorious light of His Gospel. Blessed to know Him, trust Him, and claim Him as my own.

My Christmas present to you: Mercy Me: Emmanuel

I hope you are equally blessed this Christmas!

(((HUGS)))
G

stats stink sunday

2009-12-20T07:46:00.001-08:00

here goes:

1. Favorite Christmas Carol: O Holy Night. Favorite arrangement of this song: Chris Tomlin, Glory in Highest.

2. School is done. Got an A in my lit class. Really enjoyed the course. Signed up for 3 classes next semester. Let the insanity begin.

3. Major product rollouts at work this week. For the most part, things went smoothly. I put in a lot of OT, and I was pretty burnt out by Wednesday.

4. My response to burn out is to shut myself in my room and watch pointless boring movies all night.

5. Going home on Christmas Eve. Can't wait to see my family again. Can't wait for them to see me. I am back to graduation weight (highschool). Haven't been this thin in 12 years.

6. Thanks to a roommate selling Mary Kay, I cannot leave the house without makeup and retain my self-respect. I used to be soooo low maintenance. :(

7. Still on a brownie kick. When I am craving chocolate, it's always brownies, and nothing else will satisfy.

8. My favorite verse of the week (and pretty much always) is Zephaniah 3:17.
"For the LORD your God has arrived to live among you. He is a mighty savior. He will rejoice over you with great gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will exult over you by singing a happy song."
What a beautiful picture of His love for us!

Until next time,
(((((HUGS)))))
G

Unspeakable Joy... Probably longest post ever

2009-12-10T16:38:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here in my candlelit bedroom listening to Chris Tomlin on iTunes...If you haven't gotten it, I strongly recommend his Glory in The Highest Christmas album. I love his new version of Joy to the World. Maybe its because I've been through so much heartache recently, and now I'm coming out of that heartbreak into a brand new me, and that chorus just expresses it so clearly.

I was pretty shocked when God called me out of First Baptist Lutz. Shocked, heartbroken and just plain flummoxed. I thought that the stability of that church was exactly what I needed, so I didn't understand His plan in having me leave. Here's the sequence of events:

I cleared my schedule to spend as much time as possible with the youth, but I wasn't seeing clearly where I was supposed to be there.
I started looking for a place to live in Lutz, but wasn't feeling it. Something just kept holding me back from committing to an apartment.
I began to clearly see that as much as I loved the youth, I wasn't supposed to be there.
I was told on no uncertain terms to get into Divorce Care. It was the one thing I had been avoiding since Chris left. I don't know why. Possibly because I didn't even want to acknowledge that I was divorced.
Being told I had to go to Divorce Care quite frankly ticked me off. But I respected the person who told me that enough to stop and examine it. I started looking for recovery classes in the area. I was supposed to be in class at USF on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and church Wednesday nights, which left Mondays. I'm not good when I'm running every night. Not having down time stresses me out beyond belief. I fasted and prayed that Saturday. I found a Tuesday Night recovery class at The Crossings. "God," I said, "If I'm supposed to attend THIS divorce care, let me find an online class at USF that I need to take." I found the last seat in an exit course.
That night I texted a friend of mine because I wanted to talk. She was on her way out the door to attend her church. I decided to meet her there.
The pastor changed the sermon. I knew I was in trouble. At first I was thinking about how awesome his vision was, and what a great church. Then I heard these words, like a lightening bolt: "I have this press for PRAYER, and I'm taking YOU ALL WITH ME!!" The one thing I KNOW I've been called to is Prayer. I thought "O NO! But God, if you move me away from Lutz, I'll feel like I'm in exile!" Just then the pastor read Jeremiah 24:6. He said "I will bring you back from exile and your fruit will be TWICE as sweet!" I turned to my friend. "Do you still need a roommate?" I asked. She'd only been asking me to move in for six months. She grabs her journal and shows me where she wrote Psalm 118. Next to it she wrote "NO FEAR". Just then the Pastor reads it over the pulpit. I'm not sure how God could have been any clearer.
I moved in on 10/31/2009. On November 1 I open Oswald Chamber's My Utmost for His Highest and read this:

There is no such thing as a private life -- "a world within a the world" -- for a man or a woman who is brought into fellowship with Jesus Christ's sufferings. God breaks up the private life of His saints, and makes it a thoroughfare for the world on the one hand and for Himself on the other. No human being can stand that unless he is identified with Jesus Christ. We are not sanctified for ourselves, we are called into the fellowship of the gospel, and things happen which have nothing to do with us, God is getting us into fellowship with Himself. Let Him have His way; if you do not, instead of being of the slightest use to God in His Redemptive work in the world, you will be a hindrance and a clog.

The first thing God does with us is to get us based on rugged Reality until we do not care what becomes of us individually as long as He gets His way for the purpose of His Redemption. Why shouldn't we go through heartbreaks? Through those doorways God is opening up ways of fellowship with His Son. Most of us fall and collapse at the first grip of pain; we sit down on the threshold of God's purpose and die away of self-pity, and all so-called Christian sympathy will aid us to our death bed. But God will not. He comes with the grip of the pierced hand of His Son, and says -- "Enter into fellowship with Me; arise and shine." If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, than thank Him for breaking your heart.

Thank you for breaking my heart, Abba Father. I trust you with my past, present and future. My life is yours. Take it, and do what you will. Your dreams for me are so much better than mine for myself.

Moving was the right decision. I love my home, my church, my new friends and my old friends. I am exactly where I'm supposed to be, doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. That gives me unspeakable joy!

Next post: Lifegroups

(((((HUGS)))))

G

The Faith of Tim Tebow...

2009-12-06T10:01:00.000-08:00

This was forwarded to me via email. I have no way of verifying every fact, and I do not know exactly where it originated from, but I think there are some important truths in what is said here. So without permission or acknowledgement, here is : The Gospel on Offense - The Faith of Tim Tebow

by Mark Earley

America's largest church has a capacity to hold 16,000. But while Tim Tebow may not be a preacher, when he runs into the University of Florida's football Stadium - affectionately known as "The Swamp" - his congregation numbers just over 90,000. And you can bet they're hearing Tim's message.

It's not just that this University of Florida quarterback wears Bible verses etched into his “eye-black” on game days. Tim Tebow hasbeen making headlines for more than simply his Heisman Trophy win as a sophomore and his two national championships. This summer the New York Times, GQ, and Sports Illustrated, all covered the quarterback's strong Christian faith.

Last year, when the Florida Gators won the national championship, the pre-game show followed Tim into a local Florida prison where he can regularly be found sharing his testimony and preaching the Gospel. And this top-notch athlete, who spends his spring breaks and summers ministering to orphans in the Philippines has actually helped change the culture of the University of Florida . According to Sports Illustrated, "Since Tebow's arrival on campus, and in large part because of him, the University has launched a series of community-service initiatives." Even coach Urban Meyer has taken his family on a "Tebow-inspired mission trip to the Dominican Republic ."

The press seems to be fascinated with outspoken Christian quarterbacks like Tim Tebow; Sam Bradford, the 2008 Heisman winner; and now USC's Matt Barkley. Only a few decades ago, it would have been taken for granted that these would be the kinds of fellows any father would want his daughter to marry. Now they are put under the microscope as some kind of curious anomaly-well-known athletes who actually exhibit character.

In our doped-up, mug-shot celebrity culture, sadly these young men do look a little out of step. And that's to our culture's shame. Perhaps that is why last year when the press asked Tim Tebow a rather impertinent question - they were more embarrassed by the response than he was. It was at a Southeastern Conference news media event where one reporter asked in front of the crowded room, "Are you a virgin?" Tim answered with an unequivocal yes and had yet another platform to explain how his faith impacts every area of his life.

That platform for sharing the Gospel is exactly what Tim's parents prayed for before he was born. Tim's father, Bob, a missionary in the Philippines, had been weeping over the millions of babies aborted in America. It was then that he prayed, "God, if you give me a son, if you give me Timmy, I'll raise him to be a preacher." Soon after, when Pam Tebow learned she was expecting, the parents' faith was put to the test. After a series of grave complications, doctors encouraged them to abort the child. They refused. Born small and weak, Timmy struggled from the beginning. But his dad continued to tell him, "God's got a purpose for you, and at some point, He's going to call you to preach."

Dad was right. God's message would come through the roar of the crowd, beamed to millions via satellite. But little did they know, Tim would don a jersey, not robes, and use a stadium for his pulpit. Tim's a great example of an opportunity every believer has - to put our faith to work on the field of play where God has gifted us and called us.

"Right is right, even if everyone is against it, and wrong is wrong, even if everyone is for it." William Penn

If you do not stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all. Isaiah 7:9 NIV

stats really do stink on sunday. and other random stuff

2009-11-29T10:31:00.001-08:00

1. I had an awesome, relaxing, and completely fun filled Thanksgiving.

2. Going with the flow and being flexible is much more enjoyable then setting a rigid schedule and demanding that other people stick to it.

3. Had breakfast with my bff from Virginia on Saturday. One of the highlights of my week.

4. Dipping my big toe back into the dating pool. Surprisingly enough, not as weird as I feared it would be.

5. Christmas is - and has always been - my favorite holiday. I'm going back to Philly again this year. Can't wait. I even have a new winter coat for which I didn't have to fork over an arm and a leg. (Go Kohl's BF sale!)

6. Hopefully I now have an adequate wardrobe. I think I've replaced it 4 times in the past year. Last thing on the list: boots. Next stop: Payless.

Have a blessed week. (((HUGS)))

Happy Thanksgiving...

2009-11-25T19:53:00.000-08:00

To my hordes of followers:

I hope your Thanksgiving is full of blessing and hope. Mine is.

I'm thankful that I'll have a house full of friends. Its the closest thing to a re-creation of my family holiday experience since I married Chris.

I'm thankful that in about two weeks I will have another semester behind me. One class closer to graduation.

I'm thankful that God cares so much about me that He will not let me stagnate, even though it hurts to move.

I'm thankful that I received a direct answer to prayer and have the open door to go to South Africa next year.

stats stink sunday

2009-11-22T13:59:00.000-08:00

Yeah, the weeks go by soooo fast.

1. Sad I couldn't go to the FBL Church Picnic. Miss my peeps there.
2. On Saturday, I got my haircut, went clothes shopping, car maintenance, and more shopping...then the Divorce Care group had a special session called Surviving the Holidays. So it was a busy, full day and I was exhausted at the end of it.
3. I am writing this to put off actually writing my six page Lit paper, due Wednesday.
4. The sky is black. Has been for a while. Rain already. Sheesh.
5. I have the house to myself this week. Kinda weirdly quiet.
6. I need a new dictionary. The one I have doesn't list the word "bricolage". Don't ask me what it means: I don't know -- it's like my dictionary WANTS me to be illiterate.
7. I am going to South Africa next fall. It's all a God thing. He's awesome.
8. Looking for cheap airfare to go home for Christmas, and yes, I HAVE checked whatever website you're going to suggest.
9. I keep intending on writing a post on something spiritually significant from the beginning of the month, but with school and work and other stuff overshadowing, I haven't put the time in that it deserves. Maybe on Thanksgiving.
10. David Crowder was over the top awesome. Had a great time. :)

Thats What Faith Can Do: Postive Post Tuesday

2009-11-17T19:18:00.000-08:00

This is a new song by Kutless. I love it. The words hit me so strongly tonight after leaving my Divorce Care group. The first verse just stood out: Gotta find the strength to rise from the ashes and make a new beginning..But you are stronger, stronger than you know...

I AM stronger. I am strong because I trust God for everything. I am strong because God has proven Himself trustworthy. I have some exciting things going on in my life. I can't wait to blog about it. Truly, out of the ashes, a new life is emerging.

Today is postive post tuesday. Enjoy it.

What Faith Can Do Lyrics

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

to write love on her arms...

2009-11-08T15:19:00.000-08:00

got invited to this by a friend on facebook.

this story is beautifully written, and will move you to tears.

http://www.twloha.com/index.php

the one after the move...

2009-11-05T19:51:00.001-08:00

this is just a quick update to say i'm safely moved in over in riverview. i'm very happy with the decision. we're still working out finer details but everything's awesome.

my life is a three ring cirus: work, school, church. when i'm not at one, i'm at the other. i haven't been home much, but when i have been home, posting here has been pretty low on the priority list.

that being said, some major God stuff has happened in the last week or so. my next post is going to be long, i'm sure, so be prepared. :) i'll probably post sunday, since that is shaping up to be the day when i veg out at home doing homework and other important stuff...

moving stinks -- sort of

2009-10-25T10:10:00.000-07:00

so i'm moving next week. this is a fast update:

Yesterday morning I packed my books (thanks Nicole for the smaller boxes), called the Salvation Army to arrange pickup for the furniture I am donating, and dropped off a box of smaller items at the Goodwill. I have been anxious for the last two months to clear out as much as possible as soon as possible so I will know what size storage unit to get for the stuff I cannot take with me.

I loaded more stuff for the yard sale into my car and hauled them over to Tonya's garage. I then spent the next 5 hours putting together the furniture that was delivered from Ikea. I finished the bed, desk and chair, and most of the dresser. I am still putting together the dresser drawers. YES AS A MATTER OF FACT I AM SORE AS ALL GET OUT. Thanks for asking.

Today I worked on my second essay for my midterm. It's finished except for the citations page. I have to format and cite my first essay as well. I also have approximately 100 pages to read, and a brilliant discussion post to write based on that reading. So no, I don't have to time to stop and play with you. Have fun at the park, movies, pool party, whatever it is you are doing. I will see you next week after I'm all settled in.

As a reward to all this hard work, I will be at Busch Gardens on Monday, November 2nd if you want to join me. I will be riding the outside seat on the front row of Sheik-Ra, barefoot just to terrify myself. Dare you to join me.

UPDATE: Midterm is finished and emailed. Life is good right about now. Except I'm still sore. And still have 40 scholarly pages to read. And a brilliant post to write. Carp. Talk to you next week.

UPDATE #2: Its Monday night. Today was like a day from the area of fire and brimstone. That being said, the not-so- brilliant post is completed and published. I'm wiped. My brain hurtz, but surprisingly enough, my muscles don't anymore. I totally deserve a trip to Busch Gardens. Still haven't found anyone willing to play hookey with me next week. Cowards.

Lesson from the little....

2009-10-18T15:55:00.000-07:00

Since I am moving in two weeks, I have had to go carefully through my belongings and decide what is worthy of keeping, storing, and what should be sold or donated. I cannot fit everything I own into one bedroom. While lots of stuff has been a "no brainer", there have been moments where this has become emotionally taxing. I keep going because I keep having this press from God to simplify my life as much as possible. I don't know why, but I think it will be awesome.

During this time I looked at my jewelry box and realized I would have no room for it. That didn't bother me one bit, since it never was on my list of favorite things. I knew I could let it go easily, so I put it in the box for yard sale. I then thought of my friend Danny, and his adorable 8 year old daughter. So I asked Danny if Emily had a jewelry box. He said, "No, but she thinks she needs one." I gave it to him for her.

The next day, I looked expectantly at Danny. Emily is the type of child who goes into raptures over presents. "Her mother wouldn't let me give Emily the jewelry box yesterday," he said. "She was naughty and is being punished." This went on for a couple more days. I thought it was kind of funny, and remembered how I was sassy to my mother at that age too. Danny said his closet shelf is collecting things for Emily that they cannot give to her because she is being so willful. And then the profound truth hit me: How often does God want to give us lovely blessings but cannot because we are too willful? God has called us to obedience, pure and simple. He tells us that He loves us as a father loves his children. Do you hear Him calling your name? Come into obedience with the One who loves you more than you can ever love yourself. Let Him give you the lovely gifts on His closet shelf.

stats stink sunday

2009-10-11T16:49:00.000-07:00

Diving right in...

Weekend was busy. I should have planned better. Saturday I got a haircut, which made me feel good. :) Problem is, it spoiled all other plans that had anything doing with the upcoming move.
Saturday night, the "Follow Me" concert was awesome!! It was so cool seeing Brandon Heath and Leeland up close and personal like that. Francesca Batistelli was awesome too. :)
This morning was church, followed by lunch at the church, followed by a trip to Lowe's for paint and supplies, followed by dropping that stuff at Tonya's, followed by a trip to Ikea.
Ikea was exhausting. I went up to the showroom to get the bin number for the dresser since I decided to get the white instead of the blue one. The I went up to the delivery service desk and found out that yes, I had to pull the stock myself. So I took my paper and went to the floor and pulled the stock. I was about to pull the bed when I realized that I wanted a different bed, and didn't have the stock number. The aisle was crammed with people and carts, so I gave up, and headed for checkout. After checkout, back to the delivery desk, where I found out to my dismay that I DIDN'T need 3 weeks leeway on delivery, and if they hold anything over 3 days, I would need to pay $5 a day for "storage" fees. Let me say, there was a guy who helped me find the right bin number, another guy who pulled the stock out for me, I arranged delivery for Wednesday night, and I was on my way not too long after that. But I was beat. The stuff was heavy, and pushing it around the floor on a cart was quite an exercise. I came home and I want to crash. Only problem with that? I have a midterm Thursday night...

Its a week later and my bum still itches...

2009-10-10T12:06:00.000-07:00

Last week I went to First Baptist Lutz for Judgement House. If you know what Judgement House is, skip to the next paragraph. Judgement House, for the uninitiated, is an huge production (like a play) set up in a church. Instead of sitting passively in your seats and watching a play on stage, you walk from room to room where the "scenes" are set up. It's a guided tour, and usually goes in groups of 10 or so people. Because you are walking and the actors are staying in each room, there are ways to identify the different characters as you go through. The Gospel is always presented, and you end with a glimpse of hell and a glimpse of heaven. It's very cool.

So I hooked up with my friend, Danyelle, and we were hanging out at the church prior to Judgement House. Since she teaches 3 and 4 year olds, she wanted to go early and get some things in order in her kids room before the production started. The building was locked and we had to wait for someone with a key. We sat on the little curb outside the church.

Now, those of you who live in Florida know what fireants look like, what their bite feels like, and will pretty much do anything to avoid those horrors. FBL has lots of fireants roaming the grounds. My first indication that something was wrong happened when I felt a tickle at the waistline of my jeans. I reached around and rubbed a little. Next thing I know, I feel a bite right around my tailbone. I jump up, slapping at the back of my jeans a little.

Danyelle wasn't paying much attention to me. I still felt like I could feel the darn ant crawling around. I wriggle accordingly. All the sudden she looks at me and was says something like, whats UP with YOU?? I give her a LOOK and go, I think I have ants in my pants. She laughed hysterically. Told me if that happened to her, she would hide behind the truck and strip off her jeans.

Finally I saw someone pull up and unlock the youth building, so I headed over there to visit the ladies room and check the damage. Yup, I had not one, but TWO fireant bites on my bum. Fortunately, I had benedryl cream with me. Unfortunately, its a week later, and my bum still itches -- although that might just be my imagination.

Judgement House was totally awesome. I was proud of the kids, sad cause I miss hanging with them, and excited for what God is doing in that church.

Advice for all single women....

2009-10-04T01:00:00.000-07:00

My very dear friend Evetta sent this to me in an email last year. I published this as a note on my old Facebook account, but I think it bears dusting off and republishing...

Words from Pastor Jamal Harrison-Bryant:
I often warn women who are contemplating marriage to marry someone who can take care of them. When a woman marries, it ought to be to someone who is capable of taking her to the next level. If she comes from poverty, there is no reason for her to get married and still be impoverished. The role of the man is to take her to another place. When she gets married, she ought to dress better, drive better, live better, and eat better, not constantly be in a struggle over where her next meal is coming from. My grandmother used to say, 'I can do bad all by myself'

For a woman desiring a mate, the objective, of course, would be to find a Christian man, who's settled, has goals, accomplishments and a job. But a goal-oriented and focused man can't just be approached any kind of way. So the woman who seeks this type of stability must make sure that she stands out above the crowd:
1. Make sure your relationship with the Lord is strong and growing.
2. Make sure that you are presentable. Working from the inside out, your presentation should be representative of both who you are and whom you seek. Appearance is a reflection of how you see yourself.
3. Have the ability to hold an intelligent conversation.
4. And most importantly, allow the Holy Ghost to take control. You don't need to go after him. He's going to come after you, because after he sees and smells you and knows that you're in his presence, he's going to want to know who you are!
I know there's somebody reading this who has been chasing after the 'man of your dreams,' but God says, 'Just sit still and allow patience to have her perfect work through Me. ' Furthermore, it's never a good idea to be too forward and too aggressive. Attempting to win a man's affection by jumping into bed with him will only backfire and cause him to lose interest in ever developing a lasting relationship.
It causes him to lose respect for you and question your character. However, if he sees that you are dressed with quality, that you smell like you are somebody, that you look like you're doing fine without him, then that will attract the right attention from him. He'll have no choice but to give you his attention. Stop looking so needy, climbing into bed, trying in vain to capture a man's heart.

God woke me up in the middle of the night and said, 'The same thing that Naomi told Ruth to do is the same thing that I want them to do for me.' God is so sick of saints coming to Him trying to get a quickie and never romancing Him for Who he is - going to church screaming, shouting and hollering, but hadn't been intimate with God all week long! Stop trying to treat God like a sugar daddy and start romancing Him with worship and praise: 'I'm yours Lord...everything I've got...everything I'm not!'

The God we serve, which is the God of love, demands and requires of us foreplay before He gives us what we need. In the book of Ruth, the mother-in-law tells Ruth, 'You have to wash.' John 15:3 reminds us, Now ye are clean through the word which I have spoken unto you. When you sit in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, you are taking a shower. When you hear the unadulterated Word of God, then the dirt and grime that you've accumulated all week long begins to wash off of you. Ask God to 'create in you a clean heart and renew a right spirit.' Stand in the word. Then wait upon the Lord to renew your strength. Pass this on to those who have found or are seeking Mr. Right. This message is not directed at the receiver, it is directed to women I know that touch other young women that can benefit from this information. We are to be Naomi's of the world today.
Our young women need to be informed of how to catch and keep a man that will respect them.

P. S. Pass this on to every woman you know!

If he can't meet you where you are....leave him where he's at!

God's Original Masterpeice.

2009-10-03T19:24:00.000-07:00

God doesn't make junk. Get a better internal language, and talk to God about your issues.

Watch the video. It's powerful.

God's Original Masterpiece

God's weird sense of humor....

2009-09-28T18:00:00.000-07:00

Evidently putting a status on Facebook like: "I'm moving to Riverview. God has a weird sense of humor..." starts controversy. Somewhere, someone believes that using the name of God and the word "weird" in the same sentence, is the height of blasphemy.

Here is the argument (last names blocked out for privacy purposes, of course):

So my question is: Do you think God's will involve humor or not? Leave me comments. :)

(((HUGS)))
G

PS. Don't call me Gill. I hate it.

Stats Stink Sunday...

2009-09-27T07:21:00.000-07:00

Seriously, if you don't know the drill, dive into my archives...

1. Still on the emotional rollercoaster. Only thing I can say is I'm taking this one moment at a time. Right now I'm great, but an hour from now, maybe not. So just taking it moment by moment and looking to God, my creator, to help me sort it all out. At this point there are a very large number of things going on that make me feel like I'm getting hit on all sides. I am leaning heavily on the Word and on God's truth. Otherwise, I'd be writing this from a mental institution.

2. On Tuesday, out of crippling depression, came a "modern" story that I needed to write for my lit class. It is one of the best things I have ever written. I wonder if I need to trade in my happy self for some real writing talent. I think I'd rather be happy. There was nothing really encouraging about the story I wrote. (and because of that, no, I WON'T be publishing it here...)

3. My apartment is a mess of empty boxes and stuff sitting in stacks all over. I can't wait to move already. Could have something to do with all the mood swings -- I prefer stability, and right now I feel pretty unstable.

4. Since I have always eaten emotionally, I am speculating that a lot of the depression and mood swings is also coming out of the weight loss. As the layers of fat are coming off, so are the emotions they used to suppress... I really need to start working out again. It will get the endorphins going.

5. God is good, all the time. I posted yesterday about struggling with bitterness. I went to church last night and the pastor was talking about reaping what you sow. I realize that I am an overcomer in Christ, and what I am currently sowing in my walk with God will yield good harvest 10 years from now. If I continue to sow seeds of bitterness and hatred, I will reap a sour harvest at some point in the future. God will not let us wallow in sin and self indulgence. He will intervene for the good of His children. He sent me Ephesians 4:31-32 to highlight an area I need to work on. As I turn this over to Him daily, I can recognize the lies of the enemy much faster, and remove the bad seed.

6. I am totally procrastinating my homework, so I'm closing this NOW. :0) Stay tuned for more "deep thoughts" (not really) later in the week.

(((HUGS)))
G

Bitterness...

2009-09-26T09:15:00.000-07:00

Ok, I'll admit it. Its the area I need to turn over to God. I'm working on it. Ephesians says:

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:31-32

I don't have a problem being tenderhearted. I am that way with my worst enemy. I can't stand to see anyone in pain. But it doesn't stop me from being bitter, hurt and angry when I feel betrayed. I know that God works all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose, so I know that God is working through people to hone me into the woman He wants me to be.

The problem is I have imaginary arguments with these people in my head. Sometimes I am cutting them down with cold hard logic, sometimes I am screaming angrily, berating them and killing them with words. In my head, the people who have "done me wrong" not only hurt me directly, but my lively imagination leads me to believe they are in collusion with others. In my imagination, they have conversations with others where I am the topic of derision. This is a lie of Satan, but it breeds bitterness, hurt and anger.

Some days are better than others. I see these people the way God sees them: as people who are also hurting. But some days the hurt and pain take over and its all I can do to get out of bed. I have a tremendous amount of pride, and I would never want someone to know just how badly I've been hurt by something they said or did. All I can say is God is working on me. I can only continuously turn this over to Him.

Last night in my lifegroup someone made the comment "You never know what is going on in someone's head. They can be all smiles and happiness on the outside, and inside they are a bundle of pain." My head snapped up and I thought, "Man, you just said a MOUTHFUL!"

So when someone does something to you, talks about you, slanders you, or is just plain rude and hurtful, remember my friend Josie's favorite saying: "Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle." Turn it over to God. Remember Ephesians 4:31-32. More than that, remember Jesus went through all of this too.

Stats Stink Sunday...

2009-09-20T18:15:00.001-07:00

Yah, still the same drill:

1. In the middle of reading Virginia Woolf's Jacob's Room. Very confusing. Reminds me of those pictograms my Dad used to go ape over...You know, the ones where you see these bright, geometrical designs, but a picture is hidden in the background and you have to unfocus your eyes to actually see it?

2. My sinuses are still draining. I'm ready for this to be OVER.

3. I finally hooked up my laptop to my new tv. Now I can use the tv as an external monitor. I can also use my laptop to play dvds on my tv. Hooray for modern technology. I can't believe I put up with that old tube tv for a whole year.

4. I found out that if I unplug the sound connector that hooks my laptop to the tv sound system, I can plug it into my ipod and play my ipod through my tv speakers. Awesome. Welcome to techonology 2009, Gillian.

5. I went to a partylight party Saturday night and won the door prize. Woohoo!! Since I never win ANYTHING, I was quite pleased. It is a silver lamp. Will look v nice in my new room. When I get to the new room, I'll post pics.

6. Went to Ikea today and am going to spring for a new bedframe, dresser, shelving units, desk and chair when I move in with Tonya. Just doing my part to contribute to economic recovery, y'all...

7. Sick of living in apartments. Looking forward to moving in with Tonya and living in a HOUSE!!!

God's Discipline...

2009-09-20T07:10:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday was my first official weekend at the Crossings. I was feeling a little stabby and resentful about going, and was having a very passive-aggressive reaction. I told God, "Ok, I'll GO to services, and attend Divorce Care, but I'm NOT getting involved in any other way until after Divorce Care is over!!" Yeah, right.

Last weekend's service was all about getting involved in a "life group". Life groups are small groups that meet in someone's home once a week. The Crossing has hundreds to choose from, depending on the night you prefer meeting, and the area where you want to meet. Pastor Greg was talking about how you need the protection, challenge and accountability of strong fellowships, referencing Ecclesiastes 4:8-12 (among others).

They had a kiosk set up in the lobby with pamphlets for each life group. I grabbed a pamphlet for the only South Tampa meeting on a Friday night, and a few that are meeting down in Riverview. Since I'm not moving until the end of October, I was on the fence about where to go and what to do. On Sunday, I called the couple hosting the South Tampa life group, and had to leave a message. I called again Tuesday night, no answer. I was a little wary at this point, and wasn't sure what to do. Friday morning I finally got a call back: somehow she had missed my message from Sunday and had just listened to it that morning.

I went, and was overwhelmed by how God works in each and every one of our lives. The group varies in age and their stories are soooo powerful. I felt instantly at home with all of these people, and the sense of community is awesome. I can definitely see that I am going to be challenged to grow and develop in this church. God knows what He is doing: I am being ministered to in divorce care on Tuesday nights (and yes, I definitely need this -- I have no idea why I was in denial for so long), and I am going to be challenged to dig deeper into the Word on Friday nights and in Sunday services.

The church has a couple of really cool classes. One is for new believers, called The Journey, which teaches basic Bible facts, and gets them settled on a firm Biblical foundation. The other is for newcomers, called 26.2, which helps them uncover their spiritual gifts and meet the leaders of the different ministries so they can get plugged in to serve. The next 26.2 starts October 11, and I will be going.

I am blessed beyond measure, and I know that God's discipline is painful when it comes, but it is always for our GOOD. I am so excited about the future!!

Blessed....

2009-09-16T15:41:00.001-07:00

So its been a raw week...lots of ups and downs. It started last Wednesday when I woke up a 4am feeling like I had razor blades in my throat. Turns out it was a sinus infection. Caught it fairly early, so I should be in good shape for not missing work. Plus, found out the official weight loss is up to 72lbs. Not a bad day. I'm contagious, so I get to work from home on Wednesday.

Thursday I woke up feeling like I had been hit by a Mac truck. Called out sick. Slept most of the morning. I ended up going to class Thursday night, only because I was getting a little stir crazy in my apartment. I had a scheduled day off on Friday, so I slept in, took it easy.

Friday night and Saturday morning, FBL had a Women's Conference called: Women who Trust. It was awesome!! For me, it was confirmation that I heard God correctly when I heard Him tell me to change churches and move to Riverview. I am taking a leap of dangerous faith since I love living by myself, and would never have thought that being in a new church would be a good thing for me at this stage in my life.

Saturday night (still feeling pretty yukky) I went to The Crossing for service. Now, I'm a little stubborn, and rather passive-aggressive at times. When I knew God was calling me there, I got an attitude...I was thinking, "Okay, God, I'll go, cause you're telling me. I'll even be happy because I know it's Your will, but I'm NOT jumping right into ANYTHING. I'll get involved after my divorce care class is over." (That will be in December.) The message was all about getting involved in a LifeCare group. NOW. Oy vey, I give up. I'm not going to stubbornly ignore God THIS time -- Life's too painful when I do that.

Sunday I slept in for the first time in almost 5 years...it was lovely.

My emotions really are on a roller coaster at the moment. It's better now than it was a month ago, when I was wallowing in my funk. I think it'll be a couple of more weeks until they stabilize again. I've been badly hurt, and I need to take time to heal. (Divorce care says 1 year for every 4 years of marriage...) One thing I've learned: I can't rush the healing process. (Cue the music: Only LOVE can Break the HEART, only LOVE can MEND it agaaaiiinnnn.) I've been broken, and only God and His love can put me back together, and make me function better than before.

(((HUGS)))
G

S.S.S.

2009-09-13T08:57:00.000-07:00

1. So I was pretty sick this week. Disappointing, since I was off Monday and Friday, and I ended up working from home on Wednesday and calling out sick Thursday. I hate calling out sick. I wanted to go to work because I have some interesting projects going. I was off on Friday anyway, but I spent the majority of the day battling my sinuses.

2. Friday was the 8th anniversary of the infamous 9-11 terrorist attack on the United States. This attack affected our entire country, destroyed our sense of safety, and has forever changed our definition of homeland security.

3. Football started Thursday night. I realized I still love the game, still miss Philly and its CRAZY fans, miss having someone to watch it with me.

4. Was at Westshore Pizza yesterday picking up a slice when a guy walks in with a black shirt printed with a Flyers logo (in black and grey) and a clover in the center. My face lit up and I think I said, FLYERS!! He laughed and said something about an "irish team". I left with my slice, and a longing for the crisp, cool, northern autumn air and all it portends in the sports world.

5. My life took a very drastic turn in the past couple of weeks. I had plans at the beginning of summer -- plans I believed that God was revealing slowly but surely. I have prayed all summer over where to live, how to proceed in ministry and what God wants for me, and from me. Turns out the plan changed. I am moving to Riverview, which is probably a 50 minute drive from Lutz, and I am now in a new church (The Crossing). It is AWESOME, and exactly what I need right now. I will miss my FBCL family, but I have some growing and stretching to do. It's not going to be easy -- I suspect there will be some extremely painful moments -- but I know that God has only the best for me, and I trust Him.

We will never forget...9-11

2009-09-11T06:24:00.000-07:00

Many other people will be posting personal accounts, and poignant memories of where they were and how they were affected by the terrorist attacks on 9/11/01. I didn't lose any friends or coworkers that day, but here's some strong memories:

The silence of the skies. There were no more airplanes flying overhead.
The feeling of loneliness. I had just moved to Georgia, I had not made friends yet, had no family there, and Chris was in Connecticut unable to fly home. I wasn't used to being alone during a crisis.
The surge of patriotism that followed. People had the Stars and Stripes flying from their cars, pinned to their clothing and hanging in every window. I remember longing to just take a road trip and photograph it all for posterity.
The surge of revival. Churches got flooded. That tide seems to have ebbed as time and distance work their magic and have dulled our senses.

Where ever you are, whatever you do, always take a moment on 9/11 to stop and remember the lives lost, the hatred that spurred it, and the war that has followed. Never forget.

Microwaves and Cell phones only mix if you're three...

2009-09-08T11:01:00.000-07:00

Text messages between me and my friend Sandi:

Sandi: My kids have never put pb sandwich in VCR or toys n toilet, but Hanna did cook Jesse's phone in microwave.

Me: OMG!! Is it totally fried??

Sandi: Yup! It smokes when you try 2 turn it on!
Sandi: Even the microwave is toast

Me: LOLOLOLOL!!!! Sorry. LOLOLOL!! You know I'm totally blogging this.

Sandi: What's a blog?

Stats Stink Sunday

2009-09-06T19:10:00.000-07:00

Ok, if you don't know the rules by now, read my archive...I'm too lazy to say this each week...

Welcome to Stats Stink Sundays where everything is random because noone reads it anyways...Just put a bunch of random thoughts in bullet points and you're done.

It was a busy, exhausting week. I was happy when the weekend arrived.
I had to buy a new work wardrobe because I've shrunk out of all my work clothes.
Happy Birthday to my friend Josie. Hope you enjoyed hanging at the Green Iggy. I surely did!
Today drained me out emotionally. Although I know I'm not saying a permanent goodbye to my friends at First Baptist Lutz, I am greatly saddened not to be worshiping and serving alongside them each week.
Looking forward to moving in with Tonya. My new neighbor has a pretty loud stereo at the moment. It will be nice to live in a house again after 7 years of apartment living.
A couple of weeks ago I posted a status on Facebook that started a debate about God's humor and His will. Not really sure why I was accused of being irreverent when I said "God has a weird sense of humor." but there you have it. As I was writing a blog about the ridiculousness of the whole thing, one of the people involved contacted me. I am still not sure why she felt she had to "defend her God and His word" against such an attack. And why, for heaven's sake, she thought it WAS an attack is beyond me. I believe I really will write more on this later in the week. After my homework is completed, of course.

That's it for now. More to come.

(((HUGS)))
G

the highlight of my week...

2009-09-02T13:50:00.000-07:00

well, there was more than one, so here goes...

Monday: Went out to Zephryhills Correctional Institute with the FBL choir and did our worship musical for the prisoners. They were awesome, and we had an absolute BLAST!! Best experience I've ever had participating as a worship leader.

Wednesday: The Bloggess finally published one of my questions. Just so you know, it was a joke (unless you actually ASK me about my ex -- then I'll get all stabby on you), and her response gave me the BEST belly laugh.

(((HUGS)))
G

SS Sundays....a day late....

2009-08-31T07:37:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Stats Stink Sundays where everything is random because noone reads it anyways...Mine is a day late -- so sue me...

1. The Choir did a special worship service Friday night and 2x Sunday. It was AWESOME! Get to do it one more time tonight with the prison ministry.

2. Saturday night my church had a dinner for everyone who went to Tahlequah, OK for the building mission. Food was awesome. They announced they are expanding missions to overseas. I put in my bid for Africa. Just sayin'...

3. Women (and unavailable men) keep complimenting me on how great I look since I've lost all this weight. I joke around a go...yeah, when are the guys going to notice...but secretly I get all warm and fuzzy inside. One of my favorite women at church told me I looked "stunning" on Sat night. Noone has EVER said that to me. Thank you, Jenny. :)

4. I went shopping and spent a whopping amount of money on a new dress because I looked hot wearing it and because it is officially the SMALLEST size I've purchased in something like 14 years. I cried when I put it on and realized how perfectly it fit.
5. Went back to school Thursday night. Taking a lit class called Modern Short Novels. Love it, love the teacher, loved the material. Should be a good semester!!

6. I'm moving to Riverview, which will take me really far away from my current church. I have found another church, but I am going to miss FBL like crazy. Change is good, but I resist it strongly. I'm moving in with a friend of mine, and it will enable both of us to hit some significant financial goals over the next year or so. I'm excited, just sad to be leaving my church. They are like family to me, and have been soooo supportive over the past 5 years.

7. I have something going on every night this week. I think I will keep next weekend free of any plans. After this week things should settle down. Looking forward to it.

the promised weight loss blog...

2009-08-17T16:59:00.000-07:00

A lot of people have approached me lately asking how I lost so much weight. Getting the total from the doctor last week was so cool! 64 lbs is a small child.

After my ex moved out, I knew I needed to take time for myself. I desperately needed emotional and mental healing. Living with an alcoholic for 11 years takes its toll on your psyche. I decided to join a Bible study called "Get Thin, Stay Thin". The premise of the study is that we all have a silent hunger that only God can fill, and we try to fill it with other things: Food, alcohol, drugs, shopping, smoking -- you name it. I recognized that in myself, and went to work on three things:
1. Eating only when I was truly hungry. Yes, this meant waiting until my stomach was absolutely growling before I would eat.
2. Stopping when I was comfortable. This meant eating slowly and paying attention to my body.
3. Turning to God and praying through the negative emotions so I would not stuff food in my mouth when I didn't need it.

There were some things that naturally happened as a result in the changes to my lifestyle. For instance: Every weekend we would hit a bar, pig out on fried foods, and drink. We also had deep fried take out at least once or twice during the week. After he left, I stopped doing that. Not that I avoided fried foods completely, but it was a once-in-a-while occurrence, rather than a daily thing. I cut alcohol out of my life completely (it has a high sugar content) which has been a huge help to the weight loss.

A lovely woman at church gave me a book called Fit for Life. I picked it up in January (I was approximately 40 lbs down at this point) and decided it was a bit extreme. I intended on trying it for a while and seeing how it went, but I always seemed too busy to follow the principles. One thing that did catch my eye, though, was the promise that it could alleviate allergy symptoms. On February 27, after being diagnosed with yet another sinus infection, I decided to go for it.

Primarily my diet is now fresh fruit and raw vegetables. I eat very little bread and meat, although pasta is still part of my daily diet (more for convenience than anything else). I have lost approximately 20 more pounds since switching, and I feel a LOT healthier. I have lots more energy.

I threw my bathroom scale in the dumpster when I moved out of my last apartment. I don't want to measure my success in terms of pounds, but am choosing instead to just, well, let it be. I feel good that I am losing weight, especially since I have dropped 5 clothing sizes since last summer. Ultimately, though, I feel a lot better about myself. The weight loss is just a by-product of that. I am in a "safe" environment now, and God is working wonders in my life.

Here are some more pics that represent the journey.

June 2008

January 2009

April 2009

July 2009
Now:

SS Sundays....

2009-08-16T15:31:00.000-07:00

It's stats stink Sunday. The idea is since stats stink for blogging on Sundays, just post a bunch of random thoughts in bullet points...Here's my week in reverse.

Set up my "new to me" flat screen hdtv. its SWEET! I've been living with a monolith (11 yr old tube tv) for a year, so purchased a used tv at a good price.
finally got home after a day of running. church, lunch, super walmart, etc...it was an emotional day, so i'm tired.
Saturday was a Women's prayer ministry meeting, hanging with Nana at micky d's while a friend changed the oil in my car, and church with cheryl and mike.
friday i left work, picked up my new to me tv, stopped for oil and a filter, stopped at cheryl and mikes and let the dogs out (woof woof), went to a friends house for game nite. Go word games!! I LOVE WINNING. (hehehe)
New tires on my car on thurs. Yay. Car rides much better.
Wednes I felt like I was in the middle of a perfect storm. So many things went wrong. Everything seems to have righted itself, thank God. I appreciate good friends who are willing to be a shoulder for me to cry on.
I am looking forward to a more integral role in youth ministry. More than anything I want to fulfill God's purpose in my life.

That's it for now. I'll post a more detailed weight loss blog tomorrow night. :)

Postive Post Tuesday

2009-08-11T17:27:00.001-07:00

I've lost 64 lbs since 8/21/2008.

Then:

Now:

Ninjas took my wallet...and other items I found this weekend

2009-08-02T17:17:00.000-07:00

Friday night I was going out to The Garden for a 40th birthday party. In preparation, I emptied my license, ATM card, credit card, and miscellaneous health care cards out of my ginormous wallet into my tiny purse. I threw some makeup and my blackberry in the bag and took off for the Garden. It was an AWESOME time!!

Saturday, I got up and went to breakfast with Nana. I looked absolutely adorable (smaller clothes -- that's another blog) and I had everything I needed for the morning. When I got home, I changed for tailgating at the Rays game, and went for my wallet, but it was gone. Now, I have an extremely small apartment, and I was secure in the knowledge that I had that wallet in my hand, inside my apartment on Friday night. So I searched methodically, starting with my recliner, because I was pretty sure I put my lazy behind in my comfy recliner while I was going through my wallet. Nothing. Thirty minutes goes by, no wallet.

I texted my friends and let them know my predicament: my ticket to the Rays game was in that wallet. Otherwise, there was no reason I would bother to look for it, or miss it. I checked my car three times. I tilted my recliner up to see if it fell underneath. I searched my laptop bag, unzipping all the front pockets. Nothing. I felt sick. One of my friends texted me back that she had an extra ticket and was leaving for the game, so I jumped in my car and met her there.

I had a great time at the game. When I got home, I looked some more. No wallet. I could only conclude that either I was overlooking something obvious, or ninjas had broken into my apartment and taken my wallet, leaving my laptop, jewelry, and all of my outdated electronic equipment sitting there. They were SO good, they even LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND THEM, Y'ALL!!

Today I got home from church, reached down next to the sofa and grabbed my laptop bag. It was heavier than it should be. Suspiciously I reached into the pocket that holds my laptop and pulled out the missing money holder. Amazingly enough, the NINJAS had broken back in and REPLACED it...they KNEW I was on to them...

Also recovered today: my missing sleeping bag and tools from my trip to Tahlequah. The story is this as follows:
While in Tahlequah, I gave my sleeping bag and tools to Sam to put in the church van on the return trip so I would not need to carry them on the plane. When the church van returned a week later, Sam told me my stuff was probably in the Student Ministry building. I found Kyle, our youth pastor, and asked him if he had knew where the stuff was, and he denied all knowledge. Sam concluded that my tools and sleeping bag had gotten thrown into the church's trailer, which was now in its "garage". There isn't enough room in the garage to open the trailer, so I was going to have to wait until they pulled the trailer back out to get my stuff. No biggie -- just a minor inconvenience.

Imagine, then, my surprise today when Kyle pulls a box out of his office and announces an "Auction". There, on the top, I recognize my sleeping bag. Sure enough, it was in a box in his office for the last three weeks. The part that remains unclear is who had it from the time it disappeared out of the church van, until the time it appeared in Kyle's office. Since he is the Absent Minded Pastor (or really busy -- depends on who you believe), he left it there until it started bugging him. Thank God he didn't pull that box out last week when I was busy singing with the choir in both services, and wouldn't have been there to lay claim to my stuff.

So there you have it. Ninjas broke into my apartment TWICE, and they ALSO broke into our Youth building. Go figure.

SS Sundays....

2009-08-02T17:08:00.000-07:00

So, it seems like the only posts I do anymore are the bulleted SSS posts...

Busy weekend.

1. Friday night was a birthday party at The Garden in St. Pete. Live jazz, good food, lots of fun.
2. Saturday morning was breakfast with "Nana", looking at apartments, and then the Rays game. Same people who were at The Garden were at the Rays. Some interesting, and enlightening conversations took place. I am still considering whether or not to blog them, and how to do it.
3. Sunday I was up early to prayer walk at the church, stayed after to help one of my kids from youth group babysit while her mom sat through a financial peace class. Then took a tour of a brand new construction site and decided that's where I want to live. A little pricey, but it will be worth it. Florida is so hot, and I felt so sticky and nasty that when I got home into the air conditioning, I decided to stay put.

SSS and random stuff

2009-07-05T14:32:00.000-07:00

Wow. I can't believe it's been almost a month since I last wrote anything. Life is so busy!!

Since this is Stats Stink Sunday, here's the last 4 weeks in bullet points.

1. Left for Tahlequah, OK on June 13th. Went with a huge group of people from my church and we were building a new sanctuary for First Indian Baptist Church. We took a cement slab with nothing and erected walls, put on a roof, ran electric & ac, put on siding and insulation, and installed a Baptistery. I got mortally wounded, but more on that with another post. LOL

2. Because of the mortal wound mentioned above, and because I've been unaccountably exhausted since returning from OK, I haven't been working out in the mornings since I got back. I'm looking forward to returning to the routine.

3. I may have been unaccountably exhausted because I loved being in Tahlequah so much that I wanted to stay for the second week. They put in drywall and painted some rooms in the existing buildings. I think I was kinda depressed that I had to come home.

4. At work, we attempted to close out the books on June 30th but it didn't go well. Let's just say we had load bearing issues on servers while trying to accommodate 30k people submitting final time and expense for the fiscal year and it didn't go well. We extended the deadline by 1 day. It was unprecedented and exhausting.

5. I'm having one of those years when all of my friends are pregnant. I'm genuinely happy for all of them (there's at least 5 here in my home city). Seriously. I love the idea of being able to spoil their kids and give them back. :D

6. Decided I'm still not ready to plunge into the dating scene. I don't know if I'm just being cowardly, or if I'm being smart and giving myself time. There were a few weeks when I really, really, really wanted to jump back into the pool (so to speak), but that seems to have faded and I'm once more focused on the goals I need to accomplish over the next 18 months.

7. I wonder if I can pre-qual for a mortgage? I think I'll call a broker this week...

8. Next up: Daytona with the Highschoolers on July 13th...

((((HUGS)))) G

Gearing up for Oklahoma...

2009-06-10T19:05:00.000-07:00

So I was planning on writing a lengthy blog on Monday night, but I got all caught up in sending a lengthy email to a friend instead. To my friend: I apologize, I know you're busy, and probably had time to do more than skim. Next time I'll do better, and blog what should have been blogged. To everyone else: I'm leaving for Oklahoma at 3:15am Saturday. I suspect I will be very tired, but very happy to be disconnected from this monster called the internet. I need the break from work, and from myself. I have been living all wrapped up in my own head for too many weeks now. Next week is all about service: it's all about being "others" focused. I am soooo stoked to go!!

So I will see you all on the flip side, hopefully with some pics and tons of renewed positive energy.

:)

Meantime, don't forget to have a good night and a pleasant tomorrow! <3

Sick, and other random stuff

2009-06-05T15:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I left work early because I was sick. I burned a fever that medicine would not reduce. I came home, took a nap, and wound up feeling LOTS better.

This morning I got up and had to evaluate: Am I still sick, or am I being lazy and not wanting to go to work? I opted to go, but was not my usual high-energy, chipper self. Around 11am I went into a meeting and sat for almost 15 minutes in total silence, unable to follow the conversation. I left at noon. I napped off and on all afternoon, and around 4:30 the stomach cramps hit. Let's just say, I'm glad I didn't stay at work.

Moving on:

I had a couple of awesome devotion experiences this week that I wanted to share.

1. REALLY Bad Girls of the Bible. I am reading this book by Liz Curtis Higgs. From the start she slayed me. The first chapter is about mediums, witchcraft and sorcery. Now, I have never practiced any of those things, and I certainly have never endorsed them....or have I?

From the time I was old enough to read, I read my horoscope. There it was, at the bottom of the comics page, and I read the comics every morning. So I would read my horoscope. What kind of day will I have today? This led to something a little less innocent.

After I graduated high school, I picked up a book about the zodiac. I never took it home from the library, but I did read enough to get some ideas. One of the things I picked up on was compatibility. The idea behind this is the love of your life is someone who has a zodiac sign compatible with yours. I remember asking my sister if my fiance and I were compatible. She said "Well, you are an earth sign, and he is a water sign, so together you make mud!" She was joking, but went on to say that the signs were actually compatible.

The fact that the marriage didn't last should be enough to show me that the zodiac is a bunch of hooey. Recently, though, I actually went out to one of the websites to see if my sign was compatible with someone else's sign. OUCH. Deuteronomy 18:10-11 says: Let no one be found among you who...practices divination or sorcery, interprets omens, engages in witchcraft, or casts spells, or who is a medium or spiritist or who consults the dead.

Liz Curtis Higgs writes: "Horoscopes, palm readers, telephone psychics are worse than hoaxes or pleasant diversions -- they can cost us our souls"(33).

Make no mistake. This is a slippery slope. Consulting the zodiac for your future can lead to seeking more and more answers, and lead one deeper and deeper into the occult. The modern day mediums market their wares as spiritual, god-driven, and use terms like healing, empowering, respected, and wisdom.

Listen up: God is the judge here, and when He says He ABHORS something, we really need to sit up and pay attention. I wish I could wipe my mind clean of what I learned on that website, but I can't. So I ask God to forgive me, and I move forward knowing that He is going to provide me with the person who is perfect for me, and the zodiac can kiss my....well, you get the picture.

2. During my daily reading this week I came across this story of David at the end of his life. The scripture is 2 Samuel 21:15-22.
Israel is at war with the Phillistines (again), and David is again up against a giant. He is weak, frail, and about to be killed when one of his warriors rescues him and slays the giant. Verses 16 - 22 go on to tell us about 3 additional giants that were slain by 3 additional warriors. I started thinking: "What if David hadn't slain Goliath at age 17?" What if he had failed in his faith, and not won that awesome victory? Israel's history would have been much different, and 4 more giants from Gath would not have been taken down.

What giants have you slain in the name of Jesus? Are you sharing these victories with others? What if the reason you are going through a hard time is to give others the courage to get through their own personal Goliath?

3. Since I am reading the One Year Through the Bible, today's scripture was again about David. A little more puzzling to me, and actually gave me more questions than answers. The scripture reference is 2 Samuel 24. The gist of it is this:
a. God was angry at Israel.
b. God caused David to take a census, David tells Joab, and Joab protests, but obeys.
c. After the census, David's conscience begins to burn, and he asks God for forgiveness.
d. God gives three choices: 3 years or famine, 3 months of fleeing, OR 3 days of severe plague.
e. David throws himself on the mercy of God and allows Him to choose the punishment. It is the plague, and in 3 days 70,000 people are killed.

So my questions are: 1. Why was God angry? 2. Why did he "cause" David to sin, and then in turn punish Israel?

Thoughts on this are welcome...leave me a comment.

My Cup Overfloweth

2009-05-31T18:01:00.000-07:00

Last week I received a round trip ticket to fly to Philly and see my family. I went up this weekend, and got to spend some awesome time with my youngest niece, as well as other members of my family.

I have a fairly large family, and I try to get back whenever I can because we are all very bad at communicating, so sometimes the trips back are the only times I get to talk to my older siblings. It seems like every time we see each other we vow to keep in closer contact, only to not do it. This trip had so little advanced notice, and was so short, I decided to simply play the whole weekend by ear. As a result, I got to see 1 brother, 1 sister and 2 cousins.

1 brother: Cliff. He has a wife and baby. The baby will be 1 in two weeks. She is so adorable, and so much fun to be around. I fell in love with her over Christmas holidays, and she just continues to steal my heart every time I'm around her.

1 sister: Judy. She's the oldest girl, and went out of her way to make sure she stopped by to see me. I was thrilled to hang with her and her husband for a little bit. We hardly ever talk, but I think we should more often! :0)

Cousin 1: Michelle. I miss her. She's one of my closest friends, and has been since high school. At the moment, we are both single, so we spent some good 'girly' time talking about guys. :)

Cousin 2: Virginia. God knew she needed me this weekend. I love her dearly, and am closer to her than my sisters. She desperately needed encouragement, and God worked it out that we were able to spend time together -- away from our families -- and just chill out. I hope that I was the vessel God needed me to be today. I am sad that I don't live up there and can't help her in more practical ways but I am - no doubt about it - called to stay in Tampa.

Wednesday night a friend lent me a book called The Names of God to read on the plane. It was supposed to be The Screwtape Letters, but he needed that one, so he impulsively gave me The Names of God instead. I have heard quite a bit of the information in this book before, but it was good to have a refresher. I'm positive it was a God thing, because of the encouragement that book has given me. I am so peaceful right now, so secure in what God will do for me. I want to hold onto this feeling forever. My cup overfloweth.

Next up: Tomorrow night I am playing "photographer" for a wing eating competition. Wednesday night starts a new session for the choir. I think I'll keep my mouth shut this time around. Avoid that solo...

May the love of our Lord, Jesus Christ, consume your heart and make you whole.

Stats stink sunday...

2009-05-24T15:55:00.000-07:00

Its been a weird couple of weeks....

1. Policy change in expenses at work have left us slammed with calls, resulting in a bit of OT (never a bad thing)...

2. I finished up the spring semester at school on April 29th, and started what felt like a whirlwind social life. This weekend is the first I've been primarily at home all month. I kinda like it.

3. Divorce was finalized on Thursday. I am just happy its behind us, and we can both move forward from here. I was pretty nervous to see him, but once I saw him I didn't really have any reaction other than relief that he showed up. Not that I thought he wouldn't, but still, he was coming to FL from NJ. It is a bit of a hike for for a 10 minute hearing.

4. So just for kicks, because of the ads for "free communication" I opened a profile on eHarmony. Found some interesting people. Not really positive that I'm ready. My ex left for NJ on 8/1 of last year, and I've been on my own, healing and moving forward since then. The thought of being back in the "dating pool" is a little terrifying. I feel kinda sorry for the first few guys I meet, 'cause I'll probably have a lot of dating gaffs while trying to figure out how much to reveal and how much to keep to myself when it comes to my last relationship. I guess if a guy can stomach those kinds of mistakes, he might be the kind of guy with whom I should be involved. hahaha. Meantime, my focus is FORWARD with these goals: finishing school, losing the excess weight, and becoming debt free.

5. I should really have led with this one, cause its GREAT, and I'm all about good stuff...but since there was some not so hot news earlier in the post, I can wrap up with something awesome. :)

Friday afternoon in our team chat my manager mentions he has credits for southwest airlines about to expire. He's willing to negotiate a reasonable price in exchange. I laughed and said I would love to use them, but the only "price" i could afford was free. Long story short, I'm flying home to see my folks this weekend. YAY!! The only thing my manager is asking me to do: Feed my teammates something homemade... I THINK I might be able to handle that...

Down side: I have an appointment for a haircut that will need to be juggled, I'll miss Lindsay's graduation :( and Ashlie's baby shower. :((. Other than that, it'll be good to see my parents again.

6. Up next: Oklahoma on June 13th. Can't wait, but I guess I must!

7. One of my fellow bloggers signs his posts: All the Love in the Universe, ME. I love that. I wish I had thought of it first. O well.

Have a FABULOUS week! :)

help menus

2009-05-14T16:39:00.000-07:00

Tonight I realized I'm not as tech savvy as I used to think. In fact, the longer I work in tech support, the more I realize how little I actually do know. Case and point:

1. Last week my neighbor, Amanda, was trying to show me some photos on her laptop. She was all freaked out because of virus warnings. She looked at me with her big brown eyes and said, "What should I do??!!!" I told her to run her antivirus scan. Advised her to keep her antivirus software current. Don't mess with viruses. Get whatever the latest greatest software is available to protect your computer. I know nothing about viruses, other than they are more often than not, very BAD news. I contracted the Facebook virus back when it was going around. That's when I realized I know nothing about viruses. Fortunately I work with some very talented people who do, but sadly my laptop still needed reimaged.

2. Due to MySpace I had some basic understanding of HTML. That is not to say I know anything about building web pages, because I don't. I learned that during my final project for my Advanced Tech Writing class. We had to put together a website and load sample pages onto it. I ended up paying for a host with a template so I wouldn't have to sit and figure it all out. One of my goals this summer is to learn the basics, so I can get my own site (gilliankilbride.com) up and running.

3. I deal with idiots on the phone all the time. People with CPA licenses asking me questions about why their corporate cards are not balancing. It blows my mind. What I have come to understand from these people is that an application is NOT "user friendly" if they have to read directions to understand how to use it. I'm actually ok with that. It gives tech support job security. So imagine my consternation when I had this thought cross my mind: "I can't understand why my iTunes won't play the whole dang playlist instead of just one song!! I've searched and searched for options but there aren't any! So much for Apple being user friendly!" DO'H!!!!

No, I never read the directions. Guess I should go now and read the help menu. Then I wouldn't be sitting here in silence trying to figure out what I want to blog about next.

The sobering, the good, the funny, and the down right hilarious...

2009-04-30T17:48:00.000-07:00

The sobering:
I emptied my mailbox after ignoring it for over a week, which is kinda normal for me. I think my mailman hates me. Anyways, divorce court officially notified me that our final hearing is May 21st. I already knew that. Hubby texted me at work last Friday to tell me. What was sobering is they tell you how much time they set aside for the hearing. Ten minutes. Ten minutes to end 11 years of marriage. How bout that.

The good:
School semester is finally over. I didn't study all weekend even though my facebook friends were ~~lied to~~ misled about that on Sunday. I actually went through the four tests we took during the semester on Monday and Tuesday nights, looked over another on Wednesday during lunch, and then went and took the test. My grade on the final exam was a 90, which pulled my shaky overall "B" up onto more solid ground. You may wonder why this was so important. Here you go:
1. The CLAST exam -- Florida's way of wringing more money out of its adult students is to force them to take a College Level Academic Skills Test. There is a math and an english section. I was already exempt from the English section because of all my English courses that transferred in from Temple University. The Math section is another story. I had not fulfilled my liberal arts requirements in Math, so no exemption there. I have had a CLAST hold put on my registration every semester since I reenrolled in school. I even sat through the CLAST and missed passing by SEVEN lousy points...sheesh. To be exempt, you have to have a 2.5 or better in two math classes. Stats is listed as one of those classes. The letter grade "B" puts me in the category of 3.0, so yay to the "B".
2. Reimbursement -- Work will only reimburse the course if you receive a letter grade of "B" or better.
3. Pride -- Pure and simple, I really didn't want to fail at anything. I have been humbled though, because that grade was made possible only through prayer.

The Funny:
I met Heather and Shayne during my first semester back in school. We used to sit through the boring tech writing class and laugh constantly. Since then, Heather and I have taken every writing class together (5 total), and Shayne has been in a couple of our classes too.

Last night Heather and Shayne had a final in a literature class they were taking together, and I had my Stats final. We hooked up afterwards at my favorite TexMex place, Tia's and hung out for a bit. I had my camera, and we had a blast. Heather took six pictures of me and Shayne together, and not ONE turned out well...They made me laugh the whole night, and I realized that I really am so much happier than I was a year ago.

Anyways, eating after 8pm is normally a huge no-no for me, and I remembered why at 3:30 in the morning when mild indigestion woke me up. After 1/2 an hour of tossing and turning, I got up and did my daily devotion. This morning on facebook, my status read:
NOTE TO SELF: No texmex btwn 8-10pm. It causes indigestion at 3:30am. NOTE TO SELF #2: Buy alka seltzer.

I finished reading and praying by 6am, so I set my alarm to go off in an hour and dosed off. I think what followed was hilarious, but I am giddy from lack of sleep.

The hilarious:
During my dosing time between 6am and 7am, I dreamed that my ex moved into my dining room. All his stuff: Bed (queen sized) book shelves (he doesnt own more than a couple of books) and a couple of chairs. Mind you, I live in a one bedroom apartment with about 800 sq ft. My dining room wouldn't accomodate most table and chairs, let alone a full set of furniture.

I was worried (in my dream) that I had woken him up by getting up at 4:00 with indigestion. He assured me this was not the case. I asked him when he was leaving, and he indicated that he wasn't planning on it. I told him he had to be out by the end of May, and started pointing out all the stuff he had to take with him when he goes. I woke up ~~when my neighbors pounded on the door to ask why I was~~ screaming.

Anyways, thats a REALLY long post. All that to say I'm so blessed to have people in my life who care, who make me laugh out loud, and who smack me around when I'm being stupid. You know who you are, and I love you.

Spiritual Gifts

2009-04-26T15:37:00.000-07:00

Last August I somehow became involved in the College Ministry. It's an interesting story of me drifting aimlessly into the youth leadership planning meeting and leaving with the vague idea that I would be co-leading the group. While things didn't exactly work out that way, and the Children's ministry pulled me away for a whole month, I am now spending my time with the college kids, building relationships.

One of the students, still a fairly new christian, wanted to investigate the subject of spiritual gifts, so the teacher collaborated with one of the pastors and we ended up with a packet of information to sift through, and some dvds to watch.

The booklets begin with 129 statements and a rating scale of 1-5. The instructions are to label each statement according to the rating scale: 1 is least like you and 5 is most. Through lots of complicated instructions and processes I won't detail here, you could easily see on a grid all of the spiritual gifts, and which one was strongest for you. Mine was encouragement. But I already knew that. I took a very similar test in Atlanta 7 years ago, and had the exact same gift. What did surprise me was the 2 runners up. In the prior test they were Hospitality and Service. This time it was Faith and Evangelism. I know my faith is very strong, and I know I have come a long way from my upbringing, but I had no idea I would score so highly in the evangelism category. I will address the reasons for surprise in a future blog.

Overall, although the test was helpful, it served only to confirm to me what the Holy Spirit was already working in me during the past six months. My gifts and personality traits (there was a personality test in the packet also) are uniquely suited to things like choir, prayer, counseling, and discipleship. It struck me today as we were watching one of the dvd lessons that go along with the packet: part of the reason I have a fountain of joy in the middle of pain is because I am following the Spirit's lead. I am actively encouraging people, began prayer walking in January, and am currently building relationships that will hopefully have an influence on others' walks with Christ.

All this is not to toot my own horn, but to encourage you to pray and ask God for direction in where and how you should serve. You should not be feeling frustrated and burnt out over what you are doing for Jesus, but instead feel fulfilled. I know my spiritual journey in the last year has taken me down a very strange path. But now, in the middle of great stress (school, divorce, and other stuff) I have indescribable JOY.

The OTHER 25 things u never wanted to know about me....

2009-04-22T15:49:00.001-07:00

1. I try to always put Jesus first.
2. My gift is encouragement and service
3. I love school, although I complain about it a lot. :)
4. My quiet time is my source of strength
5. I collect angel ornaments
6. I miss my family, but love florida too much to move back to philly.
7. I am the youngest of nine kids, and so far I have 28 nieces and nephews
8. I love candles...but due to allergies have to be careful with scents -- no floral
9. I don't like feeling like I have failed at something.
10. I am doing this to avoid my homework.
11. I want to go skydiving
12. I want to learn scuba diving
13. I love socializing, but I value my down time too.
14. Eclectic taste in music -- christian, blues, jazz, rock, pop, and yes, even SOME country.
15. i LOVE to read.
16. i LOVE music.
17. Live concerts are the BOMB!!
18. I have visited every state on the east coast
19. I want to go to Israel and Africa
20. I LOVE my apartment, but I wish that I had moved closer to Lutz.
21. I find I am more on guard with people now than I used to be.
22. I don't know what "Paul is the OG" means
23. If I could live anywhere in the USA i would stay here.
24. I believe that God holds my future securely in His hands.
25. I feel more like a dire warning than a good example.

Top 25...all you never wanted to know about me.

2009-04-22T15:46:00.000-07:00

Top 25

1. I eat pasta with butter and Kraft Parmesan. Can't be any other brand, it must be Kraft.
2. I rarely eat pasta anymore because I ALWAYS overeat when I do have it.
3. My mom used to cook spaghetti sauce with onions, which I hate, hence #1
4. I can cook, but I choose not to for just me
5. Since Chris left I have to have the closet door closed, otherwise I can't sleep.
6. 7 months later, I still sleep on the right side of the bed. That’s quite a bit of bed unused since it’s a king.
7. I have no tv in the bedroom, so I have trouble falling asleep. I purchased a nature sounds clock which helped a little, but all the sudden I can't sleep when it's on "sounds of the ocean" (my fav setting). Go figure.
8. I love sports. Football, hockey and even baseball, but never basketball. Although I still root for Philly teams, I find myself slowly shifting allegiances to Tampa teams.
9. That being said, when I attended the Flyers/Lightning game I WAS wearing a Flyers jersey, and I was really happy they won.
10. I have a very acerbic sense of humor, probably why I laugh hysterically every time I read Jenny's blog. http://thebloggess.com/ (not my sister jenny)
11. I am really nice except for certain times of the month, when I become a sarcastic witch.
12. I try really hard to control the sarcastic witch.
13. I believe in personal responsibility. I get really irritated when people try to shift blame to others.
14. Even though Chris chose to leave, and not get counseling, I still sometimes blame myself for the fact that our marriage failed.
15. I am extremely idealistic (could be part of the problem with #14)
16. Before Chris was hospitalized, I was a fairly aggressive driver. Now I'm the person in the far left lane lollygagging at 60mph. Life took on new meaning after he almost died.
17. I'm an incurable romantic. I love Phantom of the Opera, Pretty Woman and Pride and Prejudice, and I still believe in happily ever after.
18. I rarely watch TV anymore. I'm way too busy and never home.
19. I love being around people who challenge me intellectually
20. The people at First Baptist Lutz are a second family to me. I love spending time there because of their warmth and friendship.
21. You can purchase my heart with dark chocolate, and it doesn't need to be godiva. :D
22. I love to read. Sometimes I still carry books into the bathroom with me. My mom used to do this so I come by it honestly. With 9 kids, its probably the only quiet time my mom ever got.
23. I love kids and want my own someday
24. I love being on my own right now, even though it's sometimes scary
25. If something is bothering me, I talk about it nonstop until it's out of my system. I feel sorry for the people around me during this time, but it's almost like an obsessive compulsive disorder. I try really hard to control that too.

Women of Influence

2009-04-14T16:19:00.001-07:00

Mother's Day is coming. I have a question: Is there a woman (other than mom) who has had tremendous influence on you? If so, who was it and how?

I wrote in an earlier post about how God was pressing me to prayer. January, I started getting up early on Sunday mornings, riding up to church and doing a prayer walk before services started. This was not my idea. Pure and simple, I would never have thought of it on my own.

Aside from Susie Walther, the woman who has single-handedly had the most influence on my spiritual walk was Karen Shogren. I met Karen when I was living in Georgia, attending Crossroads Community Church. I don't remember exactly HOW we met, but she invited me to join her and a team of people on Saturday nights in praying over the church. Karen described herself as a prayer warrior. It sounded a little strange to me, this praying over the church, but at the same time it made perfect sense. Each Saturday night, the pastor, worship leader, and a small group of people would gather in the sanctuary. We would lay hands on the pastor and worship leader and pray over them. Then everyone would take a section, and every chair in the sanctuary would get prayed over. We would then spread out through the classrooms and pray over those, also.

One Sunday morning I met Karen just before service and she was radiant. I had never seen anyone look so beautiful, and whenever I think of her, this is how I see her. She was glowing. I told her so, and her response was that she had just spent some intense time in prayer meeting with God.

My prayer walk feels very humble at the moment. It is just me and God. But recently, after I completed my weekly walk, and came into the sanctuary for worship/service, someone greeted me and said, "You look RADIANT!" It was the nicest compliment anyone has ever paid to me. I had just had a pretty intense encounter with God. I wouldn't trade my time with Him for all the sleep in the world.

I moved away from Georgia, and lost touch with Karen. It's been 6 years since I've seen her. I am in the process of shutting down my hotmail account, and came across some emails from her. The memory of her example and encouragement came flooding back. I tried to email her, but the address I had was no longer valid.

I just established a new facebook account, and one of the first things I did was look for Karen. I thought it was a long shot, but lo and behold, there she was. The first person to pop up on the search list. I let out a scream and clicked the "add to friends" button as quickly as possible.

Whether Karen and I reestablish relationship or not, I will always remember her example. I am a part of her spiritual fruit, and what I produce is due, in part, to her example. This is my lesson for the week: whether you know a person for a short time or for a lifetime, there's always time to influence him or her for spiritual good.

Thanks, Karen. If I never do get to meet you again here, I will definitely see you in heaven!!

Facebook Stinks III

2009-04-13T19:16:00.000-07:00

I opened a new account under my maiden name. Gillian Kilbride. Go add me if you haven't already. Guess I'll have to rebuild my apps, profile, pics, and everything else. :(

That'll have to wait until after the semester is over. Meantime, at least I'll feel less disconnected.

Y'all take care and come visit my blogspot anytime!

Facebook update II

2009-04-12T14:16:00.001-07:00

No, still can't get in. Facebook stinks.

1. Solo went really well. I left everything I had on the stage, and was almost voiceless when we finished both programs this am. :) I came home and crashed for a couple of hours since I haven't slept well all weekend.

2. Next up: Test 4 on Basic Stats, Wednesday night.

3. After that: Major Project due 4/20

4. I have a brand spanking new addiction: Untold stories of the ER. Its a marathon this weekend. Favorite quote: "If you haven't seen a big carpet of maggots on a live human being, you haven't lived."

Yeah, I know. I have projects to work on and studying to do. See you folks around.

Facebook update

2009-04-11T11:58:00.000-07:00

I have been without Facebook since April 3rd. Not be be dramatic, or anything like that, but this is like the Ancient Mariner: Water, water, everywhere yet not a drop to drink!

Last Thursday, Barak Obama added me as a relative on Facebook. That night, I changed my primary email because I am about to disable the one I used to open the account. Friday am (on my morning break, of course!!) I tried to log into Facebook and could not. Thinking I was an idiot and couldn't remember my password, I asked for a reset. Nothing. None of my six email addresses received a password reset from Facebook. So I sent them an email. I received a reply back, which basically asked me to confirm that I was me. Not really sure how that works, but ok. I responded. I waited patiently for them to respond to my response. Finally, I sent them another email. And another... Sad story. If I'm not on by the end of the semester (April 25th) I will open a new account under my maiden name (I'm changing it legally this summer, anyway), and see you all there.

Meantime, the notifications that go out from facebook tells me that MYRELATIVES has found 48 potential new relatives for me. TYVM stupid app, but the fact that they are related to relatives of mine, doesn't mean that they are related to me... And what is with all the distant cousins? I don't even know the proper terms for half of you. But, our moms were 3rd cousins once removed, (or something like that) so we are related. Can't lie to a facebook app, now can we? So how many of you are related to Barak Obama? Does this mean we get invited to the White House for a slammin' 4th of July BBQ??

Also, last night was the first performance. It was fun. I think I'm going to relax and enjoy tomorrow. Don't know if I'll ever want to do this again, though, cause it stretched my nerves to the limit. Rather be safe in the middle of the choir. Your mistakes get covered up there...

O well, back to the monster project due next Monday. Ya'll take care and leave me some love. :)

Disconnected connectivity....

2009-04-09T16:35:00.000-07:00

I've not been able to access Facebook for a full week now. I am extremely disappointed in the Facebook team's inability to respond to my 10 emails screaming for help. My requests for password resets have not yielded any responses to my inbox, causing me to worry that my account has been hijacked by scammers. The lack of response from the Facebook has been disconcerting to say the least. Meanwhile, I suffer withdrawal. I had no idea just how addicted I had become to the instant access to my family and friends who live 1400 miles away. I also wonder if anyone misses me out there in cyberworld. Just in case you do, here is what is going on in my life.

1. School will be over on April 25th. I am looking forward to this with unprecedented longing. I think I might survive (and even pass) my Basic Stats class. At this point, I really will be happy to pass. If I achieve the 2.5 needed to be exempt from the CLAST exam, Philadelphians will hear me screaming with joy from Florida. My other class, Advanced Technical Writing is winding down with an enormous project that is due on April 20th. I haven't even started it, partly because there is one section that has me completely stumped. I am going to camp out in the University Library this Saturday and try to make sense of it all.

2. Choir preparation for Easter Sunday. Sometime in January, our worship leader announced that the choir was starting preparation for Easter Sunday and would meet Wednesday nights after the church service. Perfect timing. My class on Wednesday nights let out at 7:20, allowing me JUST enough time to get to church for choir. I fell in love with a couple of the songs we are singing this weekend, and somehow, I opened up my big mouth and ended up with a solo part.

I have never thought of myself has having a great voice, but this song is compelling to me, and I am happy to be singing it. Its my first solo, and I had no idea my nerves could hit such a fever pitch. I stood up to sing it in practice on a Wednesday night, and my hands were shaking so badly I almost couldn't hold my microphone. I think I'm finally ready -- I'd better be, because the show goes on tomorrow night. I just pray for the Holy Spirit to fill me up and use me during this time. Because when you get down to brass tacks, this isn't really about me. It's about Christ, His death, and resurrection. It's about the One who reigns in my life.

3. Thursday nights I attend The Well. This is my midweek gut check on where I am with my relationship with Christ. Aside from awesome Bible studies, The Well gives me a chance to connect with other women, hear about their walks, and share prayer burdens.

In case you are wondering about my schedule: Every day I leave my house at 7:20 am. On Mondays I get home around 8pm, Wednesdays 10pm, and Thursdays 9:30 pm. Most people would tell me to give something up. And if my circumstances were different, I would. But that Thursday night gut check is priceless, I love to sing, so the choir is really enjoyable, and I need to complete my education -- thus the reason for my grueling schedule -- all of which comes to a screeching halt on April 25th.

Over the month of May, I plan on taking some time and reevaluating what I really want to keep on my plate, and what I want to give up. Meantime, at least I'm not hanging out on Facebook all night when I should be doing other things. The only problem seems to be that blogs are replacing my facebook addiction...I'm such a junkie. I love the internet. :) Even in my disconnected state, I'm still connected.

But I do miss my facebook friends. Leave me some comments. Let me know how you are doing. :0)

Facing the Giants

2009-03-07T17:15:00.001-08:00

I posted this on facebook too.

This movie has been out for awhile and I absolutely love it. Here is a clip from the scene that has had the most impact on me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cjmmw85qImU

So what do you think? If God never gives you ___________ will you still love Him?

Making Lemonade

2009-03-03T18:39:00.000-08:00

Well, here we are back at positive post Tuesday! This week went by so fast, and so much happened.

1. Wednesday night I rushed out of work to head to a Stats test, but when I tried to start the car, I only heard "click-click-click"...I flagged down a coworker who said he had jumper cables, and called my friend Bob. Long story short, I needed a new battery. Most people would say nothing good could possibly come of this, but I learned that I will survive just fine in this type of crisis without hubby.

2. Thursday, I took my sore throat to the Walk-in clinic and found out I was in the early stages of bronchitis. Good thing I went, because it prevented the infection from spreading. The second good thing was that I found out I've lost over 40 pounds since last July. Since I threw out my scale when I moved, I have had no other way of telling what I've lost. Woohoo!!

3. A co-worker was teasing me about my too-large pants. Told me they were like parachute pants, cause they are sooo baggy. So I went shopping, found a pair that fit, and is four sizes smaller from where I started last summer. PLUS: When I paid, I made a comment about the price, and the cashier told me the pants would be an additional 40% tomorrow. I was going to go back tomorrow, but she decided to give it to me today. So....$89 pants for $27.00. Since I had a gift card for $25, I'm pretty happy.

Even though I missed God's sunset, I definitely know He was with me anyways.

Courage

2009-02-24T15:54:00.000-08:00

Its positive post tuesday, so here goes:

Friday night was Marvin Renslow's Memorial Service aka: Celebration of Life. Captain Renslow was the pilot of the plane that crashed in Buffalo, NY on Thursday, February 14. His family attends services at my church, and they are an integral part of the body of believers there.

During the service, his 12-year-old daughter stood up and sang "I Believe". How she kept her composure the whole way through the song, I have no idea. As if that wasn't enough (not many dry eyes at that point) she then spoke about her dad at length. Her words turned those of us who were still dry-eyed into blubbering babies. Her composure and courage were astonishing. Her final words will forever ring in my ears: "I often wonder what God has planned for all of this, and some day I will get to ask Him why He took my dad so early. But, all I know right now is that I will trust the Lord always."

In the face of this statement of Faith, how can we think our problems are too big to carry? God holds us in the palm of his hand. He tells us he "will never leave us, or forsake us". Kaley, thank you for the lesson. No matter what happens to me, I will trust God.

most peaceful high ever

2009-02-17T17:14:00.000-08:00

so its positive post tuesday (per brody harper) and i'm going to talk about the BEST date ever.

Two out of five days I get to go home to my complex and watch the sunset over the water. I am so busy most days, I never stop to appreciate the small things. Every Tuesday; however, I rush home from work, change into sweats, walk over to the Bay wall in my complex, and take a front row seat to watch the greatest artist ever paint just for me.

Its the best date ever! I talk to my Daddy, release my worries, and relax. It slows me down for the rest of my hectic week. Tonight I went to the wall and fell in love again with my Redeemer.

The sun was still fairly high in the sky when I arrived. It was warm, and I sat on my sweatshirt, sipped my wine and watched the mullet jumping, their soft splashes in the still water lending lovely ambiance to the scene. The water is reflecting the blue sky and yellow sun. I let go of my hectic schedule and begin to relax.

My friend, Mr. Fisherman, comes down to the water in his waders and heads out into the water with his rod. I tell him the fish are jumping, and he tells me they are mullet. They won't bite the bait he is offering, since they are vegetarian. He leaves me sitting there, curious, but enjoying the sight of three fishermen in a boat gliding gently across the bay, shadowed against the sun, and pelicans sailing silently just above the water looking for food.

I love the way the colors of the water change as the sun sinks lower on the horizon. Bright yellow, to gold, to pinks and oranges. From the time I arrive at the wall, to the time the sun actually sets, approximately 45 minutes flow past. I talk to my Daddy, Creator, Lover and Friend. I tell Him my hopes and dreams, and I KNOW He holds me securely in His hands, and that he LOVES me. I sit, bathed in pink, orange, and purple hues, surrounded by love, and I know that all my past pain brings me a greater appreciation for present and future happiness.

Thank you, Daddy, for the beautiful date. I will talk to you every day, and I will see you at work again next Tuesday.

Its not about me...

2009-02-14T12:26:00.000-08:00

This has been a week of extreme highs, tempered by a very low low. The week started out with a sick day. From Sunday afternoon until Monday evening, I battled fevers off and on, and experienced some severe insomnia.

Tuesday I was back to work, and happy to feel good again! When I picked up my mail I noticed I had a thick envelope from my credit union. I dropped everything on the living room floor when I walked in the door to open that envelope. It was the title to my car!! I was sooooo excited. This was a huge milestone in the debt payoff journey. One less thing to worry about!

Wednesday I gave my 10th speech at Toastmasters. The speech was to be inspirational and last 8-10 minutes, no notes. I talked a lot about the past year, the things I have learned about myself and how you never know how tough you can be until you are called on to be tough. I received so much positive feedback from my audience. It was worth going out on a limb to talk about that raw of an experience if that experience can help one other person.

Friday I had lunch with my accountability partner. She is such a blessing to me!! She shared how being accountable for reading is helping her to be less reactive in some of the negative situations she encounters, and how she handles those situations so much better than she has in the past. Best of all, she is now sharing with her mom, and her mom is growing too! How awesome is GOD??

Friday we also received notice that one of our employees was on board the flight that crashed in Buffalo. I recognized the name of the employee, and suspected I had assisted her the day before. I wasn't sure I wanted to know if that was the case, so I didn't try to search for the ticket. Approximately 15 minutes before my shift ended, my manager pulls up a chair. He said he wanted to touch base with me over the news of the crash. He said it was all very sad, and asked me if I realized I had provided support to her the day before. I indicated that I had, and said nothing more. He then said he wanted to make sure I was ok. I said I was. He then said that I had probably helped her with her expenses the day before, perhaps just minutes before she boarded the plane. I closed the conversation by thanking him for stopping by to check on me, but inside I began to seeth with rage. It wasn't that he confirmed what I really didn't want to know, it was the manner in which he did it. I then pulled up the ticket, and the conversation came flooding back.

1. I had helped her with a billing issue, not expenses.
2. I remember initially wishing I could hang up and not deal with the questions she was asking, but forced myself to be patient, and ended by giving her a few pointers on how to locate information.
3. I don't think I talked to her minutes before she boarded the plane, but I did help her in the last 6 hours of her life. I hope that I helped to make her last day a better day.

I left, still a little upset with my manager, but regained my poise when I realized that its not about me. Its about the One who made me, the One who created all life. The One who has the power to give life, and take it away. I went home humbled and really conscience of the fact that we all need to be loving and kind, no matter how badly we want to be rude, because we never know how our behaviour will affect others.

Friday night at home I pulled up my email and realized that I had an even closer connection to that crash than I had realized. One of our church members was the copilot on the flight. His wife teaches sunday school, and his kids are in the youth group. Suddenly grief has a face. More than ever, I realize its not about me. As our church comes alongside and ministers to the family, I am proud to be a follower of Christ, and proud to be a part of a missions-oriented body of believers. I can only pray for the people who are affected by this tragedy. There are no words that can heal the pain; however, kindness, compassion, and love will ease the burden for them. Its not about me, its about being Christ to someone in need.

Random happiness

2009-02-10T17:23:00.000-08:00

So I haven't quite gotten the hang of blogging on a daily basis since so much has been happening this year. Which of course means I should be blogging more...but o well.

Recently someone walked up to me in church and told me I looked "radiant". I was blown away by what I considered a wonderful compliment. I realized then that I wasn't as positive a person as I should be. Life was difficult and I didn't hold back when people asked me how I was doing. Scary. I never wanted to become an Eeyore christian. You know, the ones you see coming and you KNOW they will have a litany of prayer requests. Life is never good for these Don and Debbie Downers. They simply thrive on the drama of going through "trials".

Don't deny you know these people! You probably cross the street when you spot them down the block. Go up a different aisle at church to avoid their pew. I had somehow become that drama filled, God is TESTING me, please come soon and put me out of my misery kind of Christians. I started getting tired of my own complaints.

I bounced into a certain amount of euphoria when the tension of my marriage snapped and we finally separated. For several weeks I walked three feet off the ground. Everything that had been a problem before we separated, was suddenly not my problem anymore. It was his. I was no longer responsible for him too, just for me.

During the six months that have passed since he moved out, I have processed a lot of different emotions. I went through the five stages of grief, no doubt about it. I also learned what addition looks like, that I wasn't crazy, he does have a problem -- and no -- I am NOT responsible for his decisions.

Since October, I have felt this press towards prayer. I have finally caved and I am puposeful about getting up in the morning and spending time with God. The results have been incredible. Why, why, why did I NOT do this before?? My emotional rollercoaster is over. When I'm happy, I pray. When I'm sad, I pray. When something or someone is on my mind, I pray.

When someone asks me how I'm doing now, I always say "Fabulous!" I get a lot of very strange looks as people try to figure out if I am being sarcastic or not. Now when I approach people, suddenly its not about me. Its about them. How can I help them, pray for them, encourage them? Life has become focused on God, what He is doing in my life, and what he is doing in the lives of the people around me. To me, that awesome compliment mentioned above meant that I was finally reflecting my Savior as I should. Every day is a gift from God. Even the not so good ones -- the ones that leave me drained. I know my Creator, Redeemer, Brother, Friend and Lover is right there with me. I carry Him in my heart, and so I know - even in the middle of pain - happiness.